GEORGIE BINKS:
Christmas is a female thing
CBC News Viewpoint | December 3, 2003 | More from Georgie Binks
That time of year is upon us again, as any woman who took down the Halloween decorations a short time ago knows. Because right beside the box of pumpkin candles and skeletons, lies the one filled with fake wreaths and boxes of ornaments. It's at this exact moment women realize Christmas is approaching. For men, that same knowledge zooms in and whacks them in the face about December 18. They then hurry to the mall looking for inspiration.
I'm sure there are men who are searching the woodlands right now for just the perfect garland for the mantle, but they probably work on a decorating show. And, of course, the single dads who have the children full time are getting their hands sticky. But if you have a situation with a man and a woman, a woman is going to end up playing Santa, and the man will be the elf. The elf usually puts the lights up outside and carves the turkey. Santa does the rest.
While we could blame men for the fact that Christmas is a female thing, it really stems from a condition peculiar to women. I read about it years ago and it still rings true today.
An article entitled The Compassion Trap by Margaret Adams explained that women exist to serve others; that we need to provide compassion and understanding to other people all the time. Because of that, we don't communicate our own needs and feelings. Plainly put, if you have a table with men and women sitting at it, the men can outlast the women when it comes to clearing the dishes.
It's the same thing with Christmas. Men who notice Christmas a week before its arrival have outlasted the women, kind of like some sick poker game: the guys know when to hold 'em and we fold way too soon. Instead of trying to outlast a man who says, "But honey, do we really need to give your parents something? I mean they have everything," we trot out and buy the gift. Instead of giving ourselves a collective talking to, we start baking in September and buy presents all year long.
A woman I know refers to the syndrome as, "Mommies make the magic." And, yes, we do. It first appears in women when and if they have children. We are taught how to breastfeed and that we will need a stroller, but no one mentions, "By the way, you'll be doing Christmas, too."
The first couple of years it's thrilling to be the Santa for that little someone. I will never forget when my daughter was 1½ and I couldn't sleep the night before because I was so excited about a felt clock I'd made her for her wall. But as time marches on it becomes more difficult to find the living room furniture for the Barbie house or beat everyone else to the latest Sims computer game.
In fact, when I look back at the Christmas magic I have created, there seem to have been more disasters than successes. For instance, every year between the ages of two and 12 my daughter developed a fever by 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, which meant spending the evening at a walk-in clinic. I have served turkeys so dry people had to double their alcohol consumption just to swallow them (and, hopefully, forget them, too).
There are positive aspects to being responsible for Christmas, says Cathie Mostowyk, a shopping expert. She says it gives us control. If we do it all, we can decide what everyone is getting, eating, wearing, and what we're spending on it. It is that one thing that is our domain. And, as she wryly points out, we all know who's going to return the gifts so we might as well get it right the first time.
The problem is most women are so exhausted during and after Christmas that what should be a special time of year turns into a huge chore, but one we continue to repeat. More than one woman has said to another over the years, "Thank God it's over."
The best Christmas I ever spent was one in which I was sick and so were my kids. Instead of cooking a huge turkey dinner, we ordered pizza and had some friends who were Jewish over to share it. It was relaxing. I got to read my children's new books to them and we played some games before we all went to bed, warm and sick, at 8 o'clock.
Another great memory I shared with my daughter was the Christmas I was sitting with her at 2 in the morning giving her cough medicine, and we heard a noise on the roof. It honestly sounded like someone walking around up there, and to this day I have no explanation more reasonable than that it was Santa. That was magic and I had nothing to do with it.
I have always loved something Mark Twain wrote: "We are always too busy for our children; we never give them the time or interest they deserve. We lavish gifts upon them; but the most precious gift – our personal association which means so much to them – we give grudgingly."
It's one of the cruellest ironies for all us mommies who try to make magic: by being responsible for Christmas we deny our loved ones the one thing that really means something to them – our time.
Letters:
Why is it that women expect their husbands to mow the lawn, paint the
walls, fix everything, and do all the "grunt work", and yet say that
they never "help out" around the house? Men and women are not one in the
same. We have different capabilities, and should have different jobs.
Just because your man doesn't buy all the gifts doesn't mean he's not
doing anything. Can you honestly tell me you would gladly put up the
Christmas lights if he, like you, wanted out of his traditional holiday
job for once, rather than telling him that it's a man's job and he
should do it?
