UNWIND

Woman looks forward to scrolling through phone in rustic environment

According to sources, this 32 year-old will be sipping wine by the lake, taking photos of herself doing so, and then getting anxious over how many “likes” those photos receive.

BRACEBRIDGE, ON—After a particularly stressful month in the big city, Toronto woman Katherine Lynch is looking forward to her planned weekend getaway so she can be stressed out by all the same stuff in a more rustic environment, sources confirmed.

"The pressures of city life and always being plugged in have been getting to me lately," admitted Lynch upon arriving at her rented Muskoka-region cottage this morning.

"Which is why it's so great to get away from it all and check my phone every 3 to 5 seconds among the tranquility of nature."

According to sources, the 26-year-old copywriter plans on spending the weekend sipping wine by the lake, taking photos of herself doing so, and then getting unreasonably anxious over how many "likes" those photos receive on Instagram, among other superficially relaxing but ultimately stress-inducing activities.

"I know it sounds basic, but I'm most looking forward to the trees," Lynch said while eagerly awaiting new notifications on her iPhone. "Back home, you look up from your phone and see nothing but buildings and people. But here you look up from your phone and see nature. It's so calming."

"Well, calming for those few seconds before looking back down at least," she added.

In addition to unwinding, Lynch is reportedly looking forward to catching up on hobbies her busy schedule does not permit her time to enjoy.

"Things have been so crazy lately, I haven't even had a chance to tweet in, like, four days," she explained. "So it will be nice to write 30 or 40 while I'm here. Really savour it, you know?"

Though her weekend had only just begun, Lynch went on to express hope that her trip will inspire others.

"I don't think people make enough time for self-care," she said while trying to think of something clever enough to win the approval of everyone on this one Facebook comment thread.

"As a society, we need to better prioritize cutting loose from the things that bog us down and live in the moment," she added while decidedly doing neither of those things. "So if my packing up to scroll on my phone two hours away from where I normally scroll on my phone inspires someone else to do the same, that can only be a good thing."

At press time, Lynch was frantically searching her cottage for the Wi-Fi password.  

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About the Author

Ned Petrie

Ned Petrie is a Toronto-based writer, actor, and 6-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee. He currently appears on the TV series Blind Sighted (AMI) and Gary & His Demons (Blue Ant Media). Previously, Ned was a writer for Night Sweats (Teletoon) and created the game show pilot The Panel Show for CBC Radio.