it's fine

Truly unconscionable things my group of girlfriends has validated me for doing

“God, Allan was such an asshole,” the six of them exclaimed as six different flavours of Häagen Dazs on six different spoons were slowly and compassionately fed to me at the same moment.
(Shutterstock / Dean Drobot)

1.

Breaking up with Allan

"God, Allan was such an asshole," the six of them exclaimed as six different flavours of Häagen Dazs on six different spoons were slowly and compassionately fed to me at the same moment, entering six different realms of my mouth from six different directions. "Honestly? Can we be so honest? We all hated him from Day One. He's selfish, he's immature, plus he looks like a first draft of John C. Reilly. Good RIDDANCE to that guy. Never look back. Ugh, sweetheart, you're SO much better off without him. EW."

2.

Getting back together with Allan

"AwwwwwwWWWW!" the six of them gushed over coffee. "Honestly? Can we be so honest? We totally called this. You guys belong together. It's so obvious. God, he's such an awesome guy. He knows what he wants in life, he's got this super-sweet, childlike wonder about him, plus he pretty much looks like a movie star. We LOVE Allan. We LOVE this information. AW! YOU GUYS!"

3.

Biting into a Kit Kat without snapping it in half first

"You're not a sociopath, you just have a unique and special way of doing things!" the six of them asserted in perfect unison on a hayride. "It's what we love most about you. Even though the candy bar is manufactured in such a way that the two bars are already 90% of the way there to being separated, requiring really just suuuuch minimal effort from the snapper, you repeatedly choose to ignore that extremely deep, glaring line and just bite right in. And you know what? You just broke up with Allan. You eat that Kit Kat however you want. We love you so much."

4.

Making a few calls and getting Allan deported

"He was born and raised here and that makes no sense, but you did what you had to do," the six of them said matter-of-factly over celebratory drinks, high-fiving me from every conceivable direction at once to the point that it really felt more like just being lightly smacked around for a bit. "Here's a shirt we bought at Anthropologie that we thought would look really cute on you."

5.

Using the 3D printer Allan bought me to print a normal printer

"Sweetie, you've always found change really tough. It's okay. You print whatever you want."

6.

Sinking 100% of my personal savings into a small business that sells No-Purpose Flour

"We COMPLETELY support your post-breakup reinvention of your life, and here's the thing," the six of them announced as they each treated me to a hot stone massage because I have no money now, resulting in six different RMTs giving me six simultaneous massages. "People have way too many options these days. They're overwhelmed. Especially in a baking context. All-Purpose Flour??? Like, you can make ALL THINGS?? No, that kind of freedom is paralyzing. You're giving the world exactly what it needs. Your eyes look UH-mazing today."

7.

Drunk-texting Allan, who now ekes out a barely tolerable existence on the harsh and unforgiving Siberian steppe, "ILOVVE YOU I MISS USSSSSS" at 4:22 am after a ladies' night at The Firkin

"The data rates associated with what you just did are fine and don't think about it at all," the six of them shouted joyfully from the backseat of the taxi. "Plus, true love is worth EVERY PENNY of the $457 you now owe Fido. Can we do a group hug yet???? It's been like three minutes since our last group hug!!!!!!!! EW, TOO LONG. EW! ALLAN WE LOVE YOU TOOOOOO!!"

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Managing Editor

Sophie Kohn is the head writer and managing editor of CBC Comedy original editorial, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.