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SATIRE: DAN TAVARESGary,
Bob ... you're fired
A
door in the wall slowly opens. Out from the darkness emerges a man,
well dressed, but poorly coifed. He walks toward the boardroom table
in the centre of the room, pulls out the high-backed leather chair
parked at its edge and sits down.
Trump, center, is flanked by his associates
George and Carolyn. |
On
his right side sits an older man who could be your grandfather, but
his countenance is that of a mafia boss.
To his left is a pretty, if severe, blonde woman in a freshly pressed
suit.
All three stare sternly at the two men seated across from them.
Trump: Gary, Bob, you guys know why you've been brought
to the boardroom, right? The NHL is one of the top brands in all of
sports. There are hockey fans everywhere. But a $2-billion industry
is in jeopardy because you two can't find a way to divide the pie.
(Gary and Bob sit quietly. Gary is leaning over the table, his
weight bearing down on the mahogany slab. Bob leans back in his chair.)
Trump: If you ask me, that's some awful leadership.
Both of you performed horribly in this task.
(Trump pauses to gauge Gary and Bob's reaction)
Trump: Bob, who should get fired?
Bob: Gary, Mr. Trump. We made a good offer. The players
were willing to take a 24-per-cent pay cut, but Gary said it wasn't
enough. And then we even gave up our big bargaining stance and caved
on the salary cap...
Gary (interrupting): Cost certainty.
Bob (rolling his eyes): Salary cap.
Gary (in a condescending tone while reaching
over to touch Bob's arm): Cost certainty.
Bob (visibly agitated): Salary cap!
Trump: Enough. Whatever. Bottom line a deal isn't
done, you've made history by cancelling the season, and that's unacceptable.
Gary, what happened?
Gary: First off, Mr. Trump we're here today because
Bob refused to enter into a partnership with the league. He dragged
his feet and waited for more than a year to make any kind of proposal
whatsoever and during the same period six NHL offers were rejected.
Bob: Come on Gary, there were no offers… Sure, there
were meetings -- we discussed some concepts -- but Mr. Trump, I'm
telling you there were no formal offers…
Carolyn (interjecting): Instead of busting
their humps to get a deal done before the season started, they spent
last summer doing just this -- bickering about whether there were
or weren't any offers. They didn't really start talking until Christmas
time. And then it came down to all-nighters once Gary laid down that
deadline. They were like a bunch of freshmen cramming for exams.
(Trump scans Gary and Bob's reaction as she speaks.)
Trump (scolding): Doesn't sound like you
guys used your time wisely. Where was the sense of urgency, Bob?
Bob (getting defensive): This is Gary's
lockout. He's rejected all efforts to compromise. We would have started
the season without a deal, but Gary said no way.
Trump: That doesn't sound good. What do you say to
that, Gary?
Gary: Hockey is the greatest game in the world, but
our league's economics need fixing. We owe it our fans to solve the
problems facing our game. We lost $300 million last year. More than
half our teams are in trouble.
George (while looking at Gary): Aren’t you
the commissioner of the league? Isn't it ultimately your fault if
things don't go well?
Gary: No…
George (interrupting): So you're not the
league's top guy?
Gary: Now, listen…
George (interrupting): In my world, if you’re
the boss, you're ultimately responsible if the business is losing
money. That's what it means to be a leader.
Bob (in a satisfied tone): I agree.
Trump (raising his voice at Bob): Are we
talking to you?
Gary: Look, the players took advantage of a flawed
system. They found loopholes in it. They took advantage of our owners'
competitive nature to drive up salaries …
(The corner of Bob's mouth curls in a slight smile)
Bob says salary cap (CP Photo). |
Gary (emphatically): Players earn twice
as much today as they did 10 years ago. That's why the game is in
this mess. Salaries have out-stripped profits. Mr. Trump, you're one
of the world's greatest business minds, surely you know that can't
go on.
Trump: I'll tell you what can't go on -- not sticking
to a budget. It sounds like you've got some stupid owners who can't
control themselves, so you want the players to do it for you. What
do you think, George?
George: That's what it sounds like to me.
(Bob's smile grows)
Trump: Bob, you’re smiling. Is this amusing for you?
Bob (squelching his smile): No, but you
hit the nail on the head, Mr. Trump. You're a businessman; I'm sure
you'd agree the market should dictate salaries. Supply and demand
is the best way --
Gary (interrupts): Every business needs
to be able to predict its costs. It's basic economics – everybody
knows that.
Trump (sharply): Gary, quit interrupting!
Bob: Mr. Trump, Gary says the league is losing a
ton of money. Maybe it is, but we don't know how much. They won't
open their books. These big companies can hide their profits …
Gary: Bob come on, Levitt looked at our books. He
corroborated what I'm saying.
Bob (rolling his eyes): He would, wouldn't
he? You paid him, and he said it. Mr. Trump, it was simply another
public relations move, Mr. Trump.
