I have seen the future and it is stupid.

So that you don't have to, I watched an episode of the Fox Network's massively popular (among Americans) new game show, Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader? The answer to the question is, of course, no you aren't.

The show pitted six contestants against each other. Five were charming little kids and one was an American adult with a college degree. He chose Grade 1 English and was asked "How many times does the letter e appear in the following phrase: 'Pledge of Allegiance?'" For all us Canadians, that's something Americans recite every day in school.

The crewcut, bull-necked young white male contestant struggled, his wife and child watching in the audience. Painful is not the word.

I was rhythmically hitting my head with a hardback copy of Jonathan Rose's The Intellectual Life of the British Working Classes and scrunching up my face to weep, but the tears wouldn't come somehow, only a gasping sadness.

The man began his calculations. "Well, there's one e in 'the.'" Then he said how tough it was not to have pencil and paper. Then the kids started giggling. It went downhill from there. As things do on Fox.

On the Fox website, even the viewers posting to the show's message board couldn't spell. It was way worse than Amazon.com reviews, the ones that Guardian Talk readers collect online like precious stones. The Washington Post, a literal-minded, ponderous and timorous newspaper, wrote about the Fox show but spectacularly missed the point, as always, by deploring the sad decline in the intellectual standards of game shows.

But a website loved by me, www.defamer.com, advised readers not to link to the Post's lumpen history of how quiz shows reached their current Just Hold Up Two Fingers And I'll Give You Ten Thousand Dollars! Can You Do That For Me, Guy? state, and instead ran a clip with the headline "Aren't We All Dumber than a 5^th Grader, When You Really Think About It?"

One viewer complained (complained!) that Fox was making money off stupid people, as if this were not an explanation of the entire history of Rupert Murdoch's News Corp., from topless teenagers in the London Sun to the coarseness and racism of Fox News. But the trick of this game show is that Fox is profiting from the contestant's stupidity while humiliating and mocking him for it.

It's a circle of government and industry working in tandem: the Bush Administration guts the American education system, which makes Fox programming attractive to larger numbers of people, who are then ridiculed by people like me, but now also by Fox itself.

It's an achievement, of sorts. The problem when you're Canadian is that the show evokes not laughter but horror. I would pay not to watch this. I regret seeing it as much as I regret watching the beheading video of Daniel Pearl, another gift of the internet that I have repaid with nightmares and wishing I were already the coarse unfeeling heart-of-Plexiglass person I will inevitably become if I continue in this line of work.

Canadians don't laugh at learning-disabled people. It's not what civilized people do, and you learn that from your parents fast. Am I alone in being astonished at the return of the word "retard" to everyday conversation?

And it's particularly wrong for an American audience to laugh at this guy because he's so clearly the type of person the U.S. employs in the army and at border crossings. All that Homeland/Heartland nonsense spewed out by Fox and the U.S. government doesn't disguise the fact that they despise these people even as they hunt their votes to sustain a tiny class of rich men with pale faces and scary glasses. I give you Dick Cheney, Roger Ailes, Kyle Sampson, Karl Rove…

On that same day I saw this, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the man in charge of the Stalin-style purges of federal attorneys deemed to be "disloyal" to the Republican party, essentially pleaded for his job on the grounds that he was poor once and Hispanic to boot. So he had clawed his way out of poverty to a job where he essentially runs the American secret police, and asks that he be allowed to stay on by virtue of once having been the kind of person he'd stomp on now.

This is one of the virtues of a badly educated electorate. They fall for this reasoning.

When I say that a stupid future lies ahead, you might well think this a good thing for writers. All we have to do is aim our work at the stupid, which is presumably easier (shorter words, simplified ideas, no tangents, frequent use of the word "fave"). But the problem is that it takes more effort to write badly than to write well, and I'm lazy.

I speak as one who runs the gamut, a combination of educated and clueless.

