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How to protect your children
- May 25, 2009 9:51 AM |
- By Your Voice
Monday, May 25 marks International Missing Children's Day, a day to remember missing kids around the world and focus on preventing future disappearances.

Terry Smith is the Education and Volunteer Development Coordinator at Childfind Ontario.
She took your questions on child safety and keeping your kids safe.
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Comments (17)
As the Editor of a Child Safety Alert magazine, I write on the topic of child safety and protection issues.
When children are lost or are separated from a parent, talking to strangers may be necessary for them to receive help. But it is also crucial for children to know they are not to talk to, and specifically, are not to go with strangers who approach them.
What is the best way for parents to get through to their children about stranger danger, to prevent them from becoming another child abduction case?
Terry Smith: “Stranger Danger” is a phrase that we try not to use, as it is ominous in tone, and quite frankly misleading. You are correct that children may find themselves in a situation where they need to ask for assistance from a “stranger.”
It is important that children know that while you can not tell by looking at someone if they are “good” or “bad,” there are many “safe strangers” who can help them if they are in trouble. When at a store or mall for example, point out employees to your child they are identifiable by a uniform or name badge, or by the fact that they are behind a cash register.
Should you become separated, let your child know that going to one of these people is the right way to get help.
When you are at a large public venue like an amusement park or sports facility once again, point out people who work there as being “go to“ people in an emergency. It’s also a great idea to have a designated spot to go to in case you get separated.
Always remind your children that they should never leave the area; you will not leave without them!
An American study showed that 115 children were abducted (and 50 tragically murdered) in the U.S. by strangers in a recent year (I believe it was 2006), with a child population of 70 million.
Statistically this works out to about a one in 1.5 million chance that an American child will be abducted and murdered by a stranger. I assume the odds are similar in Canada.
Given that the vast majority of child abductions/murders are by someone the family knows and trusts, what is your opinion on the focus police and other groups have on alerting children to the dangers of stranger abduction?
Do you feel that the benefits of such awareness outweigh both the fear and apprehension parents and children are given by such a focus, and the real danger it has of deflecting attention away from the group that commits the majority of abductions (people known to and trusted by the victim)?
Terry Smith: You are quite right that statistics show that a child has a much greater risk of being abducted, exploited or abused by someone they know than by someone they do not know. Stranger abductions in Canada are also rare; however they often end tragically which is why they get the most media attention.
While it is frustrating for us that it often takes a tragedy to remind people about safety, we welcome any chance to reinforce the “rules.” It is important to teach children safety strategies regardless of the situation they may find themselves in. Parents need to remember the goal is never to scare your child, but rather to prepare them.
Do you have suggestions about how to find a balance between giving our kids the necessary freedoms that allow them to grow into independent individuals without putting them at unnecessary risk? It's hard to know when our fears are crippling our children or keeping them safe.
Terry Smith: Keeping fear out of your message to kids is often quite hard especially when you are talking to them as a result of a current tragedy unfolding in the news media.
That’s why it is important to start teaching your children basic safety strategies at a young age. Teach them young, teach them often, and teach them without anxiety. This way, you have given them a solid base on which to make “the right call” should they ever find themselves in a potentially dangerous situation.
Just because there is the possibility that your child might get run over by a car, does not stop you from letting them play outside, correct? That’s because you have taught them to look both ways before they cross the street and be mindful of traffic. Personal safety is no different. Put awareness strategies in place, but never deprive them of the right to be a child.
My husband and I are scheduled to take our two children to Florida in July for vacation, ages 9 and 14.
What happens if one of my children go missing when we're out of the country?
Terry Smith: Regardless of where your child may go missing, your first call would be to local police. They will investigate the particulars surrounding the situation and take the lead in bringing your child back to you safely.
Should you require further assistance, say there is a language or culture concern, you may contact the local Canadian Embassy for further assistance. It is always good to travel with some basic information on your child just in case.
Our Kidcheck fingerprint identification booklet is a handy tool to have. It contains not only your child’s fingerprints for identification purposes, but also a current photo (key to any investigation!) and a complete history on your child physical, medical, social and behavioral. This information is not specific to Canada; it is specific to your child! Therefore it is an aid to any law enforcement anywhere in the world.
Would you agree that people should be wary of posting and tagging photos of their children on social networking websites?
