There are some constants in the universe — the sun rises in the east, the 403 is an overcrowded hellscape during rush hour, and someone in Hamilton's seedy underbelly can be counted on to do some really questionable things each year.
In the spirit of looking back on the year that was, CBC Hamilton has compiled a list of some of the weirdest crime stories in the city in 2017. Have a read, and marvel at some of the things that actually happened this year.
Hamilton man shoots himself with a crossbow
Note to self: If you purchase a crossbow, make sure you don't shoot yourself with it.
And if you do — don't then lie to the cops about what happened.
It happened back one night in October, when a man called police and said he'd been shot in the leg with an arrow. When officers got there, they found he was "uncooperative."
After some investigating, they were confident the man had somehow managed to shoot himself. "We determined he was the author of his own misfortune," Const. Jerome Stewart said at the time.
A 49-year-old Hamilton man was taken to hospital to be treated for non-life threatening injuries. Stewart couldn't say if alcohol was a factor.
61-year-old man arrested after Dolly Parton disguise robbery
As disguises go, this is a bit of an odd choice.
Rather than opt for a ski mask, police allege that back in October, a man wearing a Dolly Parton-style blonde wig and mini skirt held up a Dundas convenience store.
Unlike Parton (who tends to stick to churning out country hits) this guy used an edged weapon to steal smokes, police say.
He was later arrested and charged with robbery and "disguise with intent."
Hamilton man arrested after bragging about robbery and waving cash around
Humility is definitely a virtue.
This one happened back in June. Police say a man ran into a gas bar brandishing a deadbolt lock and demanding cash.
Witnesses in the area told police they saw the man leaving the store and "bragging about the robbery" while waving around the money he had snatched.
Officers and police dogs searched the area and found him not long after.
Thieves steal $45K worth of lettuce
This year, it was lettuce. Police say someone nabbed a refrigeration trailer with the greenery stashed inside back in April.
The cops urged people to "romaine calm" and "lettuce know if you have any tips."
Sadly, bad puns are not a crime.
Brantford TV thief robbed of stolen TV
Who says there's honour among thieves?
Police reported back in July that a man ended up in a parking lot shoving match trying to protect a TV that he had stolen moments before from being stolen a second time.
The man allegedly wheeled a 40-inch TV out of a store in Brantford, and when he left it unattended for a few minutes, another man who was driving by saw it, stopped, and started to put it in his car.
The first man then ran back and things escalated — to the point that one of the two showed the other a gun he had holstered on his hip in an effort to get him to back off.
Police eventually found the stolen TV in a nearby backyard, where the first man had been hiding out, waiting for a cab to come pick him up. By that time, the man was nowhere to be found.
Thieves steal city truck then stop to watch Grey Cup, get arrested
One would think there would be more urgency if you were driving around in a stolen city truck with a GPS on it.
Police say that in November, officers were called about a break and enter at the Glanbrook Township Roads department. Allegedly, two men smashed out a window and stole tools from the stockroom, and then took off in a stolen City of Hamilton truck.
They found the pair at the Checkered Flag Bar and Grill in Mount Hope, watching the Grey Cup.
They were then promptly arrested.