How to divorce and not wreck the kids
- January 5, 2009 11:38 AM |
- By Your Voice
Almost 40 per cent of Canadian marriages end in divorce, according to figures from Statistics Canada. Most of those divorces end before 15 years of marriage.
That often means young children are involved. An acrimonious split can leave devastating scars on a family.
Maureen Palmer took a different approach when her marriage ended more than a decade ago. She flew from Vancouver to Edmonton every second weekend and slept in her ex-husband's basement so she could spend as much time as possible with her daughters.
In the documentary How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids, Palmer and writer/producer Helen Singer look at three couples going through separation and divorce and the steps they take to ensure that the end of marriage doesn't mean the end of the family.
The couples take different approaches:
- Do-it-yourself divorce kit.
- Mediation.
- Collaborative divorce.
Read Maureen Palmer's answers below.
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Comments (18)
Hi:
I realize the above approaches are best-case approaches that the viewer would benefit from knowing about. However, will the broadcast include tips to deal with former partners who may be less than rational. I work in the area and know both mom and dad can be equally difficult in these circumstances and lose sight of the impacts this sort of behaviour can have on the monkeys as they grow.
One other thing, could it be pointed out or described that the more the law is involved in making decisions about the children, the less control or decision making power the parents have. Understanding this issue works well to bring the unreasonable back to the reasonable.
Look forward to the show.
Michael.
Maureen Palmer responds:
Thanks for the query and sigh: if only we could compel people to be reasonable. Because of the length of the broadcast (approximately 42:00 minutes) I stayed hyper-focused on the task at hand: showing Canadians three real couples trying to be reasonable even under the most difficult of circumstances. I do agree with you, quite often the more the current law is involved, the less control both parents have.
That's the reality when you enter the court system. However, governments across the country are experimenting with new ways to make the law much more accessible and at the same time, support families during the stressful time of mom and dad splitting up.
Example: the Nanaimo Family Justice Hub is a pilot project by the B.C. government.
Ostensibly a Wal-Mart style one-stop shopping for divorce. Low or no cost, lots of access to everything from financial planners to mediators, this approach is very successful at resolving conflict and diverting parents from the courts, where inevitably things spiral into a much higher conflict.
I did negotiate for months to film there, ultimately it didn't happen.
There needs to be a lot more support from governments and organizations like the Canadian Bar Association for initiatives like these. There are too many organizations with entrenched interests that stand in the way of really helping separating couples be good parents together.
Write your MP. We need counselling and mandatory mediation early in the family breakdown to be widely accessible and, dare I say it - free! In the long run, the taxpayer would pay less, because court time is astronomical. And children would be a lot better off.
How does it effect the children (age 9 & 10) when they are visiting the other parent, who expects the kids to sleep on the floor of the girlfriends bedroom, while the couple is in the bed, because the father is not willing to get a place for himself that is considered the other parents home. The girlfriend has two teenage children with their own bedrooms.
How does it impact their emotional, cognitive, social growth and impact them behaviourally.
How do you handle it when the other parents says the kids have to recognize I have a girlfriend, yet not devote any quality time with the children.
Maureen Palmer responds:
Wow, I sympathize. I¹m not a child expert, but any normal person would say this is not an ideal situation for the children. What I did hear from the experts in the film: the more children have an ongoing relationship post-divorce with their father, the better they do in life.
Now, these fathers don't have to be great, they have to be merely adequate.
Is the father in this case, otherwise loving and consistently in the children's lives?
If you were to pass along info from a trained unbiased professional on the impact of this behaviour on his kids, then I'm happy to put your question to Deborah Brakeley, the child expert in our film.
As far as you are concerned, all you can do is make the children feel as loved and secure as possible while they are with you and keep the door open to communicating with the father, if it is open.
He could come to his senses.
Ms Palmer,
I have not seen the documentary yet but am excited to watch it! I think there are some other interesting statistics and questions to be asked around the "kids" who are now adults when their parents are divorcing. I am 25 and my parents are getting divorced after almost 35 years of marriage. This process does not feel any easier as I am completely aware of all the goingsons between my parents. I have several friends going through a similar situation. Is there any research in this area? Can I be apart of it?
Maureen Palmer responds:
Heather, thank you for your query. We did hear this question quite a few times while filming and our experts agree when parents split up, it can still be emotionally devastating to the children, no matter how old they are. Sadly, older children, now obviously adults, get burdened with way more inappropriate behaviour, way too many details, of mom or dad's transgressions and end up being forced to take on the role of emotional support.
I'll put your question to Joan Kelly, our divorce expert in the film, to see if she can point out resources. Good luck.
