Trudeau introduces new Minister Of Keeping Trump Away From Me
OTTAWA, ON—As Donald Trump's inauguration date of January 20th draws nearer, the Liberal Party of Canada will undergo a cabinet shuffle today.
Though the Canadian government says these two events are entirely unrelated, some reporters have pointed a finger at a curious new position known as MOKDTTHAFJTAATAOF, or Minister of Keeping Donald Trump Away From Justin Trudeau At All Times, And Of Fisheries.
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"This is simply a standard position," said Natalie Talkes, a spokesperson for the PMO.
"We are always introducing new positions and eliminating others. It's part of the process of government, depending on what's called for at the time."
Asked why a similar job never existed during the Obama administration, Talkes simply laughed for two minutes and said, "I mean, that's just… why would you need— no, no. He's very nice. Oh, he was extremely nice and charming, yes. I will miss him."
Though the total number of cabinet ministers is expected to remain at 31 and gender parity will remain a top priority, the Minister of KDTTHAFJTAATAOF is not expected to be publicly named, due to worries this would potentially hinder his or her ability to do the job.
"We want international visits to go as smoothly as possible. If someone says to President Trump, 'Oh, wow, come look at this amazing painting, Mr. President,' we don't want him to suspect that this is being done not because of the beauty of the painting, though I'm sure it's lovely, but rather because the president came within the 'red zone' of 40 feet from the Prime Minister. By the way, the 'amber zone' is 80 feet."
"It will be a stressful job," Talkes continued, "as are all cabinet positions, and it will require vigilance at all times. There will be some breaks, such as during dinner, when we will seat Prime Minister Trudeau and President Trump at opposite ends of a specially designed 41-foot table, thereby maintaining the requisite distance."
Asked how they will accomplish the joint photo-ops and press conferences that the public will expect, the spokesperson would only say: "A very sophisticated optical illusion."
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