Carolyn: You mean Arthur Levitt, the former chairman
of the U.S. Securities & Exchange Commission?
George: Levitt's a corporate-crime fighter. He's
built his reputation on bringing down companies with shady accounting
practices. You doubt his findings?
Trump: Bob, the guy's such a straight arrow, even
I'm afraid of Arthur Levitt. Not that I need to be …
(George raises an eyebrow)
Trump: Gary, what was with all that '11th-hour' stuff?
How many 11th hours are there in a day?
Gary says cost certainty (CP Photo). |
Gary:
We wanted to save the season, and thought our negotiations addressed
some of players' needs.
Bob: Yeah, and we were willing to play that game.
We jumped off the cliff and accepted the idea of a salary cap, and
--
Gary: Cost certainty.
Bob: Salary –
Trump (scolding): I'm warning you two.
Listen, Bob, what about the kind of leadership you showed here?
You waited until the last minute to cave on your no-cap position,
but you could have done that months ago and saved everyone the trouble.
Maybe even saved the season.
Bob: But we were all united in our opposition to
a salary cap.
(Trump's glare stifles Gary)
Carolyn: That's not what I've heard. Just recently,
weren't some of your players saying that a salary cap wouldn't be
that bad?
Bob:
That was Jeremy Roenick. Nobody listens to him.
Carolyn: There were others besides him. But later
they all claimed they'd been misquoted. What happened Bob, did you
twist some arms to get them back in line?
Trump: Sounds like you're quite the dictator.
(Gary snickers)
Trump: Enough with the snickering, Gary. It's really
very annoying.
Bob: Mr. Trump, we were responsive, we were realistic.
When the deadline loomed, we made the moves. That's leadership.
What Gary did isn't leadership. Talk about a dictator.
Trump: But that leadership came too late, didn't
it? What good is that? If my good friend Rudy Giuliani waited a
couple of days after 9/11 to show leadership, where would that have
left New Yorkers?
Carolyn: Exactly. Did you know neither of them
attended a negotiation session for months?
Trump: What?
Carolyn: They sent their henchmen to do the dirty
face-to-face meetings. Both Bob and Gary stayed out of the mix and
tried to run the show from a distance over the phone.
Trump: Carolyn, you're telling me that at crunch
time, they weren't anywhere to be found?
Carolyn: Afraid so. Apparently the atmosphere gets
toxic when these two guys are in a room together.
Trump: That's ridiculous. Even more ridiculous
is the fact that you two were only $6.5 million apart when you cancelled
the season. I spent more on Melania's engagement ring.
Gary:
That's $6.5 million per team, Mr. Trump. League-wide, it's almost
$200 million. I bet you didn't spend that on Melania's ring.
Trump:
No, but have you seen her shoe closet? Anyway,
I've heard enough. Listen, Bob, Gary, I like you both. Gary, you're
a good New Yorker who rarely pulls punches. And Bob, what's not
to like about a hockey-playing Harvard grad? But you guys broke
a cardinal rule -- letting personal vendettas interfere with business.
And you've taken a $2-billion business and made it irrelevant almost
everywhere. I mean, who's talking hockey these days?
I'm tired of the finger-pointing, I'm tired of the PR games, and
most of all, I'm tired of the way you've both forgotten about who
really pays your bills – the fans. Sure, Gary, you're fixing it
for the fans, you say. But you don't fix something by destroying
it.
Bob, as I see it, you haven't done enough. Your guys haven't been
paid in months, the fans are against you and things are going to
get a lot worse now before they get better.
I know I'm breaking the rules by doing this, but this is my show.
I can't have either of you ever working for me. Gary, Bob, you're
both fired. Now, out!
(Gary and Bob skulk out of the boardroom)
Trump (to Carolyn and George): I feel good about
that decision.
Congratulations! Bingo! You're hired!
You've hit the nail on the head. I am a huge Apprentice and Trump fan. This is exactly he would do.
Let's let The Donald whip the NHL and the NHLPA back into shape and out of the ditch! Nothing personal ... its business!
John Oriettas
Montreal
I tend to [submit] e-mail responses to stories I feel critical about.
Not this time. Your Trump take on the matter reflected both the
Trump tone and personality and the issues of the lockout. The end
result, Bob and Gary fired, should not be fictional though. They
&#@*up plain and simple, just as your "Donald" said.
Michael Black
New Brunswick
What an outstanding article! Hilarious, yet you captured the key
issues as well as a sense for how this scenario might have played
out. This bottom line is both Gary and Bob's ineffective leadership
did not lead to an agreement for the good of the game and now everyone
loses.
Tim Mills
Columbus Blue Jacket fan
Great Job on the article (Bob, Gary ... your fired).
