Halle Berry asks Robert De Niro if she can be in the next Little Fockers sequel. (Warner Bros.)

Director Garry Marshall is the Godfather. That is the conclusion I have come to after watching New Year's Eve.

What does he know about Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank and Halle Berry that could possibly compel them to participate in this Citizen Kane of schmaltz?

I suppose the answer is that, against all odds, Marshall's last mega-montage of a movie, Valentine's Day, did quite well at the box office.

So he's back again with another festive film.

Never before has such an array of talent been assembled in a movie that makes the writing of Three and a Half Men sound like Woody Allen.

On the off-chance you haven't gotten your fill of holiday cheer, a viewing of New Year's Eve should suffice. Sugary sweet doesn't even begin to cover it. This is film so sappy it comes with a warning for diabetics.

Zac Ephron wonders if that's Michelle Pfeiffer in New Year's Eve. (Warner Bros.)

The plot? A random assortment of cookie-cutter characters (the nurse, the bachelor, the hipster bike courier, the overprotective mom, the dying dad, the mousy clerk, the frazzled boss) dash around on New Year's Eve and in the end everyone kisses. (SPOILER!)

There are lessons to be learned, such as celebrities are just like us; they take gigs for money. But there are also many many questions.

• Why did Russell Peters decide to play a flamboyant chef with the kind of Indian Apu accent that he built his career on mocking?

• Why did Garry Marshall cast Michelle Pfieffer as a shy secretary and more importantly, where has she been hiding?

• Has Sofia Vergara become the modern Charo?

• How much did it cost for Alyssa Milano's 60-second appearance in the baby ward?

• How did Jon Bon Jovi prepare to play the movie's supposed music superstar "Jensen."

• Which role was more embarrassing? Robert De Niro as sad dying father who just wants to see the ball drop one more time....or Hector Elizondo as the Russian mechanic Kominsky who seems a distant relative of Yakov Smirnoff.

• It is true Paul Reubens and Katie Holmes have already signed up for the next film, Arbor Day?

Forced to choose among the seemingly infinite story-lines, I will admit to being slightly bemused by the meeting of the slacker cartoonist (Ashton Kutcher) and the sass-talking back-up singer (Lea Michele).

If you want a real dose of romance may I recommend Like Crazy, which is still in theatres.

I don't hate rom-coms. I don't mind that New Year's Eve was conceived and sold as a chick flick. But there's only so much cheese a man can swallow.

RATING: 1 out of 5