GEORGIE BINKS:
Female Viagra found in woman's cleaning closet
CBC News Viewpoint | October 20, 2003 | More from Georgie Binks
A couple of weeks ago, there was a big announcement that researchers had come up with a new treatment for erectile dysfunction in men. Called Cialis, it allows the pill-taker to be able to perform for up to 36 hours after taking it. When I mentioned it to a couple of female friends, their reaction was unanimous.
"Who has time to deal with a man in the mood for 36 hours?" (Actually, they didn't say it quite that politely, but I have to.) In fact, most considered the idea of a man who was ready and willing for action for that amount of time (unless a lot of yard work was involved) a liability not an asset.
It's not that any of these women don't enjoy sex. They do. It's just that for most women I know, trying to fit in when to do the laundry with, say, getting that report off to the boss – or if they are the boss, getting the reports out of the employees – there is little time left to think about sex and less to do it.
I did a search on the Internet on "female Viagra" and came up with an article that confirmed what I had learned after researching articles over the years for various women's and family magazines. It said that 43 per cent of women in the United States suffer some type of sexual dysfunction (about the same stats as in Canada), but that the problem was rarely physical.
Rather it was psychological, triggered by everything from family concerns, financial or job worries, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children to fatigue and depression.
It took me back to an article I wrote about keeping sex alive in your
marriage once children arrived. Dr. Pierre Assalian, the director of the human sexuality unit of the Montreal General Hospital, explained to me an exhausted woman was not going to be a responsive one.
Any new mother doing the dishes, putting the kids to bed and wrestling three loads of laundry single-handedly would not be in the mood. Dr. Assalian suggested men had to pitch in – and in a big way. He told me, "If a man shares the workload with her, his wife will be intimate with him as a gesture of love. But if he sits there and does nothing and then complains she doesn't love him, she has an idiot for a husband."
In other words, it didn't really matter what a man's window of opportunity was if his partner's window was shut. Or busy doing something else. Maybe it even had a headache. Dr. Assalian told me that many people blamed children for the demise of their sex lives but, in fact, the kids had simply heralded the arrival of a new job, one that both partners needed to do.
Another article I wrote looked at who had more sex, women in the work force, or women at home. You guessed it: women at home. The reason boiled down to one thing. Woman after woman that I interviewed told me they needed to get the laundry done. Those at home with kids could throw in a couple of loads a day, while women who arrived home at 6 at night were just starting to sort the lights from the darks.
I've been talking about time considerations so far, but the resentment
factor is the other key. One woman told me, "It's bad enough if I'm doing everything. I won't have time to be romantic. But if I have to look at him sitting over at the TV doing nothing, then I just resent him big-time."
Sally Breen, a Vancouver sexuality counsellor, agreed that was a big factor. She said women working outside of the home had limited time, and resentment piled up, so that when men made an advance, women spurned it preferring to be on their own.
Another therapist told me that sometimes, people figured a weekend away without the kids would fix things. She said that was fine if all you wanted was to have sex once a year.
I have a male friend who tells me that he empties the dishwasher and drives the kids to soccer to help out his wife who works full time as a teacher and is frequently on her own while he travels. He can't figure out why she isn't in the mood more.
I asked him if he'd ever figured out the meals for a week, then done up the grocery list and gone out and purchased it. Or had he ever organized his two children's activities for the fall, co-ordinated the driving for it, purchased the necessary equipment and then had at least one child decide he wasn't going to do karate, and the son of one of the carpool drivers break a leg.
Funny how that kind of a thing, can kill desire in even the most motivated
woman.
Now, I know there are men who share the responsibilities and many of them are smiling right now. For a good reason. Then there are others who run in, empty the dishwasher and figure they've done their bit. That unfortunately is the equivalent of the cheap bunch of carnations picked up on the way home from the store. And most women see through it.
The thing is, guys, there is a female Viagra. It's already been invented. Your competition is a bald man with an earring and big muscles sitting in a pail in a closet. Pour some in a bucket, add hot water, and keep using it over and over. You'll be surprised with the results. And you don't need a prescription.
Letters:
After reading your article on "Female Viagra found in woman's cleaning
closet" I noticed most of the letters from readers were men, allot of angry
men. It is to bad that men cannot understand that life is that simple.
Getting yourself up and to work everyday is not helping the family. Making
breakfast for the kids, while their wife is upstairs struggling to get the
kids ready for school could change their evening completely. So many men
complaining about their sex lives at home, so many men straying from their
wives. If men want attention at home they have to earn it like everyone
else. Barking orders at the kids while they put their "Homer Simpson" hole
in the couch is not enough. My husband feels that doing the dishes earns
him a night of romance. You had better bet I get on that phone at night and
talk to somebody for a couple of hours, at least until my husbands asleep.
