Satire: Playoffs in the workplace

The playoffs have the ability to turn mortal men and women into superpowered beings that shout obscenities at the tiniest of news updates, but what if an office manager was affected?

Apparently, 56 per cent of office managers feel that NHL playoff-related activities have a positive effect on worker morale.

If you didn't know that it's probably because you have yet to see the survey from a company called OfficeTeam, which examined the impact that the NHL playoffs have on unsuspecting managers and office personnel.

It’s a "scientific fact" that the playoffs have the ability to turn mortal men and women into superpowered beings that have their faces painted all day and shout obscenities at the tiniest of news updates ("They’re calling up Cheechoo!? @#$%!!!!).

Conversely, the playoffs also have the ability to turn people into blubbering fools in the morning. Especially if things go to triple overtime the night before. 

But if a manager/high-ranking official was affected? The thought is almost too much to bear...

Boss: Okay everybody! Line up! Time to show off your progress on the office-mandated playoff beards!

Boss:...Oh for the love of Pete— why is everybody moving so slow??

Worker 1: It’s 11 at night! We’ve been working for three days straight. I can’t remember what outside looks like!

Boss: It’s the playoffs! Overtime! We don’t leave until the job is done.

Worker 1: But it’s a three-month project!

Boss: No excuses. Playoffs. Now eat your oranges for energy and have a couple drinks from the water bottle. The rest of you, line! NOW!

Boss:...Gooood. Gooooood! I’m liking what I’m seeing here. Scott! Phenomenal beard. Great volume. Even has some speckles of grey to show off your veteran presence.

Scott: Thank you sir.

Boss: Remember Scott, I’m "Coach." That is what you all will call me now. And now here’s Sidney! ...Uh...great effort there kid. Hopefully the rest of it will grow in soon.

Sidney: Just happy to be here.

Boss:...OK. Next is Nancy. What is this? Not one hair!? Unacceptable Nancy. Completely unacceptable.

Nancy: But I’m a—

Boss: No excuses. Playoffs.

Bill: Excuse me, sir?

Boss: Coach, Bill! I am Coach!

Bill: Um, sorry, Coach. I’m really hurting. I think I’m going to need to sit out a while, maybe head home. I’m trying to work through it but it’s just not happening.

Boss: Why? What’s wrong Bill?

Bill: It’s an upper body injury.

Boss:...I’ll allow it. Get some rest. Don’t disclose the nature of the injury to the office newsletter press. As for the rest of you, take a warmup lap because we’re almost in quintuple overtime! PLAYOFFS!!!

Tomorrow: Distinct kicking motions