Warning: The following story contains graphic descriptions of violence.
The first time Mark Lindsay attacked his girlfriend he used a paring knife and stabbed her in the head.
The next time he decided to hurt Dana Turner he killed her.
Both times the son of the former Edmonton police chief says he wanted to stop himself, but wasn't able to.
Lindsay is now charged with second-degree murder.
Over the course of two days a rambling, disturbing, and at times, shocking five-and-a-half-hour confession tape has been played in court.
The 29-year-old was interviewed at length in March 2012 by RCMP Cpl. James Morton.
Lindsay described meeting Turner at Alberta Hospital when they were both psychiatric patients. He made it sound like love at first sight.
"She told me she was born to meet me," he said. "Born to be with me. As if she's my soul mate or something."
The diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic said even though he cared about Turner, he also feared her. Lindsay was convinced the 31-year-old mother of three practiced witchcraft, and that she was part of a group he called the Healers. He believed the Healers were determined to kill him.
The relationship continued after they were both released from hospital. Lindsay said one night they were at his apartment, doing drugs. After they had sex, he thought Turner "was being kind of scary."
"I thought I had to kill her because I knew what was coming up," he said.
Lindsay stabbed her with a paring knife, then said he began to cry. He claimed he helped her wipe the blood away. Later when he was serving a 50-day jail sentence for assault, he worried he might have killed her. He told the corporal he regretted his actions.
The couple didn't learn their lesson.
They met up again the day after Lindsay was released from jail, even though he said, "I knew she wanted to kill me as soon as I got out of jail. She did not forgive me for what had happened with the knife."
The couple spent two drug-fuelled days using a west Edmonton hotel as their base of operations.
In the wee hours of an August 2011 morning, the couple got something to eat at McDonald's. Turner drove them to a quiet residential location and they parked and smoked crack cocaine. Lindsay was armed with a pencil. He began to think Turner was talking to someone else in the car. Talking about "how she wanted to kill me and everybody on the list."
"As far as I was concerned, I was innocent and did not deserve what I was going through," he told the RCMP officer.
'Ended up panicking'
So Lindsay attacked Turner.
"I ended up panicking and I pulled that pencil out of my pocket and I stuck it in her eye socket," he said. "Because I didn't know what else to do to save my life."
The pencil broke, he explained, "and I ended up having to strangle her."
Lindsay began to cry in the prisoner's box watching himself on the TV screen.
The victim's father started to sob quietly in the courtroom as he imagined the final few terrifying moments of the young mother's life.
Lindsay's voice broke on the tape as he said, "I feel bad at this point just thinking about it.
"She was screaming and I wanted to stop and I was scared. I wanted to stop and help her out. I wanted to fix her eye.
"And I couldn't stop. I apologize for that."
Lindsay pushed his girlfriend's body into the back seat of the car. He was worried she might still come back to life and somehow hurt him.
He said he was afraid Turner would pull "some kind of crazy witchcraft stuff." He confessed, "That's the look I saw in her eye before she passed. It really scared me, and haunts me to this day."
To stop a return from the dead, Lindsay went to an abandoned site in St. Albert and drove over her body twice.
Didn't want to get killed
"I was really thorough," he said. "I was trying really hard to make sure I didn't get killed."
On the tape, he began to refer to his victim as "it." Lindsay says he purchased a sleeping bag "so I didn't have to touch it." He admits he drove all over the city with the corpse covered up in the back seat. He stopped at A&W to get something to eat. He even dropped by his father's home to gather some belongings, but left the car down the street.
Lindsay wanted to find somewhere to dispose of the body. He eventually found a remote gravel road west of Innisfail.
He told Cpl. Morton, "I dragged it on a blanket. Before I dragged it by the ankles and disgusted myself. It changed me forever."
During the lengthy interview with RCMP, Lindsay said he felt better for confessing.
"It's been trapped inside of me for a long time. It's exciting that I can get it off my chest.
"It's difficult for me to talk about. Because I'm ashamed of myself," he said.
Lindsay told the corporal he wanted to apologize to Turner's family. Later, he said he even wanted to write them a letter expressing his remorse.
Outside court, Turner's mother, Wendy Yurko, said she has never received an apology and would reject one if it was ever offered.
The trial continues Thursday in Red Deer as a psychiatrist testifies about Lindsay's mental condition for the defence.