Terry Smith: Ah, social networking sites! A wonderful way to share photos and info with our friends and family! Also a great way for complete strangers to access our personal information! We always advise kids to not post any personal or identifying information online. We would definitely advise caution with adults as well!
Putting firewalls and security measures on your personal computer has no bearing on public social networking sites. Once you post information photos, videos, data of any sort it’s out there for everyone and anyone to see forever! If you must post photos online, it is certainly safer to not include any identifying information.
Last weekend, I discovered that my 12 year old daughter and her two 11 year old friends were unsupervised while exploring a large local Ontario Regional Park, for which my daughter's friend has a pass. The friend's parents thought that it was okay for the girls to spend a couple of hours roaming the park but we were not told when we took our daughter to their house after she was invited over. There is a sizeable reservoir and forest in the park, which is a ten minute walk from their house. Although I've been hearing about the "free-range kids" approach popular with some families, we're not comfortable with it. Although I won't say anything to the other parents, I did ask my daughter to call us next time she finds that she's not going to have any adults around on an outing. Am I being overly protective?
Terry Smith: I am curious as to why you would not say anything to the other parents?
It is important that as parents we make our expectations regarding behaviour and permissiveness known to anyone who we entrust our children to. You are not telling them how to treat their child; rather you are explaining the rules in your family dynamic and how you expect them to be followed regardless of where your child is, or with whom.
Most parents would certainly understand and appreciate knowing what is deemed appropriate in your family before your child visits. Should you find that fundamentally, your views differ from them, it would be wise to not allow your child to go.
Great job in advising your daughter to let you know when she is asked to go somewhere unsupervised! She understands your family rules and that you trust her to make good decisions!
How can I best prepare my young daughter to avoid being tempted by strangers?
Terry Smith: Start early with your daughter, explaining some basic rules. It is never okay to go with or accept something from ANYONE unless she has mom and dad’s permission!
Should someone ask her for help to find a lost puppy for instance remind her that adults do not ask a child for help, they should be asking another adult.
I would encourage you to go to our website: www.ontario.childfind.ca. There you will find basic safety rules which are all age and situation specific. These are excellent as not only a starting point, but also for review with your older kids!
And remember, keep the fear out of your voice! Nothing to be afraid of; you are giving your daughter tools that will serve her well throughout her life!
Hello,
My daughhter is 5 years old and starting Kindergarten this September. Do you recommend any safety accessories such as a panic alarm, or cell phone when she is absent from home during the day?
Terry Smith: No electronic or monitoring device can replace an open dialogue with your child. Ensure that your child knows basic safety rules. When children are first heading off to school it can be exciting, and a little bit scary for them as well!
Before school starts take a walk with your daughter so that she is familiar with the route to school or the bus stop. Point out neighbours she knows or perhaps public places, like a restaurant or store along the way. Tell her that if she gets lost or frightened a public place is a safe place to go that an adult there will make sure she is okay.
Make sure she knows her name, address and phone number so that someone can get a hold of you. Never put identifying information on the outside of her backpack or lunch bag however, this is an open invitation to anyone to call her by name and she may incorrectly think that she knows them!
Hi Terry,
1. What's your opinion about 'the secret password'? Parents use it to let their kids know it is OK to go with someone they know/don't know when that someone says the secret password that the parents and kids agreed upon.
We have no secret password for our son. We just ask him to never go (leave school, etc) with anybody, even with the person he knows quite well, unless we have discussed it beforehand.
2. What's your advice on teaching kids to differentiate among 'good' and 'bad' strangers?
Thank you.
Terry Smith: Having a secret password is another great tool that some families use. It is always good howeve,r to reinforce the rule that your child should never go with anyone unless it has been pre-approved by you! I often tell kids who use the secret codeword system, that even if the person knows the password, it is still a good idea to let a teacher, coach or other adult know that you are leaving with this person.
We teach kids that you can not tell by just looking at someone if they are good or bad. There are different types of people: stranger, familiar and known. A stranger is someone they have never met or seen before; a familiar person is someone they may have seen but do not know very well at all; and of course known people are people they know and interact with regularly like their family members. So you see, not good and bad just different!
Pointing out “safe strangers” like store employees, stadium security personnel, and police officers is a way for them to know who they could go to for help.
As media outlets try to lead us to believe, are children really less safe today than 5, 10, 20 or even 50 years ago?
