Soccer SuperFans

By: Robert Sisti, Kleinburg, Ontario

Hello again everyone. 

Meet my dog Joey.

He's bright, affectionate, and  basically amazing. And everyone who meets him loves him.  Although this will just be Joey's first World Cup, I have been taking him for many tune-up walks to soccer fields around town and on these visits he's definitely shown me that he has excellent instincts for 'the beautiful game'.  He's normally a dog of few words, but his actions speak loudly. 

For example, although he's typically very friendly, he never wags his tail at linesmen and he positively growls at referees.  Secondly, he pees on every goalpost that he walks by which indicates to me that he is one of those fans who would probably like to see a little more scoring in soccer.  He also likes to suddenly fall onto his back for no apparent reason and roll around uncontrollably on the grass.  An obvious simulation of, well, simulation.

Now, please don't think that this is all in my imagination because there are actually moments when Joey talks!  In fact there are times when he just won't be silenced. And he certainly doesn't lack for opinions as he let me know this morning over breakfast. 

The following is a transcript of our conversation:

Me:  So, JoJo, what do you think about calcio?

Joey:  They run a lot.  That looks like fun.

Me:  And how do you like the ball?

Joey:  I like it more than the players do.  They just kick it everywhere.  Why doesn't someone just snatch it up and take off with it?

Me:  Because he'll get in trouble with the referee.

Joey:  GRRRRRRR!!

Me:  Yes, I know how you feel about them.  But in soccer you can't touch the ball with your, uh, forepaws.

Joey:  Uh-huh, and does the same rule apply for Thierry Henry?

Me:  Joey!

Joey:  Maybe it depends on which jersey you're wearing.

Me:  Now....Joey....

Joey:  And did you see Henry clamour for a handball on the Uruguayan defender the other day?  It was to howl!  I wonder if Michel Platini and that clique that runs FIFA-

Me:  Bad Joey!  That's not nice!

Joey:  I can say it- I'm part poodle.

Me:  But you're too young to be so cynical.  FIFA is a professional sports body that's run democratically.

Joey:  Go tell that to a cat...Did you hear that France has just been awarded the 2016 European Cup...overwhelmingly...on the first ballot!

Me:  Alas, Italy lost.

Joey:  Lost badly!  They received only one vote!  That's what they get for beating France in the 2006 World Cup...and for eliminating them from the 2008 European Cup...and for Materazzi getting in the way of Zidane's proud, manly head butt! You don't need a dog's nose to smell what's going on in the FIFA backrooms.

Me:  Enough politics, JoJo.  What do you think about Italy's prospects in this World Cup?

Joey:  Well, they're a lot better than Ireland's now aren't they?

Me:  JoJo, be good...

Joey:  -Now do you know why I growl at referees?

Me:  C'mon.  Tell me what you like about Italy's chances.

Joey :  I love their goalie, Buffon.  I like the look in his eyes, I like his competitive spirit, I like-

Me:  - his cat-like reflexes?

Joey:  No, his dogged determination!

Me:  Word!  But if it's determination you admire, then you must like Cannavaro, Chiellini and Gattuso?

Joey:  Cannavaro is a fox- he's always the smartest player on the field.  Chiellini is a true mastiff.  Gattuso is a little long in the tooth but I like the way he still growls and snaps at intruders' heels.  He's gotta lose that name though- too feline.

Me:  And what do you think of coach Lippi?

Joey:  He's a good master.  Tough.  Strong.  Smart. Runs a tight pack.  Very Alpha.

Me:  You like lots of goals.  But everyone says Italy has a weak attack.

Joey:  A tight pack is never weak.  And besides, dogs don't listen to what everyone says.  They listen to what the intelligent leader says:  Italy will score as many goals as they need.

Me:  Alright then JoJo, sniff the breezes.  Tell me what's in the air for Monday's game.

Joey:  (wagging his tail vigourously):  The announcer will shout GOOOOOOOOLLLL two times...for Italy.

Me:  Forza Azzurri!

Joey:  BRUFFFF!