GEORGIE BINKS:
If Men Could Talk
CBC News Viewpoint | July 16, 2004 | More from Georgie Binks
I have a couple of female friends who have confided recently that their husbands have stopped talking around the house - not that they ever spoke very much, but now the silence seems louder than ever. Both guys come home at night, feet up on the couch, followed by hours of silence. When these women complain to the guys, they are met with puzzled looks. That supposedly "golden" silence has taken the shine off a lot of relationships, but it's nothing new. Many women have that complaint about their male partners. They don't talk. They don't listen.
But is it fair to criticize men for this when a) they might actually be doing both, but just not in female-friendly language and b) when they have been and continue to be brought up in a culture that criticizes them for showing or talking about their emotions? It certainly is fodder for a number of books, including If Men Could Talk (Alon Gratch, Little Brown USA, 2002) and Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say (Warren Farrell, Tarcher, 1999). Experts in the field say lack of communication is the reason thousands of marriages break up.
Deborah Tannen, an expert in male/female communication, writes in a Washington Post article entitled Sex, Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?, that from the time children are small, girls and boys learn to communicate with each other differently. For instance, while girls share secrets and talk to each other, boys do things together. Because men don't assume they need to talk to cement a relationship, they don't know what women want and they don't miss it if it isn't there. When girls grow up, they expect their husbands to be their new and improved girlfriends. But, she says, that's not what they get.
Often, women model their expectations of the kinds of conversations they should be having with men on what they see in the movies. Guys heading off to war, threatened by a crazed girlfriend, or - heck - just spooning with a woman, are taking part in pillow talk that defies reality. But if the only times you see men and women having conversations are your own experiences and those in movies, you're probably going to be wishing for the movie version.
Tannen interviewed men accused of not listening when, in fact, they were. However, they did not make eye contact, which the women expected, and they sometimes changed topics, which, she says, men do, but women read to mean they aren't listening. As well, she says when women listen to each other, they will try to empathize with what the other woman is saying. Men on the other hand, may joke about it or minimize it, which is not what women want to hear.
Not counting the cultural way that boys are edited, censored or simply shut down, there are also several other factors that zipper those mouths shut. These days men, in an effort to be politically correct and protect themselves from female heckling, are editing themselves. It's the odd man who is going to answer "yes" to the question, "Do I look fat in this?"
In other circumstances - say a cocktail party - it's a brave man who asks a woman what she does for a living. In fact, one woman in a high-powered executive job confided to me that she is never asked that. She figures men are worried they will be harangued by women who stay at home or women in the workforce, so they simply shut up on that one.
Of course, there is also the male code of silence. Men may know their best friend is having an affair and not approve, but it's a rare man who will rat him out, or even share the information with his partner. As well, few men will reveal what really happens at stag parties. Women are under the impression men get drunk and act silly. However, after interviewing a number of men several years ago for a story on stags, I learned that hookers - especially in the 80s and 90s - were pretty standard fare. Few men reveal that. Or what their friends did with them.
One male friend of mine says when he is out with the guys having a beer after hockey, the talk is light and superficial and that's the way he likes it. He says if he really has a problem he may discuss it with his wife or best friend, and yes, he feels better when he does, but it's not easy letting go and allowing people to see more of him.
Should women be trying to force or lure men into talking and listening? Is there some secret way that will get a guy to actually tell you his innermost thoughts and wonder what yours are? In the past, there always was that worry with men in top-level security jobs, that if they have affairs they will spill the beans. Are men more prone to scream, "We're invading Iraq, next week!" than "I feel overwhelmed when we go antiquing!" in their most intimate moments? Now that the Cold War is over, have female spies joined the ranks of women muttering about their non-talking partners?
For the most part, women love to chew away on a problem, (not all, there are some silent ones) and can easily spend weeks analyzing family situations or love affairs. Men, on the other hand, often feel that once an issue has been discussed, there is no reason to dredge it up again. Tannen says for women, talk creates intimacy, but men are on their guard to protect themselves from being put down.
