TORONTO, ON—A crisis has hit Toronto’s Rosedale neighbourhood during summer home-renovation season, as local paint stores’ stocks of white paint are threatening to run dry, and both customers and sellers fear that popular choices ivory, eggshell, and neutral may be next to go.
Some residents dealt with the news angrily. Said Trent Bannock of the southern Rosedale area, “This is tough, I’m not going to lie. Unacceptable for them to let this happen. What am I going to buy, off-white? Sure, if I need to. But only if I need to.”
Other Rosedalianites, like Patricia Lennox, put on a braver face. “I’m not too worried about this. I’ve got plenty of options. They’ve probably got a Milky Taupe, or an Ultra-Light Grey. I’ve always wanted to take a chance on Morning Porridge or Softest Wheat. And here’s something a lot of people tend to forget: you can always move.”
Owner Archie Biggs of nearby shop Paints & Just Paints aims to alleviate fears, and says that the situation is of little concern to him. “No, no, no, there’s no need for worry. I’ve got all sorts of options. Check this out. Snowy Owl. Vanilla Surprise. Mark Twain Suit. Coconut Filling. Printer Paper. This one over here? This particular product is a blend of the colours of Doc Brown’s hair and lab jacket in the Back To the Future films. For those customers who want to bring home a little bit of Hollywood.”
At press time, Benjamin Moore’s new Cloud Cover, Fonzie’s T-Shirt, and Bing Crosby’s Fave lines were announcing sellouts neighbourhood-wide.