Overcoming inadequate flag distribution

Last Updated: Monday, February 15, 2010 | 7:33 AM ET

By Brandon Hicks, CBC Sports

Breaking down the Olympics, one unused flag at a time...

There is a disturbing lack of red, white, and maple leaf in the above photo. (Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press)

The early days of the Vancouver Olympics have been a rousing success, as the impressive venues wow spectators (weather permitting) and Canadian athletes post incredible results, spurred on by a rabid home crowd.

But there is one glaring oversight that the VANOC organizing body failed to account for, so far at least.

Flag distribution.

You know what I'm talking about. There was our lovely and wonderful Jennifer Heil at the bottom of the moguls run at Cypress Mountain on Saturday, right after she placed second in the event. Flagless. Red-and-white-less. Maple Leaf-less.

And then there were her fellow medallists, gold winner Hannah Kearney from the U.S. and compatriot Shannon Bahrke with bronze, dancing around and waving two (two!) American flags while Heil had to stand there without a red maple leaf to drape around her shoulders.

Why, oh why, were there no Canadian flag-runners on either side of the finish area? Or at least a readily available flag-dispenser and/or flag vending machine somewhere nearby?

You know as well as I do that nothing beats watching one of our shining stars waving the red-and-white around after just achieving his or her life's dream. It's a scientifically proven fact that our pride quotient goes up by a whopping 6.7 Alex Trebeks whenever we see this happen!*

A day later on the same Cypress Mountain, this oversight almost happened again, which would've been a bit awkward, since it was only the first time a Canadian had won a gold medal on home soil, ever.

There was our beloved new national hero, Alexandre Bilodeau, who was deliriously elated as he saw a No. 1 beside his name after the final men's moguls run. And he had no flag to his name.

You can label this photo: Crisis. Averted. (Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images)

For a terrible few moments, all of Canada was worried that he'd step up to the podium without our beloved banner draped around his shoulders.

That's when I started yelling at my TV — along with what I estimate to be approximately 30 million Canadians, and we were probably all yelling the same thing:

"Give him a flag!!"

Luckily, a few fans at Cypress were shouting the same thing, and Bilodeau was quickly given a flag as he posed for photos, and Canada's pride quotient went up several Trebeks.

To make sure a gaffe like this doesn't happen again, I have submitted the following intricate flag distribution protocol to VANOC, to go into effect immediately. It includes the following:

• No less than six (6) enthusiastic volunteers carrying one Canadian flag and one backup at the finish line/finish area/goal crease of every venue, to be ready to distribute within 0.7 seconds of a podium finish.
• An on-call flag service, which allows athletes to request flags in advance via cellphone, delivered via flag-runner/carrier pigeon/circling helicopter
• A second helicopter, circling Vancouver and identifying areas running dangerously low on flags via spotlight, and dropping flag packages by parachute.
• A "flagmobile" painted (what else?) red and white, which will randomly toss flags to people who appear to be athletes in the Olympic Village. It will have special permission to ignore all traffic lights and crosswalks.

Or I guess some sharp-eyed observer in the stands could just give our athletes a flag. But where's the fun in that?

Note: I sent VANOC this list via regular mail because I don't trust the internet. I mean, anyone could write anything on there, for Pete's sake!

(*Fact proven by Brandon Hicks, PhD in prideology, Feb. 17, 2002, in laboratory situated in his (parents') basement.)

Awkward pause

In other news, one of the ice-clearing machines at the Richmond Oval had an Olympic cauldron-like malfunction, causing a lengthy delay in the women's 3,000-metre speedskating event. It sat on the finish line and refused to move.

Pools of hot water flooded the finish line as the problem was being dealt with, creating a rough patch that could've been a danger to skaters.

Eventually, the vehicle was cleared off the ice and the rough patch was fixed. No word yet on whether it was another dreaded "hydraulic error."

Our own fashion police

The joke's on us, because in the year 2050 every figure skater in the world will be wearing these outfits. (Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)

The following comments are from our live chat on the pairs short program, regarding the fashion choice of the Ukraine's Tatiana Volosozhar and Stanislav Morozov (pictured below, right). Two things immediately come to my mind when reading them:

1. Our wonderful and dedicated figure skating fan base and commentators can be really catty when they want to be, and...
2. I never, ever, want to be a fashion designer for figure skating. Too much pressure.

CoverItLive posts follow, without additional comment:

"Am I watching figure skating or Family Guy?" — Tony Care, CBCSports.ca

"Wow. Metallic cobalt." — Crazy Cal, McKinney, Texas

"Those are the worst-looking skating outfits I have ever seen. ..." — Natalie

"Like I always say, spandex is a privilege ... not a right." — cbcsports-dlo

"OK, the blue suits are weird...but original. Nice to see someone trying something a little different!" — Lynn Valley

"I think if a figure skater doesn't have the right to wear spandex, I don't know who does!! But yes, the outfits are hideous!!" — Sandra

Brandon Hicks is a senior writer for CBCSports.ca who decided to shun a career in figure skating fashion design for the low-pressure world of sports media. He now has seven ulcers (that he knows of).