The London Review of Books is my favourite publication. So I'm smart, right? No, because I think the nude fight scene in Borat is the funniest thing ever filmed. Simple-minded, then? No, I drool over the northern Flemish still-life painters of expired eels but Rembrandt leaves me cold. Complicated to the point of idiocy? No, I live for Margaret Atwood's poetry, her most pared-down and greatest achievement. Just idiocy, then? No, my husband wouldn't have married an idiot. He, who chose British newsrooms over a university education, is the most wise and clever person I know, and that's not a compliment I hand out easily.

Being humane is the most important quality. The fact is that education is the fastest, best, cheapest and most joyous way to get citizens and civilizations to that point.

I watch Americans sink from the relative civilization of the late 19^th century to the point where smart and beautiful children are paid to mock the stupid adult and I know what's next: Bear-baiting.

We're back in Elizabethan times, but without a Shakespeare.

This Week

After much urging from my agent, Bruce Westwood, who gave his staff the day off so they could have a joint intellectual experience (imagine your boss doing that), I finally saw the German film Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others), director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck's first film.

It is a shattering study of fascism, courage, cowardice and all the human emotions that can lie behind a blank face. More than anything, it is about betrayal. You will be able to link each character to people you have encountered. Stasi Culture Dept. Lt.-Col. Grubitz, I know him well. Me, I'm probably the woman across the hall, protecting her daughter at the cost of moral death.

It is a mirror of the life we are leading now, and I urge you to see it.

---

LETTERS:

Heather Mallick hits the nail on the head about the dumbing down of American Society. However, in her participation in the Canadian National Sport of American-Bashing, how is it that Mallick is not looking in her own glass house?

Having educated my children in the United States, Canada and now the UK, it is clear that Canada is following the US road of gutting their education system to dumb down society so the government may "hunt their votes to sustain a tiny class of rich men with pale faces and scary glasses." Isn't that going on in Alberta right now?

Even worse, the Alberta government isn't even sustaining a tiny class of Canadians, it's sustaining that tiny class of Americans that Mallick mentions. How is it that the richest province in Canada is currently gutting their own education system, turning it over to the private sector in the name of limited funds.

For whatever reason, these selfish governments keep getting voted back in and continue to forsake our future generations in the name of greed. I guess dumbing down the populous works on both sides of the 49th parallel.

— Karen Pinkoski | Leicester, UK

I think Mrs. Malick is purposefully goading those Conservatives with thin skins and small brains, who of course play right into her hands with typically clumsy ad-hominem attacks, thereby reinforcing the stereotype.

The problem with that is her often shrill rhetorical barbs are not engaging those of her audience who think/feel/imagine differently, and therefore her columns fail as a means of rational intellectual discourse. The CBC as a national media institution should rethink her role as a columnist, not because she's not witty/intelligent, but because our times require a different sort of person, someone more committed to reaching out than scoring points.

Mrs. Malick has way too many axes to grind i.e. the toxicity of the subtext reveals much that she should wish rather kept private - that bit about her husband being the smartest guy she knows says more about her scarily fragile ego than his IQ/EQ.

Why not employ a truly accomplished writer more in tune with CBC’s oft-quoted but rarely realized mission of being Canada’s true voice, as an MA in English is merely incriminating evidence that she paid big $ to read a lot of over-rated and irrelevant shite (and I know whereof I speak, as I too stupidly borrowed big $ to read Pope and Dryden and Cowper and the rest of that musty lot while my resentful prof insinuated that I was never going to amount to anything either reading all that shite)?

—Mike | Calgary

Heather really thinks she's a class act with her expression of anti-Americanism -she insinuates that American's are stupid. Well, maybe we Canadians are a tad thick between the ears. A growing number of American's have noticed our knee-jerk anti-Americanism and they're not impressed.

Only 17% of American's view us as their best friend and a growing number of American economic blocks are determined not to invest in smug anti-American Canada. I once thought we Canadians were better than American's because we were not a bigoted racist group of individuals.

