We’re all going to die.

Okay, maybe not all of us — but according to an analysis from one blogger, Hamilton is woefully unprepared to survive an onslaught of the living dead. University of Alberta engineering graduate Michael Ross predicts Hamilton is the third least likely Canadian city to survive a zombie apocalypse. Only Toronto and Windsor fared worse. That's some consolation.

“Seeing as the zombie apocalypse is clearly unavoidable, it's important to plan ahead and learn where to be when it hits,” Ross writes. Apparently where you want to be isn’t southern Ontario.

Ross analyzed six factors to create his ranking system:

  • Distance to closest military base: The cities closest to military bases are definitely more likely to handle their respective undead uprisings.
  • Average temperature: Because cold zombies are slower zombies.
  • Population density: Too many people in an enclosed space means certain doom. Stay out of cities!
  • Obesity Rates: If you’re morbidly obese, chances are you’re going to have a tough time escaping a horde of flesh eating monsters. And all that fat probably makes you more delicious.
  • Physical Activity: Runners, rejoice. The more fleet-footed of us who can escape the shambling horde also makes for fewer zombies down the line, which is a bonus no matter how you look at it.
  • Gun Ownership: Popular wisdom dictates that the more guns you have, the better off you’ll be when taking down the undead — though a big, honkin’ bat with a nail driven through it works well, too.

Ross amassed all the data for his “study” in just a couple of hours using Statistics Canada tables. “It was just a matter of finding the right parameters,” he said. “Hamilton, along with most of southern Ontario, ended up not scoring too well.”

According to Ross’ analysis, Hamilton had the second highest obesity rates of the 20 cities he examined. Southern Ontario also had relatively few gun licenses per capita, and is pretty warm, by Canadian standards.

“In a hypothetical zombie outbreak, that wouldn’t go too well,” he said. “You’re also probably going to want to get out of the downtown core.” You'd probably be better off in Waterdown than standing at the corner of King and James should your fellow humans start chowing down on each other.

Ross didn’t, however, factor smaller military outposts into his calculations. That means the armoury on James Street North was overlooked. That might help our chances.

At least we hope so.

Canadian Cities Likely to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse