CLASS TIME

Unclear if man at next table on date or giving one-on-one university lecture

Really hard to tell.
(Shutterstock / Usoltsev Kirill)

According to a developing report by a customer at a local cafe, a man named Glen is having lunch with a woman, but it is unclear whether he is her friend, romantic partner, or giving her a highly personalized, one-on-one university lecture.

Glen is speaking to the woman (who we shall not name, and couldn't if we wanted to since he has not yet used her name nor given her a chance to speak) animatedly, confidently, and with the apparent expectation that she is interested in everything he has to say and will successfully retain all the information he is providing her. All of these observations lend credence to the idea that this must be some of purely educational professor-student interaction.

The class he's teaching, if it indeed exists, presumably covers a wide range of topics – he has so far touched on quantum physics, the musical Hamilton, the best kind of protein bar, and what it's like to be a 27-year-old woman.

Reports indicate that the 27-year-old woman at the table repeatedly sought the bill for the meal before nodding and saying things like, "Right. Right. No, yeah, well as I said, that's my field, so I actually do know that already, yes. Hi, is anybody—can we get the check please? Yes, Glen, I have read Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. Yes, I have heard of Dostoevsky. Yes, I have heard David Bowie's Hunky Dory album. Is anybody here in charge of giving the checks to people who want to leave?"

The anonymous fellow customer mentions that onlookers have begun to crane their necks to better hear what's going on. It's unclear if this is because they want to know what it would sound like if a real-life Frasier Crane went on a real-life date, or because they want to get a free professional academic lecture that would usually cost thousands of dollars in a classroom setting.

"Basically the thing about pop culture is—okay, have you read Hemingway? Okay. Well even if you haven't—oh, you have? Okay well even if you haven't," Glen is currently being overheard saying, "the important thing about Hemingway is that—okay, do you know the band The Smiths? You do? Okay, well even if you didn't, the important thing about the Smiths is that they—well okay, have you seen the movie Primer?"

At press time, the surrounding customers have turned around and gone back to their own meals after realizing that Glen is merely bringing up a never-ending series of topics but never actually finishing a single sentence. From this, the customers have concluded that he is probably just a communications professor.

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