Floyd Landis meets the media head-on at his July 28 news conference after his high testosterone test was made public. (Pierre-Philippe Marcou/AFP/Getty Images)

Sprinter JUSTIN GATLIN: The old masseuse excuse
Justin Gatlin has always been an ardent advocate of drug-free sport, so it came as a big surprise when the reigning 100-metre champion tested positive for testosterone.

When asked to explain the failed test, Trevor Graham, Gatlin's coach, insisted it was a setup. Graham told the Washington Post that a masseuse with a grudge rubbed a testosterone cream into Gatlin's legs. Gatlin, according to Graham, believed the "cream" was nothing but harmless lotion. Coincidentally, Graham was a key figure in the downfall of the BALCO steroid-distribution ring. One of BALCO's chief products was "The Cream," a steroid balm.

Cyclist FLOYD LANDIS: Real men wear yellow
Floyd Landis claims his only crime against sport is being too much man. Just days after his remarkable victory in the Tour de France, it was revealed that Landis had tested positive for elevated levels of the male hormone testosterone.

In a misty-eyed media address, Landis claimed the positive test couldn't be helped; he was just built that way. The American cyclist argued that his freakishly high testosterone levels were natural and asked the media not to judge him.

Sprinter BEN JOHNSON: Admitted Cheetah
Ben Johnson tested positive for steroids during the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, touching off the greatest drug scandal in Canadian sports history. Tests administered after the record-breaking 100-metre dash showed Big Ben's urine was tainted with the powerful muscle-building drug stanozolol.

Johnson vehemently denied ever using steroids, and suggested the sasparilla-and-ginseng energy drink he took before his race was spiked. Eventually, Johnson did own up to taking juice and, ironically, he currently serves as the celebrity pitchman for the unfortunately-named ginseng beverage Cheetah.

Snowboarder ROSS REBAGLIATI: Up in Smoke
In the winter of 1998 Canada's Ross Regabliati was stripped of his Olympic gold medal after a drug test found traces of THC - the chemical in marijuana that makes you feel good - in the snowboarder's urine.

In a defence that would have made Bill Clinton proud, Regabliati claimed the drug traces came from second-hand smoke he consumed while partying with marijuana puffing buddies during a pre-Olympic shindig in Whistler, B.C. After much kerfuffle, Regabliati did get his medal back. He also promised to "change his lifestyle" and wear "a gas mask" to future parties.

Tennis player PETR KORDA: Evil Veal
Petr Korda has a message for athletes: fear the cows. Just months after winning the Australian Open in 1998, Korda tested positive for the banned substance nandrolone after a match at Wimbledon. The Czech tennis player claimed he failed the test because he had eaten too much nandrolone-fattened veal.

Tennis officials said Korda's claim was a load of bull, pointing out that Korda would have to eat 40 calves a day for 20 years to achieve such high levels of nandrolone in his body. Korda isn't the only athlete to blame the bovines. Bobsledder Lenny Paul also fingered the steroid-fed beef in his spaghetti sauce when asked to explain a failed drug test.

High jumper JAVIER SOTOMAYOR: Nailed by the Mob
It has to rank as the highest profile defence of doping in sports history. In 1999, Cuban high jumper Javier Sotomayor was stripped of his Pan-Am Games gold after testing positive for cocaine. None other than his country's president, Fidel Castro, rose to his defence. And what a defence.

In front of a live TV audience, a furious Castro charged the positive test was "a war against us" possibly committed by "professionals of counter-revolution and crime.'' Who exactly, did El Caballo mean? Why, the "well-known Cuban-American mafia," of course.

Runner DIETER BAUMANN: Minty-fresh 'roids
A top long-distance runner in the 1980s and '90s, Baumann lost his bid for gold at the Sydney Olympics because he cared too much about his pearly whites. The German track star tested positive for the steroid nandrolone in 1999 and was subsequently banned for two years, despite Baumann's claim it was his toothpaste's fault.

Or rather, he was the victim of a conspiracy to oust him from the sport by spiking his toothpaste with huge amounts of steroids. Germany's athletics federation exonerated the runner, even though investigators found no evidence to back up his claim.

Cross-country skier LARISSA LAZUTINA: What are little girls made of?
Call it the Landis defence in reverse. In the wake of the Salt Lake City Olympics, Russian cross-country skier Larissa Lazutina lost her gold medal when high levels of EPO, which boosts endurance, were found in her system. Now, how would that get into her bloodstream?

"For many years, I've been taking this blood test and I've never had problems," she said. "I put it down to female physiology ..." The IOC wasn't convinced, and eventually awarded her gold to Canada's Beckie Scott.

Sprinter DENNIS MITCHELL: a.k.a. Dr. Feelgood
One sleepless night, five beers, four bouts of sex: why doesn't every athlete use this defence?

Mitchell, one of the best-known U.S. sprinters of the 1990s, was nailed for excessively high levels of testosterone in 1998, but said that was caused by a long night of horizontally jogging with his wife, fuelled by the magic of five beers, on the eve of the test. Good enough for us, declared the U.S. Track and Field Association, which cleared Mitchell only to have that ruling overturned by track and field's international body.

Cyclist TYLER HAMILTON: No, the other Tyler Hamilton
American cycling champion Tyler Hamilton was a poster boy for clean competition. That is, until he was caught for blood doping in 2004 and slapped with a two-year suspension. But doping -- transfusing someone else's oxygen-rich blood -- isn't something he'd ever do, Hamilton maintained in his appeal. It must have been his "vanishing twin."

Hamilton said the foreign blood cells anti-doping officials detected maybe came from a twin that died in utero, or maybe from some of his mother's blood that was mixed when he was a fetus. Maybe not, said an arbitration panel, which upheld his ban.