The truth is that until things change from the bottom up and we stop telling boys to suck it up, and not cry, the language of men and women is going to be a lot different. And while parents may be attempting that, many people just can't keep from criticizing when their sons cry. Even Alon Gratch admits in If Men Could Talk, to berating his son for crying during a soccer game, and then feeling badly about it. I figure if he is doing it, many parents probably need to look at how they are treating their sons.
What about grown males? Is it a lost cause? Tannen says women can educate men about what makes them feel better in the talking and listening department and some men may understand. But if they don't get it, it doesn't mean a failure of intimacy. Women may just have to look to other sources, like their girlfriends for the kind of conversation they need.
The other thing women may have to consider is, do we really want to know the answer to, "Do I look fat in this?"
LETTERS:
Ms Binks article again tells up implicitly that the
problems the the world of relationship are because men
are flawed, or that men have not been properly
educated from birth to be able to communicate with
women.
The overall problem, that men and women are finding it
more and more difficult to satisfy each others needs,
desires or expectations in relationship is very real.
Stuck between the increasing work pressures, social
pressures, changing values, changing roles and more,
we all are struggling to make it. It is certainly not
happening because men are flawed, or for that matter
that women are.
I am certain that neither men or women are any more
imperfect, the challenge remains.
John Gilbert | Thunder Bay
I agree with parts of this article but not with the main conclusion, which
assumes men are quieter because we've been censored and told to be quiet by
society. This assumes that we really want to talk as much as women, but have
been suppressed and are just keeping it all in against our genuine desire to
express ourselves. This is not true. Frankly, men just don't feel the need
to talk as much as women do. It's as simple as that. I've been married for
14 years and my wife and I have just come to terms with the fact that we
have different communication needs.
As you mentioned in your article, women can talk about an ongoing
relationship or love affair every day for weeks while a man feels that
there's no need to belabour an issue once it's been discussed. But just
because men don't feel the same need to talk, it's not an excuse to give
their wives the silent treatment. Every evening, I listen to my wife talk
about her day and then we discuss what needs to be done during the next day
or so. We talk about our kids every day so I know what's going on with them
while I'm not home. It takes about an hour or so, but after that she's
content to go ahead and do whatever she needs to do for the rest of the
evening. At the same time, she has realized that I can never be on exactly
the same wavelength she's on, so she shares her thoughts and feelings with
her mom and some other female friends as well.
I think husbands and wives can build better marriages if they just accept
that they're different, appreciate the differences and then work with the
differences rather than try to blame these differences on culture, society
or upbringing. Continued attempts to make people what they're not just
result in frustration. After all, a man could write an article entitled "If
Women Could Keep Quiet," explaining how women have been taught by society to
talk more and how we need to keep them quieter… because
then they would be more like men. But who wants men and women to be more
like each other? Vive la difference!
Rod Luden | Winnipeg
Again I admit I am disappointed by the lack of balance to the recent article in
your gender column entitled "If Men Could Talk." While I have absolutely no
objections to the points you raise, you fail to bring up the lessons that
growing girls may want to learn in order to communicate more effectively with
men.
A complaint that men often have of their female partners is that she doesn't say
entirely what she means. Men often feel as if they're being manipulated, or
forced to guess exactly what the message is. While it is certainly a fault that
a man considers a conversation over after its initial resolution, it is equally
the fault of the woman for agreeing that there is resolution even if she feels
there is none. Both genders have to learn to understand that the other has a
different method of communication, and neither is the "right" way.
It boils entirely down to respect. Men must realize that women need to know the
full story, and need to have an issue discussed from all angles in order to feel
that both partners have their full share of understanding. But equally, women
must realize that a man has a need to discuss the issue concretely, and will
rarely, if ever, "intuitively" understand the female perspective. A man will
never fully know a women's mind, and a woman will never fully know a man's.
Your suggestion that it will only take changes in male education and parenting
to enable meaningful communication between the sexes is, at best, offensive.
I suggest that in the future you please do one of the following: work to present
a more balanced view that attacks the issue directly from both sides, rename
your column "Women's Perspective" or hire a second, male correspondent, who can
provide the opposite viewpoint. I continue to feel that the male point of view
in your column is sorely lacking, or at least understated.
