In a place where sayings like "Love Thy Neighbour" and "Turn the Other Cheek" are standard fare, it might seem strange that those who frequent a house of worship would need a referee.

But more and more these days, what's known as the "worship wars" is becoming such a problem that special mediators have to be brought in to try to bring peace to sparring congregations.

Church leaders are finding that, given the emotions that can let loose in these situations, it is often best to import someone from outside the church, either a mediator or a conflict resolution facilitator trained in this particular kind of conflict.

Today, organizations such as the Canadian Mennonite University and Conrad Grebel University College, affiliated with the University of Waterloo, offer workshops or courses in church mediation to keep up with the growing demand.

Sometimes the fights can be over issues like same-sex marriage or the ordination of women, but more often it is the little things that spark the big battles.

"The hot issues in churches these days are music and style of worship. People get upset when new music, drama and dance are introduced as part of the service," explained Lynda Trono, a United Church minister for Manitoba and northwestern Ontario who does some church mediation and trains others in it.

"One church had a huge fight over which way the chairs would be arranged. People were ripping up cheques in front of the minister. It was very emotional."

In fact, some church battles can get pretty nasty. Trono knows of one disagreement where someone threw something. But, thankfully, there does seem to be limits.

"I've only seen three death threats in twenty years," said Susan Neinaber, a senior consultant with the Alban Institute, a resource centre for congregations and their leaders in Herndon, Va.

Reaching out in a changing world

Synagogues are experiencing these types of problems, too, according to Rabbi Joel Meyers, the executive vice-president of the Rabbinical Assembly in New York City.

"Sometimes, the conflict can be over a simple thing like what time to have evening services," Meyers said. "Usually it's not a religious issue, but an administrative issue or a personality clash."

A 1998 Statistics Canada report found that only about 32 per cent of adult Canadians attend religious services at least once a month. Reading between the lines, there is a missing generation of 30- to 45-year-olds.

Trono said churches want to reach out to them. However, doing so can cause problems.

"We're trying to respond to a changing world in a way that keeps the essence of who we are but speaks to a new generation," Trono said. "People who are used to traditional ways of expressing their faith have a real struggle making change."

Sometimes the process is the problem. "When the process isn't good, things blow up," said Stephanie Coward-Yaskiw, a United Church mediator in the Ottawa area. "People need to feel they've been consulted or heard."

But process is not the only flashpoint. Arthur Paul Boers, a Mennonite pastor and academic who wrote Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behaviour, a textbook about solving conflict in churches, points the finger at technology.

"E-mail isn't a very civil way of communicating," he said. "Often pastors and church members talk to me about how fights are amplified by e-mail. People are always misinterpreting, then exaggerating and reacting, then copying other folks and dragging more people into it."

Beyond ministers

In the past, a minister might simply have calmed tempers and had the final say in resolving a dispute. Forty years ago, people had more trust in institutions and didn't mind being told what to do.

But these days, "the authoritarian approach doesn't work anymore," said Boers, an associate professor in pastoral theology with the Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary in Elkhart, Ind. "Pastors have to do a lot of facilitation and persuasion."

Unfortunately, by the time a mediator arrives, the situation can be quite serious.

"Churches don't call until the situation is almost desperate," said Trono.

"People going to church don't want conflict. They have higher expectations of the church than they do of other organizations. By the time it gets to mediation, there are a number of issues that have gone unresolved for a long time."

In fact, Coward-Yaskiw said, because churchgoers don't think they should have conflict, inappropriate behaviour continues far beyond what is healthy.

Sometimes dealing with certain issues can be very difficult. "If they feel that their soul and our souls are in peril, that's a big thing, so that's why things can escalate," said Coward-Yaskiw.

Often mediation can work out a satisfactory solution to an issue, but sometimes the worst can happen — problems can't be solved and members leave or churches split, as recently happened in Canada with almost a dozen Anglican congregations.

• See The Anglican schism, a cross-Canada look

Conflict can even end up in court if, for example, a minister feels he or she has been the subject of a wrongful dismissal.

However, conflict in a church can have some positive aspects, said Trono.

"It can be a wonderful way to explore different perspectives and learn about each other. When it's destructive and people are starting to hurt one another, then it's a problem."

Coward-Yaskiw is even more philosophical: "A church without conflict is dead. The question is whether it is healthy or unhealthy."

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