Curtis Bonnell told police he was "a monster" on the day his 16-year-old cousin Hilary Bonnell went missing.
He didn't choke her, hack her up or unclothe her, he said on Nov. 9, 2009, after leading police to a remote wooded area near Tabusintac, where they later discovered Hilary's buried body.
He couldn't remember how she died, he said during the videotaped police statement, which was played Monday for the jury at his first-degree murder trial.
He didn't remember much about Sept. 5, 2009, because he had taken cocaine and drank a lot that day, he said through sobs.
But Hilary died quickly, he said, adding he thought she died in the woods.
Bonnell, 32, of the Esgenoopetitj First Nation in northeastern New Brunswick, is accused of holding Hilary against her will, sexually assaulting her and killing her.
The Crown alleges Bonnell picked up Hilary on Sept. 5, 2009, as she was walking along Micmac Road in the northeastern community after a party.
"I know the truth," Bonnell told RCMP Sgt. Greg Lupson, who was a corporal at the time.
"If you want to hear details, I'll say it."
"You took a life," said Lupson.
"Yes, an innocent life," Bonnell replied.
He said Hilary flagged him down while he was driving. She had been drinking, he said. "That's all I remember. We went to the woods I guess."
Bonnell said he went "overboard" that day; that he had "hated the world again."
Later on in his statement, he told the officer that he and Hilary had stopped at his house for drinks.
Although he admitted he had subsequently cleaned his truck, there was no blood found in the truck.
He took police to Hilary's body for himself; to bring him closure and to get the respect that he wanted, he said.
'My life is lost. This is horrific'
Asked if he felt happy, Bonnell said he felt relieved. "Maybe I can sleep tonight. I don't have to drug myself to sleep.
"My life is lost. This is horrific. I can't even look at my son's picture," Bonnell said.
He cried when talking about his father. He said he didn't want to drag his family into the matter and wanted to tell his father that he was sorry and that he still loved him.
Later that night, Bonnell's father, Christopher Bonnell, visited him in his cell, which was also taped and played for the jury.
"Tell me you didn't do what I think you did? How could you do something like that? Why didn't you tell me the truth?" his father asked as Bonnell cried.
"Dad I’m so sorry, I wanted to tell you so much every day. I never wanted to break your heart," Bonnell replied.
'I believe in my heart I don't deserve a life out there (as a free man) for doing such a bad thing.' —Curtis Bonnell
He said he didn't want his father to be implicated. "I was hiding it from, not just you, from everybody. I couldn't carry on like this anymore," Bonnell said. He was burned out, he said.
"I asked you so many times. How could you lie to me?" his father asked. "[It]
took so long for you to say this. We all got together and said 'He couldn't do this, no way.' I can't believe you did this."
"I can't believe it either," Bonnell replied.
"These guys (the RCMP) have nothing on me," Bonnell said. "I gave myself up for her (Hilary). I owe her my life," he said.
"Well, you took hers," his father said.
"I believe in my heart I don't deserve a life out there (as a free man) for doing such a bad thing," Bonnell said.
After the intense and emotional exchange captured, his father left and Bonnell was seen sobbing alone in his cell for several minutes.
It could take the full week to watch the remaining videos of Lupson's interviews with Bonnell.
Lupson, a 20-year member of the RCMP, was the primary investigator in the Hilary Bonnell disappearance.
Hilary's body was discovered in a wooded area near Tracadie-Sheila after more than two months of searching.
Curtis Bonnell was charged with first-degree murder in December 2009.
His trial started on Sept. 17 and it is expected to last up to eight weeks.