Microsoft's Windows 7 party and 10 other awesome infomercials

In a late 1980s infomercial, a San Diego carpenter/inventor demonstrates the Flowbee, an electric-powered vacuum attachment made for cutting hair. (YouTube)

With the launch of Windows 7 looming (the operating system is available to the public on Oct. 22) and the Wrath of Vista a not-so-distant memory in PC users' minds, Microsoft's marketing team has brought out the big guns. Their chipper new video campaign illustrates the tremendous fun that is in store for those who choose to host their very own Windows 7 parties.

The excruciatingly awkward clip conjures memories of the finest infomercials that have ever graced late-night TV. It features a semi-diverse gaggle of people who'd never choose to hang out by choice in real life. In Microsoft World, however, they chortle and coo over the fabulous features and delightful diversions that Windows 7 has bestowed upon the world. It's the best thing since home karaoke machines!

It's not clear if the awesomely terrible tone of the promo video is intentional. Could the folks at Microsoft be working a meta-media angle in the hopes of beating the creators of Apple's deadpan Mac vs. PC ads at their own game?

At any rate, repeated viewings of the clip got us thinking about the possible inspiration behind the Windows 7 campaign. We've come up with 10 classic infomercials that laid the groundwork for the stilted dialogue and forced enthusiasm of the PC party crew.

The Snakmaster

This handy machine made it possible to create down-home apple pies using only some cottony white bread and a dollop of applesauce! In this folksy clip, grandfatherly inventor Dave Clark insists that he can help make your life not just easier, but a lot more fun, while archetypal mother figure Cathy Mitchell (working a fab '80s perm) demonstrates how to make a dizzying array of squishable treats.

Hairigami

In Japan, as the soothing lady announcer tells us, the ancient art of paper folding is known as origami. In North America, the act of using twisty, cloth-covered bits of wire to make unattractive faux-chignons was briefly known as "hairigami."

The Flowbee

Another fine addition to the home hair-care toolbox, the Flowbee holds a special place in the hearts of the many children who were scarred by the intense suction of this combination vacuum-slash-electric clipper.

RonCo GLH9

When I was a kid, I was mesmerized by the concept of this spray-on hair in a can, patented by infomercial king Ron Popeil and marketed under the vague-yet-ominous name GLH9. I had dreams of spraying it all over my body and going out as a gorilla for Hallowe'en. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anyone who'd actually used it, and ergo never learned whether it worked.

RonCo Showtime Rotisserie

Popeil sold his RonCo empire in 2005 for a staggering $55 million US. But until he cashed out, the guy had a profound effect on the world of as-seen-on-TV products. His food dehydrator brought joy to legions of jerky fanatics, but Popeil's Showtime Rotisserie infomercials made a splash thanks to a catchy tagline: "Just set it and forget it!"

Jack LaLanne Power Juicer

Bodybuilding pioneer Jack LaLanne approached his plant-based food regime with the devotion of a cult leader. He promised his subjects that he could help them "unlock [their] energy, vitality and fitness." All it took was an overpriced juicer, and the knowledge that "you are the most important person you have." Huh?

Slap Chop

For some unknown reason, the products in infomercials often have violent undertones. The Slap Chop, shilled by Vince Offer (born Offer Shlomi, and also known as the dude who brought us the ShamWow!) allows consumers to smash helpless vegetables to bits with a simple slam. (The barely contained aggression in this ad took on chilling new significance last February when Offer was arrested for battering a prostitute.)

Ginsu Knives

Like the Hairigami clip, this original Ginsu infomercial has some offensive Orientalist undertones. "In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife," proclaims the announcer. This classic clip taught viewers that Ginsu knives can be used to cut tin cans. Why anyone would want to do that is still unclear.

Dr. Ho's Muscle Massage System

The subjects in this ad for the hilarious Dr. Ho's Muscle Massage System ("Better than a husband!") seem to be enjoying the strange vibrating device so thoroughly that watching this clip borders on voyeurism.

Magic Bullet

Finally, a modern classic. The Magic Bullet infomercial, which mimics the structure of a terrible sitcom to show colourful characters enjoying the fruits of a shoddy blender, seems like the obvious precursor for the Windows 7 party clip. Watch out for crotchety Hazel, who wanders through the set wearing a dressing gown, an unlit cigarette perpetually threatening to fall out of her mouth. She's a real spitfire!

BONUS: Infomercial Hell

The jokers at Everything Is Terrible spliced together this entertaining montage of "before" parts from a slew of infomercials to show us all how painful the world would be without useless products.

What is your favourite infomercial?

--Sarah Liss