Illustration by Jillian Tamaki

Paris Hilton is fairly devoid of substance on her own; to paraphrase the late film critic John Harkness on Ed Burns, I hear a giant sucking sound whenever she appears onscreen. But her latest endeavour, a grotesque reality elimination show in which overly bleached and glitter-adorned scenesters competed for the dubious honour of being anointed Hilton's Best Friend Forever, catapulted things into a whole new stratosphere of vapid heinousness.

Like all, um, bad things, Paris Hilton's My New BFF came to a stumbling, inebriated end this week when the blonde socialite found a kindred spirit in a rather generic brunette named Brittany. While a sad runner-up tearfully parsed the Dear John (or rather, "Dear Vanessa") note that'd been left for her in a hotel room, a mask-wearing Brittany was led through a creepy carnivalesque party till she arrived at Hilton's feet. Once there, Paris's New BFF was treated to one of the weirdest and most awkward speeches in reality-show history.

I didn't watch Paris Hilton's My New BFF regularly, but whenever I happened upon it, I recoiled, disgusted by the spectacle of a cabal of sad clownish kids who -- despite never having met Hilton before the series launched -- regularly burst into tears due to what they claimed was a deep and abiding love for "Paris as a person, y'know?" Ugh. Still, Hilton's speech reached new heights of ickiness.

Hilton opened by talking about how she'd spent the last little while yearning for the end of competition, when she could return to her real life, then threw in a red herring about how Brittany wouldn't be joining her.... While the putative friendo gasped in horror, Hilton smirked, then assuaged her fears by gleefully shrieking something about how the two of them were actually starting a life TOGETHER. It was a little bit wedding vow, a little bit cult affirmation, and totally disconcerting.

Poor Brittany. I suppose at least she'll have a snazzy scrapbook of tabloid photos that depict "Paris Hilton and friend" to hang on to after her 15 seconds of fame go up in flames.

--Sarah LIss