I DON'T

Wedding season is upon us! Here are some creative ways to RSVP 'No'

It can feel challenging to decline your invite without a believable explanation. There’s no need to fret — there are plenty of ways to get out of forced conversation with people you don’t care about.
(Igisheva Maria/Shutterstock)

As the warm weather approaches, our personal time can be quickly overtaken with weekend weddings. Nobody really likes weddings, especially if every single weekend of our precious summer months are consumed with someone else's nuptials.

However, it can feel challenging to decline your invite without a believable explanation. There's no need to fret — there are plenty of ways to get out of forced conversation with people you don't care about. The following are some creative ways to RSVP 'No' to any and all invitations.

1. "Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to invite me to your wedding! It's been awhile since high school! 15 years, maybe! I was aiming for at least 20 to pass before I ever had to see anyone who knew me while I was pretending to like '70s classic rock in order to impress a boy, so I'm going to have to decline. Let me know if you ever renew your vows, or get married to someone else!"

2. "I'll be out of town at another wedding, but I promise to mentally insert your names into the appropriate slots during the ceremony, so it's just like I'll be at yours, without ever having to interact with any of your friends and family."

3. "I'm sorry, I do not think this union is going to last and therefore I refuse to spend precious hours of my life celebrating something that is a waste of both of our time."

4. "Plus one?! Wow, way to rub your blissful monogamy in my face. Unless I can bring my cat then no thanks."

5. "1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce, so this year I'll only be RSVPing to 1 in 2 invitations."

6. "My apologies, I'll be unable to attend this union because the weather is nice and I'd like to be doing literally anything else."

7. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling attacked by the phrase 'cash bar'. I'll have to respectfully decline until you can make your event more inclusive for those of us who do not ever want to pay for anything at an event we only said yes to for the food and drinks."

8. "My therapist says I need to start putting myself in situations that help me to grow as a person, and the archaic practice of marriage doesn't appeal to the commitment I've made to my personal growth."

9. "You know, I just finished watching eight episodes of Say Yes To The Dress so I'm good for a few years."

10. "The best day of YOUR life sounds like the worst day of mine."

11. "New life, who dis?"

12. "Oh no, I don't spend money on anything that isn't a gift for myself, and the greatest gift I can give to myself is freedom during the exact time and day of your wedding."

13. "I wouldn't even go to my own wedding, so, respectfully, absolutely not."

After you've relieved yourself of the obligation to an entire day's worth of Pinterest-inspired mason jar centrepieces, don't think twice about missing out on any "fun." The only way to have fun at a wedding is to get blackout drunk and say something insulting to a stranger who turns out to be the father of the bride. And even then, if you can't remember it, what's the point? Give yourself the freedom to enjoy your life this season by donating your weekends to the greater good: your personal time.

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About the Author

Allana Reoch

Allana is currently performing with the Mainstage cast for The Second City’s 80th revue, Party Today, Panic Tomorrow. She is a two-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee & past winner of the Tim Sims Encouragement Fund Award. Most recently, her credits include writing for Comedy Network’s THE BEAVERTON, on which she also plays Beauty Expert, Amber. Her solo characters were featured in both the Toronto Sketch Comedy Festival and Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival’s Best of the Fest shows, and earned her a spot in JFL42’s New Faces Character showcase. She can be seen performing around Toronto with troupe, Panacea (Top 10 Comedy Shows of 2015, Now Magazine & Torontoist). Allana is a proud alumna of The Sketchersons. Yes we blam!