In Depth
Health: Age and libido
Mature relationships: What's lust got to do with it?
March 4, 2008
By Georgie Binks
When Nick thinks back to his marriage, he muses that, "We used to be intimate once a month, but then it decreased so much I stopped keeping track. By the end we were doing it seasonally."
Nick, a fit father of two university-aged children from Toronto who is now separated from his wife of 25 years, said sex — or lack of it — wasn't necessarily the deal breaker.
However, he admits, "You don't know what goes first, or if it magnifies other issues. Maybe you put up with other problems if there's more sex. It wouldn't have taken much of an increase in libido for me to have been happy."
Related
From all of the Viagra and Cialis ads, you might think it's men who suffer most from lack of desire. But while 25 per cent of men have experienced a significant drop in testosterone by age 40, their desire still typically surpasses that of their partners. As well, drugs that address erectile dysfunction are there to solve performance problems, not desire.
For many women, however, that first step in the lovemaking process — desire — declines as they age.
"We get women coming in a lot with low libido," says Sarah Forbes-Roberts, co-owner of Toronto's Come As You Are, a sex-positive and feminist sex store. "It's all related to hormone balance. When the body changes, things women might have found erotic in the past aren't anymore."
Alex, an attractive lawyer with curly auburn hair who is in her mid-50s and pre-menopausal, says: "My libido is lower now, which causes some tension. I tell my husband it has nothing to do with my attraction for him and he's pretty good about it. I don't think it's serious enough to see a doctor. I just think it's temporary."
The problem, according to Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie, is that, "Men are devastated. Most are loyal and want to love their partners. They don't want to mess it up but they can't physically go that long without sex. They'll either get it somewhere else or move on."
Age and libido
A number of factors can affect a woman's libido as she ages. Changing hormones can play a role before, during and after menopause. As well, women's feelings about their bodies as they get older can contribute to decreased desire.
Chloe, a marketing executive in her mid-50s, admits, "When I feel fat, I have no libido. I wonder who'd want this body. A lot of us at this age want to lose weight so we'll feel more attractive and sexual. If our libidos were really dead, we'd just put on another 10 pounds and say, 'To hell with it.'"
Forbes-Roberts says the blame for a reduced sex life can't always be placed solely on low libido. Psychological and social factors can also come into play.
"People get stuck in ruts," she says. "Sex stops being exciting or dangerous anymore. It often falls by the wayside when you're raising kids. When you try to get it back later on, it takes quite a bit of work."
One of the stumbling blocks is that many women see a reduced sex life as the norm when they age because their friends are in the same situation.
"My wife told me most of our friends had relationships that were more like brother and sister," Nick recalls. "She thought that was normal. I didn't believe her. I was convinced people were having sex, it just wasn't me."
Medicinal options
Women can consult their doctors for a variety of prescription medications that can affect libido. Options include local estrogen therapy via vaginal cream or slow-release suppositories, or a ring placed in the vagina that can increase blood flow and help boost desire.
Some doctors recommend a combination of progesterone and estrogen. Testosterone can help women whose ovaries have been removed. Testosterone patches are now available, as are aphrodisiac inhalers.
McGarvie prefers the natural route and recommends omega-3 fatty acids, zinc, calcium, magnesium, vitamin C and evening primrose oil. "My magic ingredient is six ounces of very dark chocolate a day," McGarvie laughs, adding that she also recommends Kegel exercises, which strengthen the pelvic muscles.
As women age, the lining of their vaginas thin, which can make sex painful. Forbes-Roberts suggests taking the emphasis off intercourse and trying massage or tantric sex. Lubricants are recommended for women of all ages, and local estrogen creams can help.
However, experts stress that much of a woman's libido ultimately depends on what's going on in her head.
"Maybe watch a movie or read some erotica with a partner which offers different scenarios," Forbes-Roberts suggests. "That might give you some ideas of what to try."
And when the sexual aspect of a relationship cools, men shouldn't give up hope. They should be aware that women are often as concerned about finding ways to rekindle the passion.
"We want to feel we're not finished as sexual beings," Chloe says. "We want to get our sex drives back."
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