Elizabeth M | Toronto, Canada
I can appreciate your statement as one that is professional because you
cited the work by Margaret Adams. However I am unimpressed by the
perspectives involved in your article. The pressures of the female
perspective at Christmas could largely be compared by pressures of the
Male perspective. Christmas is a time at which there are the added
financial burdens of gift giving and, as the role of provider (and I think
it is fair to associate such a role to the male perspective if you are to
associate a more domestic role - wanted or unwanted - to women), men are
under the added pressure of assuring there is money to put gifts under the
tree and a turkey on the table. Your narrow-minded and biased perspective
on the issue I think misses the point, although I do not disagree with
what you have said.
Sean Kennedy | Kingston, Ontario
I'm really tired of this - the constant complaining by women about being
compelled to take full responsibility to do everything for home and family
while men do next to nothing. There are men out there who do laundry and
dishes, decorate the Christmas tree, plan and prepare meals, change diapers
and help with homework without being told or reminded, for the same reasons
that we women do these things. I know, I live with one of them. And I
think it's awful to keep lumping them into your couch-potato, lazy, macho
stereotype.
You're constantly whining about the image that the media creates for women.
What about the image of men that you're portraying right here? Any man who
cares about having a nicely decorated home for the holidays probably works
on a decorating show?! Shame on you. So any woman who pumps her own gas or
can fix a leaky faucet is in your eyes less feminine than other women?
How do you think a man feels after years of doing dishes and making meals
for his children having to listen to his daughter respond to a TV program
with "yeah, like a man would clear the dinner table"! She sees him do it
constantly, but she's been fed so much stereotypical garbage, she can't even
see what's right in front of her. It reminds me of the story I heard back
in the 70's about the ten year old boy arguing that a woman couldn't be a
doctor yet his own mother was a surgeon.
Remember, be careful what you wish for. How many female egos would be
crushed out there if their toddler fell down and went running to Daddy
instead of Mommy for comfort? How many women would be embarrassed if the
talk around the holiday table this year was "Wow Dad, this is the best
turkey we ever had"? It seems to me that many women are happy to have men
'help out' at home, but they aren't willing to hand over the reins. Sounds
a little too much like the men who are fine with women at the office, just
as long as they don't have to work for one.
My suggestion is that if you're the only one who's making Christmas 'magic'
in your home, then either stop whining and just do it happily because it's
something that's important to you and you love it, or stop doing it.
Kathryn Atherton | Guelph, Ontario
Too true, too true, I can't tell you how I dread Christmas day! It's the most
labour and stress intensive time of the year! I spend all day in the kitchen,
cooking, preparing, organizing only to have the males in the family waltz in
once in a while to refresh their drink and say, "isn't this great?" When's
dinner ready?
Louise D'Anjou | Ottawa, ON
Once again, Georgie has succeeded in wide spread generalization, and not
much else. Of the countless articles of hers that I have read, each is
biased and related only to her point of view, rather than fact.
While many points that she raises are most assuredly true, she gives no
indication that she has used any research or empirical data to prove her
points. In other words, she relies heavily on stereotypes and
generalizations, that appear to be skimmed off the top of her head.
Georgie, if you wish to be taken more seriously, particularly by your male
counterparts (whom are generally the target of your articles), try putting
your money where your mouth is. Its not enough to simply state what it is
you think, particularly when the opinion is biased. There must be some
basis of fact.
James Jesso | Fredericton, NB
If it were not for women we would not have the big celebration thing to
perform every year.
If left to men Christmas wouldn't happen and few men would be miss it.
The dinner, the shopping the gift giving all would be free of it.
Anything women suffer from the Christmas season's preparation and
festivities and is self inflicted.
I could care less for the extravagant hoopla. If you feel burdened by it
why celebrate it? I went for 13 years without the slightest
acknowledgment of Christmas. I do now to some extent only because of a
woman's desire to celebrate it.
Paul Heglund | Consul, Saskatchewan
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GEORGIE BINKS
FREELANCE WRITER
Georgie Binks is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She writes for the Toronto Star and National Post, and has written for Chatelaine, Homemakers, Elle, Glow and Style at Home, as well as salon.com. Georgie is a former CBC radio and television reporter and editor. She has been a feminist since she wrote an essay in high school on "The Changing Role of Women in Society" at her mother's suggestion.
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