Host Hugh Jackman catches a cane tossed by audience member Brad Pitt during the 81st annual Academy Awards. (Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press)

Elegant? Yes. Fast-paced? Er, no. This year's Oscar ceremony was as slow and plodding as usual, clocking in at an ungainly 3½ hours. The mood at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, Calif., however, seemed more buoyant than last year, when the films being celebrated (No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood) reflected a mood of prevailing nastiness that may have been tied to the end of George W. Bush's presidency. This year, the Obama-era optimism was reflected in the success of Slumdog Millionaire. Hugh Jackman was solid and likable as host, but those endless makeup, costuming and sound awards managed — as always — to stretch the proceedings beyond any normal person's idea of what constitutes acceptable entertainment.

Here are our own awards, designed to celebrate the best and worst of this year's Oscars:

Best Hugh Jackman musical routine

The rookie host got things off to a rousing start on a faux low-budget set with a medley of spoof songs inspired by the nominated films. Sample line about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: "When I was born my back was sore and I had pubic hair/I'm aging in reverse but no one seems to be aware." Jackman isn't a comedian, but this opening routine was in the best Billy Crystal tradition, and earned him a standing ovation — something that previous host Jon Stewart couldn’t muster.

Worst Hugh Jackman musical routine

The Baz Luhrmann-directed segment about the resurgence of the movie musical felt more like a tribute to the disaster movie. Wildly unfocused, it was a hyperkinetic, Moulin Rouge-style mess featuring Beyonce on autopilot and Jackman singing a couple of words from about 20 different songs. Memo to the Academy: if you’re trying to attract younger viewers with performers like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, maybe you shouldn’t include them in a medley that features the greatest hits of Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly.

Best acceptance speech

Sean Penn accepts the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance in Milk. (Mark J. Terrill/Associated Press)

Sean Penn’s win for Best Actor was a bit of an upset, as Mickey Rourke had racked up several acting awards in the weeks leading up to Oscar night. Even more shocking, though, was Penn's speech, which was funny ("You commie, homo-loving sons of guns"), self-deprecating ("I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me") and utterly gracious toward his main rival ("Mickey Rourke rises again and he is my brother"). Throw in all the right thank-yous, plus an impassioned plea for lifting the ban against gay marriage in California, and you had the most stirring speech of the night.

Lamest conceit

Did we really need that endless primer on how movies are made? By the time the broadcast entered its fourth hour, nobody wanted to hear Reese Witherspoon describing the director's role on a set: "Designing each shot so that everything in the frame adds to the immediacy of the storytelling, making sure that every creative aspect works together to elevate craft to the level of art..." Please, just be quiet and hand the award to Danny Boyle.

Best innovation

The idea of having five previous winners from each acting category briefly toast this year's nominees was a smashing success. It provided some genuine emotion (see: Shirley MacLaine's generous praise toward a gobsmacked Anne Hathaway) and slight awkwardness (Cuba Gooding Jr. joking about the racial implications of Robert Downey Jr.'s performance in Tropic Thunder). Legends like Sophia Loren, Robert De Niro and Anthony Hopkins also added some much-needed star power on a night when the celeb wattage seemed decidedly low.

The Missing in Action award

Where was Jack Nicholson? Somehow it didn’t seem like a true Oscar ceremony without Jack in the front row, leering at all the women from behind those sunglasses.

Best parody of an emotionally unstable actor

It was inevitable that someone would take a satirical shot at Joaquin Phoenix after the gifted actor-turned-lame-rapper’s recent spaced-out appearance on Letterman. The task fell to Ben Stiller, who wore the requisite sunglasses and unkempt beard while claiming that he wanted to "retire from being the funny guy." Yes, it was like shooting fish in a barrel, but this extended riff on Phoenix's self-importance was satisfying nonetheless. Sadly, no one had the guts to poke fun at Christian Bale's anger-management issues — maybe because The Dark Knight was up for several awards.

The 'Yes, we get it, this is Slumdog’s year' award

Apart from Penn’s best acting triumph and Japan's upset win for Departures in the Best Foreign Film slot, this was one of the most predictable Oscar nights ever. And none of the presenters or award winners went off script and made shockingly political or inappropriate speeches. (Sigh, we miss the days when Richard Gere would go off the grid and send out positive vibes to Tibet.)

The Give the People What They Want Award, or best ongoing celebrity soap opera

Admit it, weren't you happy when the camera gave us that reaction shot of Angelina Jolie when Jennifer Aniston was co-presenting the animation awards? At first, Jolie was wearing a professionally courteous — if somewhat forced — smile, but a couple of minutes later, she was shooting a death stare at Brad's ex. Maybe this year's Oscars lacked spontaneous drama, but we can be sure that the Pitt-Jolie-Aniston soap opera will generate interest for years to come.

Greig Dymond writes about the arts for CBCNews.ca.