I know believe we are a bigoted society and our anti-Americanism is reaching a critical level. Perhaps we could use a good dose of soul searching along with a cup of humility.

—Jack | Sarnia

Heather Mallick the beacon of journalistic integrity lets her rabid political sentiment get in the way of yet another story. Taking the high minded attitude that a simple entertainment is somehow supposed to be something more then colouring it with her own prejudices. She hits rock bottom with the assertion that the Bush administration is somehow responsible for either the failure of the contestants or other participants!

The educational system in the US and Canada has been "Gutted" as you like to call it not by Conservative governments but by liberal ideologues who are more interested in social engineering than in education while protecting union jobs of teachers by removing them from responsibility and accountability.

In fact it is the likes of you who are largely responsible for the dumbing down of the world.

—OMMAG | Winnipeg

I cannot understand why you feel the need to continually belittle members of the armed forces and police/security authorities in your articles.It is a constant theme of your writings.

You use your soap box to distribute your far left ideologies and in situations where the link to your article is not even apparent. (you were speaking about game shows and the general dumbing down of our society right?) Your generalizations are ridiculous at best and I cannot understand why a publicly funded organization (the CBC) should give you the opportunity to spread your male/uniform hating bias.

I must apologize for all those people who ever who answered a personal calling and who have worn a uniform out of a sense of duty to the greater good of humanity. Clearly they are beneath the education and social status of you and your family.

We should all be humbled by your vast intellect, and your clear direction in the choice of a greater vocation than we. We humble surfs should simply count ourselves lucky to exist in your husbands shadow. Please. Maybe one day the jet setting urban liberal left of which you are clearly an active participant will give up on the the elitist attitude that they are some how more intelligent than someone who chose to serve their country and the world.

I love the fact that you and others like you trot out the term peace keepers any time it suits you but do not know anything of the sacrifices made by those in uniform at home and abroad.

—Sheldon | Sudbury,Ont.

Heather, I loved your thoughtful and amusing piece about the relentless dumbing-down process we are in (or, more optimistically perhaps, passing through).

The bit about how many e's there are in The Pledge of Allegiance is chilling, hilarious, and poignant, all at once.

I am sure you are right about education and a humane outlook being at least part of the answer. And if I may say (having known you for some time),I doubt very much that you are in any danger of becoming a "heart-of-Plexiglass" person.

I always enjoy your characteristic blend of insight, irony, and humanity -- keep up the great work!

—Jeffrey Heath | Toronto

Heather, are you kidding? If I had a child I would want her to be obsessed with this program because of its life lessons. Examples of what children can learn?

*Your teachers are gods. They are cool, progressive and intelligent adults. You should be honored to be in the same room with them.

*Remember what you learn in 5th grade, not just to pass an exam, but forever. Keep your textbooks. You never know when you will need that information.

*Having money and wearing nice clothes does not make you smart. There is a difference between "sucessful" and "worldly". Many people who wear cheap clothes and have no money (like many underpaid teachers!)can still be intelligent.

Granted, the show was disappointing; very few questions posed and too much snide snickering from the audience. But I did learn that polar bears and penguins live at opposite ends of the earth. That's better than watching Seinfeld any day! N'est-ce pas?

—Kari | USA

I'm always confused when a column such as this is harpooned by people who can't read past the end of their own "knows".

What in the world does this have to do with the military and veterans? No, militaries do not beat stupidity into people, but military-intelligence isn't an oxymoron for nothing.

How did the fact that Fox is about stupidity connect with the American media-construct of Left vs. Right? Remember that Right here means "Anything I do is correct, as long as I get to control what you do as well."

And when I moved from Nova Scotia did it suddenly turn into a province that could only read every second word of an opinion piece?

—Colin MacMillan | Minneapolis, Minnesota

The "dumbing down" of mass culture is a durable myth. Dumb, crass, vulgar it may be, but it's always been that way. Sure, the Elizabethan Age had Shakespeare and Marlowe, but most of the drama then, as now, was drivel.