At what age does separation anxiety affect a child? I know a couple where the man left the woman, however a separation counselor suggested they stick it out for a while because their 4 month old daughter will experience separation anxiety from the absence of the father. Is this right? I would have a thought a household with less fighting would be better for an infant.
Maureen Palmer responds:
Sophie, not being an expert on children, I will put this question to Deborah Brakeley our child expert. Stand by.
Hi,
I appreciate this issue being addressed. I only wish that parents who have already gone through the separation/divorce process would have learned these tips and advice at an earlier date.
Divorce and the emotional hardships of being involved as a child "stuck in the middle" has already had a large impact on my life as an adult--I have a very negative view on marrage as a whole.
If only it were possible to instill the above advice or make it manditory that those who choose to divorce take some sort of test or process to ensure they understand the effect on their children? That might help others in the future from feeling the emotional/psychological effects of a distroyed family.
Maureen Palmer responds:
Christal, sorry about your situation. I do know in provinces where mediation or Parenting After Separation Courses are mandatory, they really do work to make parents understand the impact of their behavior on children. But for a whole whack of couples who lived common-law and never file for divorce - those kids fall between the cracks.
Frankly, I think the last best place to grab people before they become parents, is high school. We should teach a lot more about conflict resolution in what used to be called Career and Life Management classes when I was young.
Good luck to you, get counseling and believe in love if not marriage.
How do you deal with parental alienation when a teenager is involved?
Maureen Palmer responds:
Stephanie, parental alienation is horrible and way out of my league.
However, child expert Deborah Brakeley, from my film, may be able to help you. I'm forwarding your question to her. Keep watching, she'll get back quickly with an answer.
The Courts still look at custody and visitation as a parental right -- big mistake.
Unimpeded access to both parents -- and both sets of grandparents -- is a primary developmental need of any child.
Both parents should be obligated to remain within child's walking distance through high school.
Maureen Palmer responds:
George, sadly, too many judges and lawyers still think in terms of a paradigm that just doesn't work. Can you yell "old school?"
The only rights that ought to matter are children's to know and love both parents - IF they are loving and caring parents.
Ditto grandparents etc. Take a look at Joan Kelly¹s Top Ten Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Fallout of High Conflict Divorce, a resource at Bountiful.ca and on the CBC website.
What about situations of separate/divorce that are not going to work with mediation or collaboration? Ei: abusive situations or very bad behaviour etc.. My husband had children with a woman who never wanted to marry him even though he stood by her when they had kids very young. He was a safe bet, but she got bored and left. She took the kids and abandoned them a few times. So he had to take over full time parenting for a long time until she returned wanting to be a MOM again. The daughters REALLY wanted to be with her mom even though she was erratic, put them in dangerous situations etc..but colourful and fun. Their mom moved to an area that is very hard for us to get to so visits are not common. The mom has had several relationships exposing the girls to many men while my husband always kept things stable and we met after the girls were spending a summer with their mom.
We assumed things were cool, but we are worried that she is being too permissive, not contacting my husband about important decisions and allowing them to do things he would not. She is leaving the latest man and looking for a place to live in an area with no vacancies and insane rents. My husband talked to his girls about staying with us but they were set on staying with their mom and they have a rich social life at school. They are at the age where the courts would let them choose. We are maybe a bit boring but there is always food and stability. He asked the mom about them staying here until she finds a place to live, but she refused. At what point should the other parent step in?
Having grown up with parents that can't stand each other I would never advocate staying together for the kids, but I think more emphasis should be on educating young people about doing their best to make sure they have kids with someone they at least hope to be with in the long run and that they will be able to work together if they divorce.
Maureen Palmer responds:
This is a toughie. Children DO love their parents, regardless of how flawed. I really can't comment on specific situations and I'm not a child expert. My gut tells me to never close the door to those girls - and sadly - time may prove to be your ally.
If the situation you paint is true, the girls will inevitably be disappointed by their mother.
I will pass your question along to Deborah Brakeley, our child expert in the film. Good luck to you.
Dear Ms. Palmer,
In my practice as a divorce lawyer, my clients often are faced with the following question:
How do you respect your ex-spouse's custody and access rights when they fail to respect their financial obligations?
Maureen Palmer responds:
I have my own answer to that question: when your marriage breaks up you both have a duty to financially support your children - AND the children have a right to know and love both parents - even the one that's NOT honouring their financial obligation. Just because one parent isn't respecting their financial obligation doesn't give anyone the right to withhold access.
That's not your right. Seems to me that's like punishing the children for the parent's transgression.
Frankly as a caring lawyer, I think it's your job to re-frame the discussion. Children love both parents. I think the more a parent continues to encourage access with a parent who doesn't financially support his/her children, the MORE the recalcitrant parent gets to know and love their children, the MORE likely they are to cough up the cash.