That's to much pressure and it just adds to the resentment. Men need to
learn that life is not about them and their desires. I think men are one of
the most selfish species that their is. Who else is jealous of their own
children.
Pick up a vacuum, clean up the back yard, do some dishes, bath the kids, do
something and their will be great changes in your life.
Liz Doede
I found Georgie Binks column regarding female to be
most objectionable. Why? Simply because it didn't deal with
equality of gender but rather with the laziness of a
so-called partnership.
I have been an feminist (sometimes proactive) since reading
Gloria Steinham some 30 years ago and what Ms Binks is
writing about has nothing to do with equality of gender
because I can state that just as many women perform as badly
in a relationship as men. Perhaps Ms Binks should conduct a
poll on that side of the fence to find out the facts. Men
generally take on as much in a relationship as women but one
also has to consider the weight of that.
Today, the working couple is the norm; that is a fact. It
is also a fact that men are equally involved in their
children's lives as the wife, and often times more so where
athletics are concerned. To think otherwise is folly. Men
also are active in the household chores. I think Ms. Binks
confuses the internet stereotypical male who has a death
grip on the remote with reality.
In my family and extended family as well as my friends, the
men share in laundry, cooking, cleaning, banking, childcare
etc. What we don't see is our wives out cutting lawns,
shovelling snow, swinging paint brushes at the top of an
extension ladder, reshingling the house among other things.
I think as a journalist, Ms. Binks owes it to herself and
her readers to look at all of the picture, not just one side
and with narrowed eyes.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have to change the washing
loads.
Harold Hotham
London, Ontario
I am appalled that Georgie Binks with her outright sexist blatherings has a place on the publicly funded CBC.
I took one of her recent web articles and reversed the gender of every word and suddenly I had a very vile, woman hating document that would be banned from all publications today.
Ms. Binks lives in a dream world and has found out that her entire life has been spent living in the past. While the rest of civilization copes with raising families and trys to get along she is fanning the flames with feminist / terrorist propaganda.
Roy Sutton
Belleville, Ontario
There is often confusion about what Viagra does. Ms. Banks has confused
erectile dysfunction relief with aphrodisiacs. Should an aphrodisiac exist,
its role would be to induce a state of sexual excitement and desire. Viagra
does no such thing. Viagra enables erection only when the male is already in
an excited state, Viagra cannot and does not induce sexual desire, it only
enables performance once the male is in that state.
This may seem to be a trivial distinction, however in my discussions with
others it is mostly women who confuse these two issues.
Viagra does nothing for an unexcited man.
Doug Richardson
Regina, Saskatchewan
I'm in danger of biting off my tongue in an effort to quell my cry of frustration. I keep asking myself what kind of world Georgie and her friends live in, where men are so completely useless around the home. Is it that these unlucky women are the only ones who are vocal and the lucky ones remain quite, making no attempt to dispel unfair generalizations? How come I never read about the good stories, in which men treat their wives like queens, are model fathers, and know how to sort, wash and fold laundry?
Take the arrangement I have with my wife. She does provide 70 percent of the child care in our relationship and does about 75 percent of the cooking and laundry. However, she gets to sleep in everyday (that's seven days a week, including holidays and father's day) while I get up to feed and change the baby. The coffee is always made by the time she gets up and on weekends, the pancakes are usually done too. I do the groceries 60 percent of the time, all of the yard work (including extensive gardening), extensive home repairs/renovations and take over the child care at 4 o'clock every afternoon. I also work from home, so when she needs a hand, I'm there even though it means I may have to stay up to midnight to catch up on work. Did I mention I also do all of the banking and provide 100 percent of the care for our dog? Oh, and I find time to sneak out and buy her gift certificates for 2 hours of massage once in a while because I know she likes them.
I have been exhausted for the last three years and I know at least three other men in the same boat for the same reason: we are excellent husbands, brilliant fathers and in love with our families. But thanks to articles such as yours we just feel like we are trying to distinguish ourselves from sexual stereotypes. We are not smiling through a haze of sexual satisfaction as we read your article. Our wives don't bed us every night because we are such wonderful guys. Mind you, they'd like to, but we are just too damn tired.
Tim Dykeman
A Good, But Exhausted, Husband
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GEORGIE BINKS
FREELANCE WRITER
Georgie Binks is a freelance writer living in Toronto. She writes for the Toronto Star and National Post, and has written for Chatelaine, Homemakers, Elle, Glow and Style at Home, as well as salon.com. Georgie is a former CBC radio and television reporter and editor. She has been a feminist since she wrote an essay in high school on "The Changing Role of Women in Society" at her mother's suggestion.
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