Designer/reality television star Heidi Montag. (Matt Sayles/Associated Press)

The MTV series The Hills is a nadir in contemporary pop culture, a show that -- apologies to Seinfeld -- really is about absolutely nothing at all. Ostensibly unscripted, the program offers a glimpse into the lives of a group of young, rich and disaffected California kids, who do little with their time other than whine, bicker, form empty alliances, buy puppies, sip iced coffee drinks, "study" fashion and live in each other's guest houses. And yet The Hills is a massive sensation, one of the shiniest jewels in MTV's programming crown.

Lauren Conrad, the would-be fashion maven who serves as the de facto star of The Hills, even graced the cover of last week's issue of Entertainment Weekly. Conrad -- who designed a line of clothing in partnership with MTV -- heads up her own branded empire, which extends into cosmetics, books and phone accessories; her arch-nemesis Heidi Montag presides over a similar popcult queendom, which includes an atrocious album and a fashion line of her own.

Few fans of The Hills would deny that the MTV "reality" series operates at an intellectual level on par with a remedial reading class for first-graders. The characters converse in halting, often monosyllabic statements -- that is, when they speak at all. For the most part, the petty details of these privileged kids' lives unfold through lingering, glassy-eyed stares and pained sighs.

So what better way to pay, er, homage to The Hills than by rendering the goings-on of villainous couple Heidi and Spencer (colloquially referred to as "Speidi") in the language of everyone's favourite books for youngsters, the Dick & Jane series? Thank heavens the geniuses at Gallery Of The Absurd saved us the trouble. Take a gander, or just check out this amusing excerpt:

A DATE AT THE SKATING RINK

See Heidi and Spencer ice skate!
They have so much fun together.

Skate, Heidi, skate.
Skate, Spencer, skate.

How did the photographers know Heidi and Spencer were on a date at the skating rink?
How, how, how?

Heidi and Spencer told them, that's how!
Now their happy happy photo will be in US Weekly magazine.

See Heidi and Spencer ice skate!

--Sarah Liss