CFLA few minutes with Adriano Belli*

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Former defensive tackle Adriano Belli throws Edmonton Eskimos quarterback Stephan LeFors like a rag doll during a 2007 CFL game. (Frank Gunn/CP Photo)

Do you ever wonder what a quarterback sounds like when a 290 pound defensive lineman falls on him?

I do. I think about those things sometimes when I'm in my office, trying to find the on button for my Underwood typewriter. Typewriters don't have on buttons, of course. I wanted you to know I know that, so you don't send me all those letters.

Adriano Belli knows what it sounds like to fall on a quarterback. He did it for 11 years in the NFL and CFL before giving it up to work in his family's meat packing business. Sounds like a great job for a former lineman, doesn't it? I think so, anyway.

This is what Mr. Belli says about falling on people ...

"When [the quarterback's] body hits the ground, and your body lands on his body, and all of the air comes out of his rib cage, and you hear a whimper," he says. "And that's a thing of beauty. That's my drug of choice. That's something you always miss.

"And it's so gratifying as a defensive lineman to get to the quarterback because they can get rid of the ball in 1.7 seconds, two seconds, and they've got big 350 pound offensive linemen trying to stop you, so many people think oh yeah, you guys are bullies, trying to slam the quarterback, but truth is these offensive linemen are beating us up all game and you only get a chance once, twice a game to really lay a nice lick on a quarterback."

I heard President Nixon whimper like that once, but he had only been hit by Congress.

Linemen love hits from behind. They have such a cute name for them, too.

"There's a bunch of different hits on the quarterback," Mr. Belli says. "A defensive end will get a kill shot, as we call it, from behind when the quarterback is winding up to throw the ball. You turn the corner on an offensive tackle and get a nice clean shot on his back.

"That's when you can break some ribs. I spoke with Danny McManus [ex-quarterback] and he said those don't usually hurt because you don't see a guy coming. The ones you see coming hurt, he said."

Mr. Belli says it's not really the first hit that gets you, it the 300 pounds of lineman falling on you that hurts. I'd believe it.

You might think quarterbacks fold up like a cheap suitcase when hit like that. I had a cheap suitcase once. A cardboard one when I left for World War II. That's a story I can tell when you have a spare 60 minutes.

But back to quarterbacks. Apparently they rarely whine.

"You get some quarterbacks who are pretty tough guys," Mr. Belli says. "I remember playing against Khari Jones, and he was my favourite because he'd hold onto the rock ... ohhh ... he was like a little chipmunk back there with his cute, chubby cheeks, and he'd take the hit for the team which you have to admire.

"You don't hear too many quarterbacks cry about it, they know it's part of the game. You hear offensive linemen cry about it more so. They've the ones who get in trouble if the quarterback gets hit. They're the ones who complain the most for late hits."

Those offensive linemen remind me of big businessmen at tax time ...

There's a lot of talking going on between the linemen, I'm told. I'm a big fan of talking. I'm also a big fan of knowing when not to talk. Aren't you?

"I remember one time we were in Vancouver playing against Rob Murphy when he was there, and I was grinding on him the whole game, trying to make fun of him, trying to get on his nerves, under his skin," Mr. Belli says. "But he kept his composure.

"Then we were under a pile one play, my hands were under a player and my arms were inaccessible, and he grabbed me between the legs and I remember he had my family jewels in his hands, and he looked right at me and he said 'We can do this if you want to.

"I was like 'OK, I apologize ...' I went from a tough guy to pleading for my life. We went on to be the best of friends."

I've always thought trying to hurt someone and trying to injure someone was pretty much the same thing. I looked the words up in my Webster's on the shelf back here, and it agrees with me.

Defensive linemen, however, disagree with both of us.

"My intent was always to hurt the quarterback, always, but never to injure the quarterback, we're all gentlemen out there, all sportsmen and this is our job," said Mr. Belli. "And you don't want to keep a guy out for an extended period by injuring him.

"But if you can hurt him for the game, so he can't play the rest of the game, that was my job, and I took that serious."

Of course. I see the difference now.

Did you ever wonder what an injury sounds like? I already know because I heard them in Europe, all those years ago. Adriano has heard them too, though not nearly as seriously.

"I've heard guys Achilles tendons pop, and that sounds like a shotgun, to be honest with you," he said.

"If it's your own ACL or MCL that pops, or your own bones breaking, you will hear it," Mr. Belli says. "It's so noisy out there as it is, with the collisions and the helmets of24 different players against each other and the grunting, a lot of that can get lost.

"I've seen some gruesome things. Guys thumbs pop off. Agustin Barrenechea, he's a tough linebacker. We were in Saskatchewan one year and he took his glove off and his thumb was hanging by the skin.

"He taped it up and went back in there. It's not a game for the fate of heart, that's for sure."

I wonder sometimes about football players, hanging around the field after a long game to hug each other. Like everyone coming together after a family fight to kiss and make up.

"When you go to war against another lineman for 60 plays and it's like 60 car wrecks you've gone into and you've both given it your all, there's a respect there," says Mr. Belli. "It's quite intriguing how you can completely want to rip each other's heads off for 60 minutes, and then give each other a hand shake and say 'that's a great war.'

"I really like when guys can turn it off after the game and say, 'hey, that was fantastic.'"

The Senate should be able to do that. Everyone get together and hug and say that was a great war, after arguing about raising the budget deficit. Can't see that happening, though, can you?

Speaking of kissing, Mr. Belli is called The Kissing Bandit, because he kisses everybody on the cheek when he meets them.

I went down to the lobby here and bought some things to be ready. Here's some lip balms ... this one's cherry - I like the smell but I don't think I'd use it, lest someone think I were a teenage girl. Now, if Adriano Belli ever visits me here, I can give him one back.

While I'm waiting, I'll just sit here and read my newspaper.

*With deep and abiding affection and apology to the legendary Andy Rooney.

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