Scientists discover male spiders excellent lovers

Spiders, good lovers? It's science.

I do not love spiders. Their homes stick to your face. They have no respect for gravity. They're poisonous (k, some are poisonous). And eight legs is, frankly, pretty arrogant. I get along just fine with two. Spiders frighten me. And I'm not alone. Arachnophobia ranks number one on the phobias list (ophidiophobia, fear of snakes, and acrophobia, fear of heights, round out the top three). But a whopping 48% of women and about 12% of men have no chill when it comes to arachnids. I could climb MT Everest wearing an anaconda as a scarf but grab some popcorn and watch my cool exterior crumble if a spider gets the jump on me. That said, I do respect the scary bastards. And now I have even more reason to.  

The Darwin's bark spider (Caerostris darwini, if you're a stickler for formality) builds 25-meter-wide webs out of silk 10 times stronger than kevlar. You know kevlar, it's the stuff that stops bullets. Just so we're all on the same page, this little dude catches snacks in a 75 foot net he makes from theoretically bulletproof bio-thread squirted out his butt. Don't worry, he lives in Madagascar. But according to lab studies these badass Madagascan mini monsters are also very generous lovers.

The males, it turns out, are notorious for giving oral sex to their lady partners. Even more surprising? Favorite sexual practices from the spider kama-sutra involve things like sexual cannibalism, mate-binding, genital mutilation, plugging, and emasculation. I'll give you minute while you process "plugging". And umm, geeze, rent a dungeon, spiders! So, spiders like it rough. Fact. Which is why it's a little surprising that they're so unselfish when it comes to oral pleasure: the males go down before, during and after sex. I mean, you're preaching to the choir. We all got the foreplay memo but after? Damn, Caerostris darwini, you're making some of us look bad over here. Is it telling that the females are typically twice the size of males? Even still, we get it, you're a champ, dude. Go build a mega-web. We're all very impressed. Actually, though. That's impressive.


So think twice before you pop a tiny arachnid abdomen under foot or crush it with the Kleenex mitt you've just fashioned. There's an easier way.  Besides, the little guy may be on his way to rock his girlfriend's world. Or help her lay eggs in your pillow case. Either or.