Four decades of kids and divorce research clearly shows us the old withholding custody until cash is coughed up, only hurts the kids.
50% of people who are married get divorced. Is that true? If so, marriage is definitely not such a good idea. Then add kids into the divorce... what a disaster!
Marriage as I understand, is simply a tradition brought to you by your (not-so)friendly neighborhood fiend called religion... just because your grandparents did it and your parents did it does NOT equal that you should tie the knot simply to tow the line. Think yourself, be yourself and live happy (as a couple.)
Communicate!!! Tip of the year: Never tell your partner what you "don't" want, always tell them what you do want instead!
As much as you want your partner to be able to read your thoughts... they can't (at least not accurately enough). You Must tell them.
:D Good luck to all couples (including the newly-weds!) Sharing you're life with the one you love gives VERY positive meaning to life (or at least you'll stop asking yourself the question anyway.) :D
The idea of amicable divorce is predicated on one thing... the idea that two people can get along in settling financial, custody, access and support issues. What if one is willing and the other isn't? I would guess that is the situation for a lot of splitting couples. Add lawyers into the equation, whose livelihood depend on billing clients for services, and the time, effort, and money spent on divorce is outrageous. This directly negatively affects children, as the combined family nest egg has just disappeared. Divorcing parents often cash in RRSPs and clean out savings accounts to pay up their legal bills. Won't this have an effect on their ability to pay for the kids' future needs, like university education?
All to ask... what do you do if you are the parent wanting to speed things along in a straightforward way and the other is dragging it out with the help of divorce lawyers? It's nice when family lawyers say they are behind collaborative divorce, but it would be interesting to examine the actual billable hours paid out for each divorce involving these same lawyers.
Is there no recourse for the average person who was involved in a divorce that was deliberately dragged out by the other's family lawyer, costing a fortune?
This morning's radio program brought a tear to my eye. It brought back my memories of once being a stay at home dad to being forced into a no custudy Dad. I pushed hard for colabertive law, but her and her $450 per hour lawyer refused. It hurts to think how i'm OK to be a professional responsible for the good of the public, but not Ok for my own children. When do you think our goverments will hold our capitalist law society accountable for the best interest of children? If NDP Tommy Douglas was around i'm sure he would stand up against our professional law society as he did against the professional medical society for the good of all Canadian citezens.
Palmer! Appreciating the wisdom of the concept, how much if at all, does a successful, more wholsesome outcome depend upon the individual character, individual emotinal strength / condition of the child, children in question? How does one determine and/or manage that issue? Love ya.
Hi,
I am separated and struggle with one issue more frequently than other issues. My son is 5 years old and his father does not visit him on a regular basis. For example, my son will see his Dad 3 out of 5 days and then his Dad will disappear for 3 weeks, with no contact at all. My son becomes confused, doesn't think his Dad loves him, cries for him etc.. What do I do? I have sole custody of my son, can I regulate the amount of time my son spends with his father so that when his father does disappear the separation anxiety isn't so severe? This is tough for a 5 year old to understand.
Palmer! Appreciating the wisdom of the concept, a successful, more wholesome outcome depends much upon the individual character, individual emotional strength / condition of the child, children in question? Does your piece explore how one might determine and/or manage that issue?
Love...
Many lawyers are also mediators. Many lawyers would rather be mediators for divorce than work through the courts. Many mediators cannot make a living from mediation.
Most divorcing couples I know do not have enough trust to seek mediation instead of separate divorce lawyers.
How can mediation be more encouraged as a viable option, especially when people are hurt and there is low trust?
In Ontario, I understand that mediators are not regulated as a profession, therefore you may not have an easy way to find a high-quality mediator.
Good Morning
Context:
I am currently involved in a separation unilaterally initiated by my wife who has refused matrimonial counselling, who does not accept any responsibility whatsoever for the failure of our marriage and who is unwilling to assume the consequences of her decision in any way. (She wants everything to be as it was minus me. The children, the house, my complete financial support... She has had no employment for the last four years following our decision to have a stay at home parent during their grade-scool years) Our daughters will be 8 and 9 this year. They have both expressed their desire (unsollicited) to have equal access to both of us. I requested joint custody but she flatly refuses and wants full custody. Her initial position was 80-20 access rights and she feels she has been generous by accepting 70-30. Her position and her actions have no discernable underlying rationale.
My question: Is it appropriate to insist that my daughters' expressed desire in the custody settlement be respected and accomodated?
PS: I have read all of the posted questions and would love to read the answers. Is this possible?
Thanking you in anticipation,
Best Regards,
Jean-Marc
i missed the airing last night. is there another way i could view this documentary?
Note:
How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids airs again on Saturday Jan. 10, 2009 at 10 pm ET/PT on CBC Newsworld.