Sunday November 12, 2017
She isn't looking for someone to 'complete her,' she just wants to share her life with someone
more stories from this episode
- 'There's this ambient feeling that something is terribly, terribly awry': How we delegitimize single people
- She isn't looking for someone to 'complete her,' she just wants to share her life with someone
- Desperately seeking solitude: The upside of being alone
- Older, single and ready to mingle: the complicated reality of dating in your sixties
- Being single in a small community means your private life is public
- 'What, oh my gosh, you have herpes too!?': The highs and lows of dating with an STI
- Do you, Tallulah, take yourself to be your lawfully wedded wife?
- 'I love being single and I will continue to be single for the rest of my life'
- Full Episode
Andrea Janus says that as a single person, if you admit you're lonely, most people don't want to hear it.
"People always want to spin it with the 'You can pick up and leave.' 'You can do this.' 'You can do that.' 'You have your freedom.' 'You can sleep in.'
"Instead, no one will just say to you, 'That sucks.' 'I'm sorry that's not making you happy…"
Andrea doesn't want to be single.
"I feel like it's a couple's world or a family's world…[And] when you are so far removed from that package.., it's lonely, even when you have all these people to do things with," she says.
"It feels like it's other people's relationships and other people's families that you're spending time with. You just want to have some of that for yourself too."
Andrea brings up a conversation she had with her cousin, who has two young children.
"She recognizes... that she can get a babysitter if she feels overwhelmed or tired and needs a break from the kids. She went to L.A. and visited friends for a few days, came back, recharged, ready to go.
Andrea says her cousin pointed out that it doesn't go the other way for someone who is single.
"You can't step into some sort of ready made family that's waiting for you for a while to ease the loneliness and then step back into your single life."
Andrea says she craves that intimate connection with someone - both physical and emotional intimacy - that isn't always easy to find.
"You can love your family and your friends but it's not the same as someone who has come into your life. And, you grow together and develop feelings, and you want to support them as much as they support you, and you want to love them as much as they love you."
Andrea says it's hard to admit that in her aloneness, she's lonely.
"I don't talk about it a lot so this is very scary for me...It's scary to admit because also as a woman, you are afraid to sound desperate."
Andrea isn't looking for the cliché of someone 'to complete her,' nor is it about someone to take care of her. It's about someone to share her life with.
"I'm not looking for Ward Cleaver. You want to say, 'I'm ok on my own,' and I am. I can stand on my own two feet. I know I can do that. Done. It's not a challenge...I have nothing to prove."
She says couples often romanticize that aspect of her life, that she gets to run the show.
"I've been running the show for a long time. I'd really like a co-producer on this production I call my life, right?"