Kate Davis enjoys poking fun at the wonders of motherhood.
I don't think there are that many calories in breast milk and it's a great facial cleaner.
—Kate Davis, comedian
After my baby was born only weighing six pounds, 14 ounces I was determined to lose the
other 73 pounds I had gained.
Not only was I huge, my breasts, once my milk came in (it sounds like I ordered it) were size "H". It was hard to stand up straight and not fall over, that's how huge they were. And unfortunately I wasn't blessed with the "my baby will nurse my pregnancy weight right off me" luck. Oh no!
So my extendable stomach pants and I made our way to the local gym. I was hooked up with a trainer named Amber. As she put me on the treadmill, it started off slow; then all of a sudden it sped up, the faster it goes the faster my boobs go, almost giving me a black eye with each stride. Amber had walked off and I decided to make a run for it to the change room! I quickly whipped off my workout gear hoping Amber wouldn't come looking for me.
There was a hot tub in the change room and that entertained me more than anything. I would have a soak followed by a long shower where I would shave both legs without getting interrupted!
A couple of minutes went by and as I opened my eyes one lady started pointing at me, as my breast milk was hitting her right below her lip and shrieking, "You're leaking! You're spraying, your breasts!" as she leapt out of the hot tub.
All the others following quickly screaming similar things - they were quite young and obviously hadn't had children yet. I was spraying like Niagara Falls. I was my own cherub fountain. I wasn't scheduled to nurse for an hour but I guess the heat from the hot tube changed all that.
I timidly made my way out holding my breasts while my milk dripped to the ground from between my fingers. What flew out of my mouth next shocked me, "It's okay really I don't think there are that many calories in breast milk and it's a great facial cleaner."
The gym wasn't for me. I fell in love with my roller blades, a sports stroller and avoided hot tubs all together at least while I was breastfeeding.
Kate Davis appears at the Friday Night Super Gala at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival and will be taping a live episode of The Debaters on April 13.
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