If you judge an age by the best that it produced, you're bound to make, like Ms. Mallick, all sorts of dreary prophecies about the future state of popular entertainment.

And Ms. Mallick seems to think that mass culture-- the vulgarity of "So you think you're smarter than a 5th Grader?"-- stops at the 49th parallel. We Canadians don't laugh at "people who are learning disabled." Maybe her Canadian friends don't, but I am very skeptical that the percentage of Canadians who would laugh at the "learning disabled" is lower than the percentage of Americans who would.

Don't forget the now common term "learning disabled" is an American neologism. She should at least thank them for that. But anti-Americanism, unwavering and irrational, is a theme in all she writes. It must make writing quite simple: find something American and distasteful-- a TV show, a book, a company-- that should properly be blamed on one or few Americans, and then project its faults onto the entire American population.

—David C. | Vancouver

This is a comment on one of the feedback letters. Mr. Laffin wrote that socialists are responsible for low achievement in schools! Pardon me? The first thing "socialists" would do is ensure better funding for schools so programs don't get cut and education isn't funded through bake sales.

The second thing they might do is ensure fair funding formulas for schools so that every child gets a good quality education no matter what school district they live in. Imagine a world in which every single child has access to a good quality, well-rounded education.

Mr. Laffin wrote: "My 11 year old daughter’s school has monthly awards. Of course the awards are always for some girly thing like being compassionate, caring or helpful – never for actual academic achievement." Yes, god forbid that we reward caring, helpfulness or compassion. What kind of world could that possibly lead to? And imagine if every boy and man were caring, helpful and compassionate too? Who would create conflicts and fight wars then?

I'm just glad Mr. Laffin's daughter doesn't seem to take after her dad. I'm also glad that his daughter's school recognizes the many skills it takes to be a good citizen and build a peaceful, productive society.

—Marika | Ottawa

Heather Mallick is a perfect representative for the CBC. Off topic, politcally biased, devoid of facts, and leaning toward an irrational, jingoistic hatred of all things American (since Bush took office in 2001).

This was supposed to be a critique of a bad T.V. game show. Everyone knows there are stupid programs on T.V., there always has been and always will be, the U.S. has no monopoly on this. Unfortunately, our friendly CBC ivory tower liberal elite could not hold her hatred back and used the column space to launch an attack against the world's easiest target. George Bush and his administration.

Ms Mallick assures us that the dumbing down of society is George Bush's fault for "gutting" education. Check your facts Heather, George Bush dramatically increased the amount of federal dollars being spent on public education and even allowed Ted Kennedy to write the legislation that he eventually signed.

This is not a good thing, it feeds the problem. It's the socialistic public education system that NEEDS to be "gutted" or more appropriately, purged of the runaway liberalism that is destroying minds daily.

If students were being taught to think before being taught to "feel", then a writer such as Ms Mallick would not be able to refer to members of the Bush administration as " a tiny class of rich men with pale faces and scary glasses" and feel as though she had written something clever enough to submit. Not clever Heather, not witty, just hateful, repetitive and boring.

—Matt Winder | Camlachie, Ont.

Not only do I agree with Heather Mallick’s opinion but I also believe that today’s idiots are no dumber than previous generations. We (those of us under 30) were not the ones who initiated terms like “retard” or instigated the collapse of our education system.

What I find truly foolish is how the previous generation stood up for accessibility to education (mainly in the 60’s) and then dropped the ball when they became too affluent to care. Those who are disappointed by shows like “Fifth Grader” forfeit the mantles of self-righteous intelligence when they walked away from social responsibility.

Get off your Ethan Allen couch, drive your BMW SUV to your representative’s office and rekindle that fire you once held to fix these problems. Don’t just complain about them. So yes: I will both agree with the condemnation of “trash tv” and stand up for poor Joe-Tard, who got decimated on that show, because I identify with him.

