A person’s guide to petting other people’s dogs

Let’s be honest, dogs are the best. If you don’t like dogs you’re probably a serial killer so maybe go see your doctor if that’s the case. How can you not like a furry bundle of joy that just wants to be your friend? If you don’t have a dog, we've developed a system to weasel your way into the lives of other people's dogs. Even if you have a dog of your own, it’s always fun to mix it up every once in a while. If you love dogs as much as Punchline, (and we know you do) follow these simple rules and you’ll be snuggling someone else’s pooch in no time!

1. “Hi buddy!”

Dog owners can be assholes. If you had a nickel for every time some yuppie ding dong gave you the stink eye for smiling at their French bulldog, you’d be rich (and by rich we mean 20 or so nickels richer...). Don’t let these people scare you. It can be intimidating at first, but ease yourself into it with a gentle “Hi buddy!” If you’re feeling bold and that approach is too pedestrian for you, try gently barking at the dogs. Go “aroo roo roo!” and wave at them. Barking shows that you’re making a real effort to connect with the animal by speaking their language. If the owner understands and appreciates that, there’s a good chance they’ll let you go to the next level and pet their dog.

2. Stalk your prey

Some of you are probably reading this thinking “This is all well and good, but where am I to find these dogs?” We’ve learned that in order to increase your dog hangout chances, it’s best to put yourself in situations where the dog numbers are high. Try a park on a sunny day, a street festival or visit your local dog park. A dog park can be tricky if you don’t have a dog, so do not go alone. Again: DO NOT GO ALONE. A person alone at a dog park without a dog is like a pervert on a playground or a man wearing jeans on the beach. Take a few friends. No one will let you pet their dog if they think you’re going to abduct it.

3. Close the deal

Now that you’ve established trust, go ahead and ask. Worse case scenario, they say no and then you can reprimand them for being a heartless monster. Our research has shown that 9 times out of 10 they will say yes if you ask. Sometimes they’ll have a legit excuse like “he’s shy” or “he bites strangers in the face.” DO NOT PET THE DOGS THAT MIGHT BITE OFF YOUR FACE, YOU NEED YOUR FACE.

4. Beg like a dog

Not literally, but you need to pander to the owner’s ego. They want to feel like they’re in charge so flattery works very well here. “This is the most handsome pug I have ever seen,” or “I can’t believe how well behaved he is.” Make them feel like proud parents. Be kind, but make sure you’re not too flirty. Be clear that the dog is your primary interest and that you’re not looking to hook up. However, if the owner is as cute as the dog, you have our blessing.

5. Be the cool aunt or uncle

Once they’ve agreed to letting you pet their dog, this is your moment to shine. You need to show that pet owner that you enhanced their dog’s life by letting you pet it. Be excited. Be gentle but deliberate. Be the funky uncle that your family trusts, not the weird one who stares too much and plays online poker. Respect that it’s not your dog, but love it like it’s family.

There you have it my friends! Now that you are armed with the necessary tools, get our there and pet some dogs. Share your newfound dog knowledge with friends and test the five step program today! Whether you're currently in a dog relationship or you’re dog single, these five simple steps will enhance your life forever. That’s a dog gone guarantee.

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