Thank you for your time,
Chris Gully | Ottawa
In her article, "If Men Could Talk," Georgie Binks makes the excellent point that men and women approach relationships in vastly different ways. It is true, in my opinion, that our culture trains men to hide emotion and not express it, especially to other men.
One factor that Georgie did not mention is the cultural nature of North American women to play the emotional silence game, as well. That is to say, that women will often choose to act unhappy or pouty when something is wrong with a relationship, expecting their mate to clue in to the signals and react. This method of asking for attention usually goes unnoticed by men, perhaps because when another man is pouty, men will leave that person alone to deal with the problem on his own. Further, this behaviour may tell a man that something is wrong, but then the game begins to discover what the problem is. Often, men are unwilling to go through this process, as it is emotionally draining and quite time consuming.
I was recently involved with a woman from South America and the difference in this particular behaviour was astounding. I discovered that I would always be told immediately when there was a problem that needed to be addressed. It was very refreshing as a man to always know where I stood. I was able to react based on what I was being told, rather than what I was supposed to clue in on. Communication became much clearer, as I felt that I was being engaged rather than manipulated.
While I agree that men need to be more open about their feelings with their partners, I believe the answer doesn't require that women "force or lure men into talking or listening." With any relationship, communication should be based on clear and mutually understandable signals. Men need to learn … women's subtle signals and women need to learn that blunt and clear words are the most effective with men.
Trevor | Edmonton
The article by Ms. Binks focuses on why men do not talk more, as if we are trying to avoid something. As she pointed out herself, men interact with each other by doing things together. We share experiences, rather than talk about them. She ignores the possibility that men do not talk as much as women because we do not get as much out of it, not because we are avoiding anything.
For men, talking does not feel as satisfying and hardly ever solves a problem.
I think a better question may be why women can't accept men for the way we are. Why are women always trying to change us? Men do not think women are perfect either. We gripe and joke about female idiosyncrasies, but do not write book after book on how women should change, how we can get women to talk less.
It's not true that men do not ask women what they do for a living because we are afraid of being harangued by a housewife. That's a ridiculous and obtuse observation. In fact, we do ask women what they do. The only time when such a question leads to discomfort is when a woman answers that she is a stay-at-home wife in such a way as if to say, "I don't work and so what."
Relationships can improve more easily if women accept men the way we are, rather than constantly trying to change us.
R.H.
After reading the excellent letters (all of them written by men) resulting from Ms.Bink's column "If Men Could Talk," I would like to commend the writer for achieving what many of us women have struggled with for years - getting the men in our lives to express themselves!
Andrea R. | Calgary
^TOP
|
|
 |
 MENU |
|
|
| ABOUT VIEWPOINT: |
Viewpoint is CBC.ca's place for informed opinion and commentary. Our goal is to provide a range of informed perspectives from around the world and here at home on issues of interest to Canadians. All material published in the Viewpoint section is subject to CBC’s journalistic policy, standards and practices.
Writing for Viewpoint
We accept queries from people with significant expertise in their field and previous writing experience. We are interested in domestic and international contributions. We do not accept unsolicited finished pieces.
If you want to contribute to Viewpoint, please send your query to letters@cbc.ca with VIEWPOINT in the subject line and please include three samples of your published work. Columns are typically 800 words in length and focus on timely issues, events or personal stories with wide appeal. Please familiarize yourself with our content before submitting your ideas. Only those accepted will be contacted.
|
|
| FEEDBACK: |
|
|
| BIOGRAPHY: |
GEORGIE BINKS
FREELANCE WRITER
Georgie Binks is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She writes for the Toronto Star and National Post, and has written for Chatelaine, Homemakers, Elle, Glow and Style at Home, as well as salon.com. Georgie is a former CBC radio and television reporter and editor. She has been a feminist since she wrote an essay in high school on "The Changing Role of Women in Society" at her mother's suggestion.
|
|
| MORE: |
|
|
|