Some of the comments troubled me however. The reason the NHL is
in so much financial trouble is because of Bettman and his inability
to market hockey in the smaller markets in the U.S. It is his job
as the commissioner to promote the game and by his failures the
league (or a handful of U.S. teams) are losing big money and skewing
the overall league picture. The job Bettman has done is evident
in his television contract that effectively pays the league nothing
for rights to broadcast the games in the U.S.
I believe that the players made enough concessions that we should
be watching hockey right now, but the owners cannot budget themselves
properly. In business if you lose millions of dollars you are no
longer in business, but somehow the NHL has teams with losses of
large amounts over the last 6 to 8 years but these teams are still
around? How can this be?
Darryl Cook
Awesome. Even my wife who could care less about the loss of the hockey season (seems to be a growing sentiment nowadays) was amused by the Apprentice analogy.
Michael A. Torigian
Great story on Gary & Bob.
I would have fired them both a long time ago ... around the time
they stole NHL from Winnipeg & Quebec in favour of Tampa, Phoenix,
and the many other southern market teams.
Pure hockey fans are from colder climates, not from affluent southern
states. A strong fan base is what the NHL needs. When they clean up the
issue of how to divide the pie, maybe they will make it affordable for
Winnipeg to be in the loop again.
As for who is right and wrong? I say that should not be the question,
the reality is the owners all got their money from something else,
hockey is a money losing toy to them. Without hockey the owners
will make money other ways. The players on the other hand will have
to earn a much smaller salary playing in small-time leagues, or
they will have to get real jobs and pay for playing in their leisure
time like everyone else.
Ryan Poetker
That has to be the funniest piece I have ever read online. For me I'm excited that they finally made a decision. To bad Trump couldn't fire them for real. I'd have to say I'm more a Trump fine now than an NHL fan.
Good work and keep it coming, perhaps another episode next week.
Paul Manaigre
St. Adolphe, Man.
Great article Dan, thank you. They both should be fired, but I’m more incensed with Bettman right now. He could have made a deal and he’s NOT "truly sorry."
Ellen Gyles
That about covers it!! I’m still with the players though. Nevertheless, they may ultimately pay a bigger price – fewer teams and lower payrolls – when many U.S. teams drop out. But the fans who appreciate the game and what it can be will ultimately be the winners – we’ll just have to wait a few years.
No more than 20 teams – and that’s too many - will mean a better game. I’m looking forward to the “short basketball man” from New York getting fired from the NHL’s top job – and fired he should be!! I suspect that this was part of his old contract with the NBA – maybe that’s his next job!
John Henricks
Great story today entitled "Gary, Bob ... you're fired"!
Loved it! It matched the style of "The Apprentice"
perfectly. It also summed up the whole NHL lockout
situation accurately.
I'm glad they cancelled the season. I hope the NHL can
impose a new contract that chops those millionaire
salaries big time. Also, it wouldn't hurt if several
teams disappeared. The owners are not innocent in all
this mess, they can't run a business to save their
life and they blame it on the players whose salaries
they agreed to pay! Don't they have any self
discipline? Can't they just say 'no, we won't pay you
that much because we can't afford it'?
A. Marion
I read your article/review of the NHL events (Donald Trump), and quite agree with you. It was basically up to these two gentlemen to make a deal, and they have failed. If I fail to resolve files/issues in my job, I will not last long. I believe Goodenow and Bettman have now made themselves both look like losers, when they had it in their grasp to both come out looking like winners.
I believe they are both an embarrassment to the sport of hockey, and should resign. I cannot believe that society has come to this, to be honest with you, where hockey players will not play beause they will not agree to a salary cap, that they were demanding they make an infinite amount of money. I have worked at my job for 18 years now, and still struggle to pay the bills on a monthly basis. I just don't get it.
And the owners are also to blame for inflating the players salaries in the first place. So it comes down to poor management on the owners' side, and outright greed on the players part. And, oh, did I mention those lawyers/player's agents? They have not helped in any of this either, by exaggerating and inflating players' salaries over the years.
Yes, the state of affairs in the NHL is now a worldwide embarrassment. I hope I don't have to hear anything else about it, except who the replacements to Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow are going to be.
Darren MacLean
Calgary
Outstanding! You know the Donald and the fans. It would be nice to have him handle this for us!!
Michael King
Hilarious. I laughed out loud. Dan got all the facts in there
and made it funny. Good job!
Paul
Disappointed Habs fan
Perfectly done Dan and I'm not even a fan of The Apprentice!
Robert Nelson
Toronto
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Dan Tavares has been with CBC since 1998. His first year was spent writing for CBC4Kids. During that time he also worked on CBC's first Stanley Cup web site. He joined the fledgling CBC Sports Online in 1999. He has worked on the Sydney and Salt Lake City Olympic websites. In 1995, Dan graduated from the University of Western Ontario with an honours degree in Political Science. He also has a Print Journalism diploma from Sheridan College.
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