How to talk to your children about war

Tell the truth. As much as possible, be honest with your child when providing information about war. Children will usually know, or eventually find out, if you're making things up, and it can affect their ability to feel reassured by you and to trust you in the future. Don’t be afraid to admit if you don’t know something and cannot in the moment provide an answer to a question your child asks. Most children can tolerate uncertainty if they feel secure that you are there for them, and that you yourself can tolerate uncertainty. If there is a factual answer to the question, but you simply don’t know it (e.g., “ How far away is Iraq?”), this is a great opportunity for the two of you to seek out the answer together through a reliable source. http://cbc.ca/news/iraq/ provides comprehensive coverage and information on the war and related issues.

Listen to your child. Let your child take the lead in terms of the amount and type of information that you discuss. Children typically request information in doses they can handle – too much and they can become overwhelmed. You don’t need to tell your child everything you know all at once. You do need to use your judgment to honestly address what your child is asking, to answer her questions simply and in ways that are developmentally appropriate, and to avoid providing additional information that your child may not be ready or able to process. In your discussions with your child, make a point of genuinely acknowledging and validating her thoughts, feelings and reactions. Let her know that you think her questions and concerns are important and appropriate. Don't dismiss your child's fears or concerns. Children can feel embarrassed or criticized when their fears are minimized.

Help your child talk about things. Not all children will be able to articulate their questions and concerns about war. Sometimes it will be necessary for parents to be the ones to initiate dialogue with their child. If for instance you know that the topic of war has been introduced in your child’s school, you may begin by asking your child about what was covered in class, and to explore how he has processed the information. By asking your child what he knows, you discover what is most important to him, what misconceptions he has, how he feels about certain events, etc. This provides you with a starting point from which to talk about war that is relevant and meaningful to your child. Some children may not want to talk about their thoughts, feelings or fears. They may be more comfortable drawing pictures, playing with toys, or writing stories. If so, don’t force a dialogue – let them express themselves at their own pace, in their own way.

How to Monitor how your child is coping

Be on the lookout for symptoms of distress. It is not always easy to tell when children are scared or worried about war talk and the various images they are exposed to. Children may be reluctant to talk about their fears or may not even be aware of how they are being affected by the news. Some signs that might indicate distress include noticeable changes in a child’s behaviour, such as regressive behaviour (e.g., thumbsucking, bedwetting), overly aggressive or withdrawn behaviour, and/or anxious behaviours (e.g., clinginess, headaches, stomachaches, difficulty eating or sleeping, nightmares). If you notice that your child is displaying these behaviours in excess, you may want to consider professional help. Some parents express concern that their child engages in war play. On its own, this is not necessarily an indication of a problem. It is normal for children to play games related to war and this type of play may increase as children actively process new information about the war, imitate, act out, or problem solve different scenarios.

Preventive steps to take now

Protect your child from information overload. As much as possible, limit and/or control your child’s exposure to war-related images and information. The younger your child, the less he should be exposed to news about the war (either on television, radio, or by overhearing adult conversations). Don't let your young child watch TV with violent or upsetting images. The repetition of frightening scenes of war can be very disturbing to young children. Older children are inevitably exposed to more war-related information through the media, school and peers. In protecting them, it is often helpful to examine the news together to monitor the information that reaches your child, to gauge his reaction to it, to correct any misconceptions your child may have, and to help him process and work through feelings that may arise.

In attempting to understand what your child knows about the war and what he is going through, it is often helpful to coordinate information between home and school. Parents should know about any activities their child's school has planned that address war. Similarly, teachers should know about discussions that you have had with your child, especially if your child has expressed particular fears, concerns or questions that you would like the teacher to be aware of.

Protect your child from your own anxiety. Children learn so much from watching how their parents react to a given situation. While it is OK, and even helpful at times, to share with your child your own concerns and feelings about war, it is important to manage your negative reactions and feelings while you are with your child. Anxiety can be contagious. By handling your own feelings appropriately, through calm discussions and other nonviolent means of expression, you teach your child, by example, how to effectively deal with fear and sadness. Maintaining normal daily routines will also help both you and your child.

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