The social-songbirds of yesteryear were all over civil justice when they had nothing to lose. Now that they are fat-cats, content with their successes and luxuries it is just too easy to stretch, yawn and mock the catastrophic output of our neglected public services.

Who is the bigger fool, the fool or the one who made him?

—Jin Akari | Toronto

I enjoyed your piece today on our stupid future, here in the lower 48. The image of Fox as an Ouroboros is spot on.

But don't you think that the show is a useful juxtaposition? While carefully selected adults appear stupider than the average fifth grader, isn't it reassuring that the kids don't sound stupid as well?

It means there's hope if we can stop bringing the smart kids down with the least common denominator mentality. I've never watched the show, so I may be off base. Just some food for your thoughts.

—Dave Beachler | Baltimore, MD USA

Thank-you so much for addressing that nauseating program "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?".

I, too, was horrified by the state of American 'culture' when I saw part of an episode. I didn't particularly see it as making fun of the dumb, however, but rather celebrating the fact that everyone's sort of dumb and that's okay .

Whatever they're going for it shows the sad state of our neighbours and it is my hope that Americans, too, will be appauled by what they see.

—Sarah Yakobowski | Guelph, Ont.

As a Canadian living for the last 5 years in San Diego, I continue to read CBC online, particularly clear-headed observers like Mallick, because you are my tenuous umbilical cord to sanity.

The programming on Fox and many other American networks, where the weak are aggressively humiliated for "entertainment" purposes, is not only depressingly cruel, it is toxic to the human spirit of basic decency.

These programs should come with warning labels like they have on rat poison. They reinforce the pathetic underbelly of humanity so that it seems, by sheer force of the number of these programs, that we are a species without any redeaming characteristics. CBC was removed from the networks down here, presumedly because you resisted throwing the innocents to the lions for amusement and profit and were therefore boring. Please continue online because some of us down here need you to survive.

—Susan Declerck | San Diego, CA

You're a hypocrite who is abusing your position of influence by ostensibly championing the cause of respect and decency in society while denigrating the military and law enforcement officials.

Too many civilians such as yourself hold the unfounded opinion that the military is a repository for the dregs of society. We military people serve our country in a way that civilians will never be required to. In return, we are treated with disrespect and contempt regardless of our educational level or occupation within the military. And for those who become disabled as a result of service, society's ill treatment is compounded by a third element; contempt.

This country's veterans are treated with contempt by civilians and Veterans Affairs Canada alike. As a disabled veteran I submit that attitudes such as yours create and foster attitudes such as mine. I regret serving my country through military service and I will continue to exploit every persuasive tool at my disposal to dissuade others from repeating my mistake. Needless to say that my children will never serve this country in military or law enforcement.

Finally, I'm not alone in my opinion. Have you wondered why the government's concentrated efforts to increase recruitment cannot keep pace with attrition? It's because of the thousands of veterans such as myself who are opening the eyes of potential recruits; one veteran will trump an entire recruiting team every time.

By the way, your subject personality, the one you used as an example of military people's lack of intelligence, is a civilian. Finally, your remarks are not just hypocritical but also destructive. I hope that you conduct yourself in a more responsible manner in the future.

—G. McEachern | Kingston, N.S.

It is fascinating to watch left wingers like Mallick turn inside out trying to blame socialist-caused societal ills on conservatives.

Yes, many people in western society are pathetically inept at basic English and Mathematics. But it is not George Bush’s fault. Nor even Stephen Harper’s. It is the fault of decades of liberal/socialistic public educational policies where the smartest and most motivated are never celebrated and the dumbest and laziest are never failed or chastised.

In reality, schools are now little more than institutions of socialization, where making sure every kid gets along and respects each other’s diversity takes precedence over making them literate.

