Melanie Barwick

If you've been watching or reading the news of late, you may have happened upon the tawdry details of Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce. That the marriage was dissolving and that it would be messy is old news. Now, it seems, the focus is on their children, specifically the 12 conditions set by Madonna in an effort to control their environment when they are with their father.

It seems that having the means to access the best experts does not deter from dragging children into the fray. And so, I thought it was time for a "do's and don'ts" list for keeping your children out of harm's way during separation and divorce. Let's go through some of her conditions to highlight why these parenting behaviours are not only hurtful to children in a divorce situation and thereafter, but are also poor parenting strategies overall.

Under no circumstances should they be allowed to read newspapers, magazines, or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs.

These boys are aged 8 and 3, so reading the newspaper is an unlikely activity. Ditto — magazines that are not aimed at the under 10 crowd. Watching TV is a personal decision, and allowing access to TV programming for children is likewise an informed decision parents need to make.

Television and media in general are not the only means by which children learn about their world. Storytelling, conversation, schooling, observation and life experience are essential elements. Yet the risk here is that these children may grow up unaware of current events, their world, and many entertaining movies and programs that are age appropriate, stimulate imagination, and grow the mind. Note the hypocrisy of denying your children access to an industry in which both parents make a living — oh, wait a minute — TV and movies are out, music is not. Sorry Guy.

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain man-made fibres.

This may be a good environmental decision, but it's extremely restrictive. (Good thing they have boys because that restriction won't go far with a 12-year-old girl — I wonder how Lourdes handles this one.) While the controls imposed by parents may be set with the children's best interests at heart — eat the right food, do their homework, go to bed on time — over-controlling can backfire and prevent kids from becoming self-sufficient and confident. How do you know if you're over-controlling? Typical signs are power struggles, rebelliousness, lack of self-confidence, and inability to make decisions on their own.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spay if they are in public places.

Here's a condition not supported by science. Many scientists believe our children are too clean, placing them at risk for viral infections over their lifespan. According to the Environmental Literacy Council, there are more micro-organisms in your body than there are people on Earth! We spend millions of dollars each year on antibacterial soaps and antibiotics to fend off germs, but micro-organisms play an essential role in human health. Bacteria, for example, play an important role in digestion, helping to synthesize certain vitamins and absorb certain nutrients. Some also help to prevent other, more harmful bacteria from invading the intestines or other areas of the body. Yes, you can be too clean for your own good.

They should not be bought toys which are spiritually or ethically unsound. At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

Not sure what Madonna considers spiritually or ethically sound, but I'm all for positive, pro-social toys that stimulate the mind and the imagination. Nevertheless, you can only control so much without developing resentment, negative behaviour, and stifling the natural tendency for exploration that is so essential to normal growth and development.

Reading mum's stories at bedtime, while a lovely thing to do, is perhaps something best done by Madonna herself. This is simply too dictatorial and limits her children's access to the wonderful world of children's literature. Reading to children is a wonderful bonding opportunity. All forms of play are critical to development, providing the building blocks of cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being.

While it is every parent's prerogative to make decisions about what toys are appropriate for their children, it is important to offer a range of play opportunities and objects that can stimulate ideas and creativity, relationships, physical co-ordination and feelings.

Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

The information given to children about your divorce should be first and foremost developmentally appropriate and honest. If possible, both parents should break the news to the kids in a peaceful and non-blaming manner after first deciding together what to say; keep in mind that the conversation is not about who is at fault. You may not agree on the reasons, but you can agree on what your children should be told. Aim for a non-blaming statement like "Mommy and Daddy don't want to live together anymore, but we both love you and want to be with you."

If you need help deciding what to say to your children, talk things over with your religious adviser or a mental health professional, or visit the many reputable resources in print and on the web. Allow the information to sink in, comfort and reassure them, and answer their questions. Children of many ages assume wrongfully that they are the cause of their parents' marital problems and feel fearful, insecure, and anxious. Give them as much time as they need; they'll move on to another activity when they're ready to think things over on their own.

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three to four times a day at times set by her.

For young children who may experience varying degrees of separation anxiety when away from a primary caregiver, this behaviour signals a parent's own anxiety and control and may in fact increase anxiety and sadness in kids rather than hinder it. Kids should be told that they can speak to their "away" parent whenever they choose and the timing should arise naturally rather than according to schedule. Restricting access is hurtful and controlling to all involved, and sets up a passive-aggressive situation that will not likely be tolerated. That said, kids also need to learn that they can be away from a loved one for a period of time and that they will still be okay. This is an important developmental process of separation and individuation, and in the early years teaches kids that they can explore the world in relative confidence, secure in the knowledge that their "secure base" — mommy or daddy — is away only for a short time and will return.

The boys should not be introduced to any of Guy's new friends, especially any new female friends he has attracted since the separation.

Both parents need to consider the impact post-divorce dating will have on their kids. Many kids become anxious when their parents begin to date and will need reassurance that their relationship with you will not change. Kids need to feel that they are the priority in their parents' lives, and this cannot be superceded by a new "friend." A good rule of thumb is to allow them to express their feelings, even their negative ones, and to respond in a reassuring and positive manner. Make sure that your dating doesn't interfere with their lives, their routine, or visitation with the other parent.

Divorce is stressful and places huge emotional demands on all family members. Very simply, three factors help children of all ages adjust to separation and divorce:

• Having a strong relationship with both parents.
• Good parenting.
• Minimal exposure to conflict — this includes passive-aggressive behaviours that express anger and contempt used to control or undermine the other parent.

While these can be challenging goals to meet, there are many counselling resources and books available on the topic to help when you're stuck. Overall, be consistent, be loving, and reassure them that their needs will be met. Courage, wisdom, and a balanced sense of fair play will also take you far on the road to recovery.