SATIRE: Our money's on Tiger
In honour of Tiger Woods' return to professional golf, betting site William Hill and others have put up some special odds on The Masters. They included wagers on such gems as:
"Tiger On The Straight And Narrow? Tiger's Opening Tee Shot To Hit The Fairway?"
Here at CBCSports.ca, we're a group of sports enthusiasts that also like to make a quick buck — and so, we were disappointed to see that our suggestions to betting sites did not make the cut.
We present them now, if only to prove we weren't wasting our time these past few months making jokes about the whole Tiger Woods kerfuffle.
Would you take the bet?
(Disclaimer: Any money wagered on the following will NOT be paid out by CBCSports.ca, it's parent company, subsidiaries or the writers themselves. Unless it's in Monopoly™ money. Then, maybe. )
Following the end of his termination with his contract with Gatorade, what type of "ade/aid" will Tiger be drinking on the course?
- Powerade - 25-1
- Kool-Aid - 100-1
- (Allegedly) Ambien-Aid - 500-1
- Liquid Band-Aid - 1000-1
Despite the Augusta National being invite only, there is still a good chance someone will attempt to heckle the four-time Masters champion. Who has the best shot of getting by security and rattling Woods?
- An airplane with attached signage - 5-1
- A Golden Palace.com streaker - 50-1
- John Daly and Phil Mickelson impersonating "Anchorman's" Champ Kind and Brian Fantana - 100-1
- Kristyne De Mott, the "Marry Me, Sidney Crosby" girl from Calgary - 1000-1
Taking so much time off, there is also a moderate probability that Woods will miss the cut - what type of meltdown will we see if this occurs?
- Gracious, but begrudging wave goodbye to the crowd - 3-2
- Snap a putter across his knee- 15-1
- Somehow, punch Bob Barker in the face - 100-1
A win requires celebration of some sort — what will Tiger do if he wins the green jacket?
- Awkward high-five with caddie Steve Williams - 4-3
- Yelling "I do what I want!" - 10-1
- Covering Chi-Chi Rodriguez's "sheath the sword" - 250-1
- Waving graciously - 6000-1
What will Tiger attribute the win to?
- His family and friends standing behind him - 3-1
- AT&T taking away his cellphone / texting privileges - 5-1
- His Q-Ray bracelet - 25-1
- Positive thinking albums referred by Charlestown Chiefs' Dave "Killer" Karlsson - 100-1
What will legendary CBS broadcaster Jim Nantz say if Tiger wins the Masters?
- "Tiger is still the Master of the golfing world!" - 10/1
- "How do you spell redemption? T-I-G-E-…(waiting for putt to go in)-R!!!!" - 25/1
- Nantz will be left speechless - 1,000,000,000/1 (nigh impossible)
And now for some reader participation! Below are 20 odds on Tiger Woods at The Masters. Half are real, half are fake, and all of them are ridiculous. Can you spot the difference? The answer key is below.
Note: Real bets taken from Bodog, Cappers Picks, Ladbrokes, and William Hill betting sites.
1. Cameras will spot Tiger Woods texting - 5/1
2. What colour hat will Tiger wear in the opening round of The Masters?
- Black - 5/4
- White - 7/4
- Red - 7/2
- Blue - 11/2
- Other - 8/1
3. Tiger will berate the gallery for some reason during the tournament - 7/1
4. Tiger will wear a different colour shirt each day
- Yes - 1/4
- No - 5/2
5. Tiger will shave his goatee at some point during The Masters - 10/1
6. Woods will be seen wearing the Buddhist bracelet during interviews - 1/3
7. Tiger will get heckled and have to step away from his shot at any point during the tournament - 6/5
8. Tiger will fight a fan - 500/1
- None - 100/1
- One or two - 25/1
- Three or four - 10/1
- Over five - 4/1
10. Tiger will be caught unwittingly holding or wearing a brand that has dropped him (i.e. Gatorade, AT&T, or Accenture) - 40/1
11. At least one of Tiger's mistresses will be spotted at The Masters - 2/1
12. Woods will chip with his driver more than three times - 9/1
13. If Tiger Woods wins the 2010 Masters will he shed tears on camera at any point after his final shot of the day until CBS coverage ends? NOTE: Tears must be visible and out of eye ducts
- Yes - 10/13
- No - 10/11
14. During on-air interviews, Woods will say the word "transgressions…"
- Once - 2/1
- Twice - 3/1
- Three or more times - 5/1
15. Woods will withdraw from the tournament - 300/1
16. Tiger will break a club - 8/1
17. Tiger will kiss an anonymous blonde - 25/1
18. Tiger will drop an F-bomb on air - 30/1
19. Tiger will mention Sandra Bullock during an interview - 4/1
20. Woods will have to fight justice ninjas at the 18th hole of his final round. - 100,000/1
Answer Key: 1, False. 2, True. 3, False. 4, True. 5, False. 6, True. 7, True. 8, True. 9, False. 10, False. 11, True. 12, False. 13, False. 14, False. 15, False. 16, True. 17, True. 18, False. 19, True (Seriously). 20, False (but awesome).
Brandon Hicks and Justin Piercy are writers for CBCSports.ca, and are not obsessed with gambling, honest! On a related note, they are currently in the middle of putting in their picks for the American spelling bee championship.