My 11 year old daughter’s school has monthly awards. Of course the awards are always for some girly thing like being compassionate, caring or helpful – never for actual academic achievement. After all, celebrating the smartest kids might make those who are less smart feel bad. And we must never have that. And so, given the impossibility of pulling the low performers up to the level of the high achievers, the socialists do what any good socialist would do, they drag the high achievers down to the same level as the low achievers.

Everyone equal. Mission accomplished. Endless illiterate fodder for endless asinine game shows. Not to mention endless insipid columns from clueless socialist journalists.

—Ron Laffin | Toronto

I’m not sure that Heather’s rant on the dumbing down of Americans is entirely reasonable. She’s right that watching another’s humiliation is demeaning to the watcher as well as the victim. It’s one reason I have avoided watching “Borat”, although I will eventually see it. It’s because I know I have made cringing mistakes and I can feel for the other person in a similar situation.

Is it more the fact that what we are seeing greater choice in the media than a decline in the quality? Remember when all we had was CBC? Really, did we all watch the ballet on Sunday afternoon? Now that we have endless channel choices, the same audience for the ballet is probably still there for “Opening Night”.

Heather, set your favourite channels list to only show PBS (well…maybe CBC), add Fox to the parental controlled list and the future will look brighter.

—Les Hamilton | Toronto

Reading Heather Malick's article reminded me of a conversation I had several years ago with an American sociologist who was somewhat shocked to learn that I watched about 2 hours of television per week.

I went on to explain that there was nothing virtuous on TV and that it is leading to the "stupification" of North Amercian society. I rest my case.

—Bryce Fisher | Ottawa

You know, you could have done this column in four words: "left good; right bad." It seems like a lot you've just wasted a lot words. I'm not even sure what your column is about.

So the Fox Channel runs a couple stupid shows. So what? I used to watch The Apprentice, that intellectual show on NBC where the people that lose the task sleep in tents. But it was just too real for me so I had to find a new show. I turned my attention to CBS where I first hoped to catch the Evening News with Dan Rather. When I flipped it on though, Katie Couric was on. That was weird. I guess there was something about honest Dan's integrity regarding some documents about the President's Administration.

But still, surely CBS had some good programming? I did get a choice between Big Brother, The Amazing Race and Survivor. Some really good alumni came from Survivor - Richard (the IRS won't know I made a million bucks) Hatch. Good thing he wasn't on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader - too much competition.

ABC had infomercials so I went back to Fox and started watching this show called American Idol. It was odd name because the main star is some pretentious British bastard. But you know, there was some pretty good talent there and it was quite enjoyable to watch. Of course it will never last because the contestants just get forgotten, like Kelly Clarkson or Kari Underwood and some black, can I say that, girl named Jennifer Hudson.

Anyway, somehow you got to harping on rich people but you left out guys like John Edwards, Bill Gates, and John Kerry. Even Al Gore made some good coin before he started winning Oscars. I guess Jennifer (Fox Alum) Hudson's win isn't all that great after all.

I have no idea where you were going with Alberto Gonzales. I do know he fired exactly 85 less United States Attorneys than Bill Clinton's henchman (henchwoman?), Janet Reno, fired for ideological reasons.

Then you went into something about Rembrandt, Shakespeare and Borat. And your husband is the most wise and clever person you know because he married you. Shouldn't it be the wisest and cleverest? Hey I'm not sure myself. When I was in grade school the kids used to call me retarded.

—Steve | Halifax

Thank you, Heather Mallick for subjecting yourself to the sheer torture of viewing the puerile ...."smarter than a 5th grader", the newest release by that non-network, FOX.

You have no doubt saved many of us from having to endure what must have been a 24-style interrogation experience a la M. Bauer.

Of course, having seen the promo for it beforehand, I must ask, why would anyone want to see more? It is a forgone conclusion that a TV show with such a premise on any network would be asinine, but then again, we are living in a time where viewing stupidity and ignorance as entertainment has become the new freak show.

—Heather MacDonald | Ottawa