Keeping the cauldron at bay

Last Updated: Friday, February 19, 2010 | 7:06 AM ET

By Brandon Hicks, CBC Sports

The Olympic cauldron, behind a chain-link fence. (Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images)

We've all heard about the story of the fence surrounding the Olympic cauldron.

People waking up early on the day after the opening ceremony to get a glimpse of the newly-lit flame receptacle on Vancouver's waterfront were greeted with a shock: the cauldron was surrounded by an unsightly chain-link fence, obstructing views and drawing the ire of passers-by and (more important) the International Olympic Committee.

Heeding the numerous complaints of what some have termed "Cauldrongate," the organizing group VANOC decided to move the fence closer to the cauldron on Tuesday, and remove part of the fence to improve views and photo opportunities. Most people seem a bit more pleased with the new layout.

But let me put this to you, fellow flame fanatics: What if the fence isn't meant to keep people out?

What if it's actually keeping the cauldron in?

Imagine if you will, a world where everything you know is the opposite of what it should be. Imagine you have an evil twin in that universe who would stop at nothing to destroy everything and everyone you hold dear.

Now imagine that he or she has found a way to travel to your universe. Scary thought.

Any of you Star Trek fans know what I'm talking about. It's that one when Kirk, McCoy and Spock encounter their evil doppelgangers in the mirror universe. Havoc ensued, along with terror on an unprecedented level.

If it could happen to Capt. James T. Kirk, it could happen to anyone. Or anything.

If only James T. Kirk wasn't stuck in the 23rd century. We need his guidance now more than ever. (Getty Images)

And remember (dramatic reveal imminent): there were two cauldrons at the opening ceremony last Friday.

Recall that there were four legendary Canadian athletes (well, three really, after the mechanical malfunction, but I digress) lighting an Olympic cauldron inside BC Place.

But that's when The Great One himself, Wayne Gretzky, thought something was up and rushed to a waiting truck to reveal what everyone else feared:

The indoor cauldron was an evil double. Gretzky somehow found out through his superhuman ability to rack up large numbers of assists, and travelled via pickup truck to light the real one and save the galaxy as we know it.

We thought he had saved the universe, just as he did in the 1987 Canada Cup and the 2002 Olympics. But clearly, something terrible has happened. Somehow, the evil cauldron knocked the real one out, and pulled the old switcheroo.

It could've happened at any point during the ceremony, while everyone was distracted (see: punk fiddlers ).

Now the evil cauldron is just sitting there on the waterfront. Stirring. Plotting.

And clearly some intrepid individual had come to the same horrifying realization and had hastily put up the fence to keep The Evil One at bay.

So don't you see what's happening here? Moving the fence means we're playing right into its hands. Who knows what'll happen if it gets moved even closer or (God forbid) it came down completely?

Makes you shudder just thinking about it.

There's obviously only one way we can know, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt what has happened:

Find the cauldron's goatee.

According to Star Trek, every person in the mirror universe wears a fashionable goatee. All we need to do is find the cauldron's, and we're set. The very universe itself could depend on it.

Now, if only we could find the cauldron's face... (Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Anyway, that's the only logical explanation I can think of for keeping one of the most recognizable symbols of international unity in a, for lack of a better term, fenced-in prison camp with "No Trespassing" signs slapped along its length.

I mean, we could assume that it was merely a monumental public relations blunder by an organizing committee that was overzealous with security around the flame…

But that's exactly what the cauldron wants you to think.

And for all we know, it could already be too late.