I recently learned a new word: "frienemy." A frienemy is a "toxic" person who poses as a friend but secretly wishes you harm. Frienemies represent the push and pull between love and hate and, for most women, are something we have learned to contend with at some point or other.

Our introduction to the trials and tribulations of female relationships begins in the later years of elementary school and perhaps more commonly in the middle-school years. Who among us has not felt the bewilderment and potpourri of emotional upheaval when we are suddenly the brunt of a catty joke from a supposed friend or the target of gossip or sarcasm from the resident bully masking as the "popular" girl?

Bullying has captured a greater spotlight nationally in terms of prevention and research in the last decade, and many schools address bullying in their school policies and curricula. Girls can be bullies, too, and their behaviour often differs from what we might usually associate with bully behaviour. Bully behaviour is not always obvious, as often girls will be bullied by their "friends." Bullying is about power and creating a power differential. Your daughter has every right to fight back and assert her own power (see the suggestions below).

Bullying is a relationship problem

The Promoting Relationships and Eliminating Violence Networkis a coalition of Canadians concerned about bullying. The primary goal of PREVNet is to translate and exchange knowledge about bullying to enhance awareness, provide assessment and intervention tools and promote policy related to the problems of bullying. PREVNet describes bullying as "a form of abuse at the hands of peers that can take different forms at different ages" and "repeated aggression in which there is an imbalance of power between the child who bullies and the child who is victimized."

The PREVNet website goes on to say that research indicates that bullying is a problem of disrespectful relationships:

"Children who bully are learning to use power and aggression to control and distress others. Children who are victimized become increasingly powerless and find themselves trapped in relationships in which they are being abused," it says.

There are many forms of bullying: verbal, physical, sexual and electronic or cyber bullying, some of which can have racial, religious, disability-based or other discriminatory aspects. With girls in particular, we often see "social" bullying: which PREVNet describes as "rolling your eyes or turning away from someone, excluding others from the group, gossiping or spreading rumours, setting others up to look foolish and damaging friendships."

Bullying is quite common. Statistics from a 2004 study referenced on the PREVNet site indicate that approximately 12 per cent of girls and 18 per cent of boys reported bullying others at least twice in the months previous to when the survey was taken whereas 15 per cent of girls and 18 per cent of boys reported being victimized at least twice over the same time period. In a classroom of 35 students, this means that between 4 and 6 children are bullying and/or are being bullied.

As parents, we cannot fully protect our daughters from the onslaught of nastiness that can arise among girlhood friendships; this appears to be a right of passage of sorts as we make our way from girlhood to adolescence and adulthood. Girls must find their way in friendships and hopefully build a combination of social skills that promote positive friendships and guard against toxic ones. To some extent, parents will model this behavior for their children based on the friendships they themselves form and the behaviour they display with their friends. Your daughter's social skills will also be influenced by her sibling relationships, her sense of humour and other personality traits and can also be shaped in part by any language, learning, behavioral or social difficulties that she may be dealing with on a daily or lifelong basis.

Tips for maintaining healthy friendships

We can all hope to attain the sort of parent-child relationships that encourage open communication and trust, where your daughter will feel comfortable talking about her friendships as she experiences them. It is possible to provide supportive reassurance about the difficulties she is facing or will face in certain friendships, and it will likely be helpful and encouraging for her to learn that we have all experienced similar situations and learned from them. Here are some other lessons and discussion topics that can help your daughter stay clear of harmful friendships.

• Friendships are founded on respect. Your daughter should understand that this means resisting the temptation to talk about a friend behind her back, even if she is feeling frustrated, angry or jealous.

• The concept of being "best friends" with someone is a dynamic one; you may not feel or behave like best friends each and every day, and this is normal.

• Most girls feel left out at one time or another. Feeling this isn't necessarily due to your friends shutting you out or ignoring you; they may simply be enjoying other friendships. More importantly, these feelings are temporary, as new friendships will come in time.

• Everyone needs to learn to handle jealousy. Teach your daughter that it's okay to admit her feelings and that she can feel jealous and wish her friend(s) the best at the same time. Remind her that for every other kid who has more than her, there are plenty of kids who have less.

• Help your daughter to identify the difference between things her friends may have that she wants versus things she needs. At the same time, pointing out her strengths will let her know that she has a lot going for her and needn't focus on material things so much.

• All friendships have their ups and downs, and your daughter needs to appreciate that this is entirely normal. Hitting a tough time in a friendship is a good time for your daughter to evaluate how she handles controversy: does she push back, walk away or not react at all? We all have to find a balance between letting our friends know how we feel, knowing to think through our feelings and options before we react, avoiding the urge to gossip about tough times and learning how to communicate in an honest and sensitive manner.

• When your daughter has had a misunderstanding with a friend, help her to think through what she would like to say to her friend and to figure out the right time and the right quiet, private place for a chat. She should think through what she hopes to accomplish. Is she in need of an explanation? Does she wish to apologize? Or does she need to explain her behaviour?

• Lastly, girlhood friendships can be exceedingly fickle, and this is tough going during a time when a lot of changes are happening in your daughter's life. In these instances, it's best not to behave in an angry or spiteful manner or to fall apart in tears — easier said than done, I know! It is better for her to tell her friend that she would like to preserve their friendship and that she doesn't feel good about her friend's behaviour.

Dr. Melanie Barwick is a registered psychologist with a primary role as a health systems scientist in the Community Health Systems Resource Group at the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]