Terry Smith: With an increase in population, and the increase in technology like the internet, children today do find that they often face issues that we didn’t face many years ago. The good news is that over the last 20 years we have made great strides in teaching kids about personal safety, so they are more AWARE than ever.
Kids know they will not be in trouble if they speak up about an uncomfortable situation; rather, it is the right thing to do!
As a mother of two boys, ages 6 and 10, how can I give my children greater freedom to 'just be kids' yet keep them safe from predators? And what are the normal types of 'freedoms' that children these ages should be allowed to have? Thank you.
Terry Smith: Restrictions as well as expectations for your children are unique to any family dynamic. We would be wrong to say, “My son is 10 so therefore he should be allowed to do….” It always depends on the individual child and his level of maturity and comprehension.
Certainly we must always remember to allow our kids to be just that, kids! To enjoy all of the excitement and possibilities that come with that. Making safety strategies a part of your child’s daily life, making them not something they think about, but rather something they just DO, is a great way to prepare them and allow them to enjoy being kids.
In Ontario, what is the legal age for a child to be home alone (for a couple of hours)?
Thanks.
Terry Smith: There is no law that states at what age a child may be left home alone in Ontario. The general rule of thumb is that no child under age 10 should be left alone and that a child should be at least 12 before being allowed to supervise younger children for short periods.
Many variables come into play when deciding whether or not a child should be left unsupervised. Parents should base their decision on the maturity level of the individual child and must ensure that their child will be safe. Many 11-year-olds are mature enough to be left alone for a few hours; some 14-year-olds are not.
Logic dictates that very young children should never be left unsupervised as this would pose a danger to their physical safety.
My 6-year-old is sensitive, imaginative and easily scared. I would like to educate her more about safety, particularly about abductions, but it is a real possibility that she would be too afraid to leave the house or go to public places. Any suggestions how I can introduce these kinds of safety ideas without terrifying my child?
Thank you.
Terry Smith: If your child is particularly sensitive, and easily scared, a good place to start is to ask her to explain what it is that scares her. For each of her concerns you will have the opportunity to assure her that you will be there for her and keep her safe.
Once she is accepting of that basic fact, then you can introduce a few safety rules each time making sure she understands why it is a good rule, and how it will keep her safe. Once again, keep the fear and anxiety out of your voice children, especially a sensitive child, will pick up on that and follow your lead!
Our daughter is 3.5 years and her sister will be 2 in September. At what age should we start talking about strangers? We are also struggling with the best age to talk to our older daughter about protecting herself from people she might know.
Echoing the other comments here, we don't want to make her afraid but recognize an ongoing discussion will need to start at some point.
Thank you.
Terry Smith: You know best the comprehension level of your daughters. Do they understand that they should look both ways before they cross the street? I always think that is a very good baseline comprehension.
Once they get that, we know they are aware of their surroundings and the consequences of their actions. If you visit our website, www.ontario.childfind.ca, you will find specific safety rules for preschoolers a great place to start!
Given the assumption of stable family life, and responsible parenting, what is the biggest risk situation for our children statistically, and what can we do to avoid it?
Terry Smith: With regard to missing children, statistically the largest portion is runaways. Kids often run away because whatever problems they are experiencing, either real or perceived, are overwhelming to them.
It is therefore important that we keep an open dialogue with our kids at all times. If need be, another trusted adult other than their parents is always a good support net.
They need to know that whatever the issue is, we will be on their side. We love them and we will be their biggest champion and we will always listen.
Why the strict restrictions on using the Amber Alert. Is it not better to be safe than sorry? I the entire time, I never understood why it was not used when Tori Stafford went missing. I would hope if my child was missing, the alert would go forward. It is painfully obvious in retrospect it would have been one more step in her recovery. What am I missing here?
Terry Smith: The Amber Alert is a police procedure with strict guidelines to ensure that it is used to the best of its ability. It is just one of many tools that law enforcement can engage when dealing with a missing child.
Its original intent, in its origins in Texas, is to involve media and community members of a current, ongoing situation. To keep this integrity, which enables it to be successful, certain criteria must be met.
In simpler terms, if an Amber Alert was issued each and every time a child went missing, with no other criteria other than a child is missing, then it would be issued over 20,000 times in Ontario alone each year!
While I can't speak for law enforcement, I can assure you that all law enforcement officers act and react with the utmost urgency whenever a child is reported missing.
What security issues should I cover with the pre-school that my child will attend at 3 years old?