ZZZOOPS

Thoughts you have at 3 am versus 10 am

Okay so Ryan mentioned his divorce at the party. We chatted for a bit and then I – wait. WAIT. Oh GOD.
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3:04 am

Okay so Ryan mentioned his divorce at the party. We chatted for a bit and then I – wait. WAIT. Oh GOD, I made the stupidest joke. I said the dumbest thing that's ever been uttered in the history of earth. Ryan thinks I'm a sociopath now. He'll never talk to me again. Who even makes a joke after someone tells you they're going through a breakup?? It's all because my parents split up when I was 12 and I began to use humour as a coping mechanism. Does Ryan understand that about me? Does he know I'm not a total asshole? Oh GOD, of course he doesn't understand that about me. I should email him. Yup, I really should. I should get up right now and write him an in-depth email. I really need to explain how my childhood shaped and sculpted me in such a way that jokes are sort of like a protective armour when I'm forced to confront heavy emotional situations. It's fine. I'll start "Dear Ryan" no, "Hey Ryan!" no, "Hi Ryan", no, how about just "Ryan" actually I think "Yo, Ryan!" – you know, keep it light and cheerful. Oh GOD is Ryan OKAY? He's probably sobbing into his pillow. It's my fault. Did I cause his divorce? Shit. I totally did. I've never met his ex-wife but

10:11 am

Nice to see Ryan last night! Love how we can joke around about pretty much anything.

3:08 am

Is this the same mild headache I had yesterday???? STILL?? Great. A brain tumour. At 36. There was so much I wanted to do: see the northern lights, go to Peru. I don't tell my third cousins twice-removed that I love them nearly enough. I guess I'll have to tell work. Take some sort of a leave. Make a will. Who do I know who's a lawyer? I should have known. I should have caught this earlier. I should have demanded MRIs of my head every week starting at my birth. You can't be too careful. Great. I haven't even finished Season 2 of Stranger Things and now I'm going to die immediately, alone in my apartment. Should I get up and take a Tylenol? No. You know what? I'm not even going to bother. It won't touch what I have. This is very sad. This is so sad.

10:15 am

Coffee is a miraculous, miraculous drink. Love it! Had a bit of a headache this morning and it cleared that right up. Oh good, here's the streetcar. Ohh I love this song! What a great day.

3:13 am

Jason looked at me weird in that meeting fifteen weeks ago. What did that look mean. I pitched an idea and he sort of…. looked at me? Like, his eyes were pointed at my eyes? As if to say, "I'm for sure going to fire you soon." Shit. I looked at a sweater on the Urban Outfitters website last week. God damn it. That was it. He totally saw me. I should get ahead of this situation. I should quit. Yes, I'll quit. Tomorrow. Better than being fired. I should really get up right now and email my resignation letter. "Hey Jason!" no, "Hi Jason", no. Ugh. Way too casual. "To Whom It May Concern". That's good.

10:19 am

So many dudes in my office don't make eye contact with me when I'm talking. Love that Jason does. Solid guy.

3:16 am

Eleven months until my 37th birthday. Great. I'm pretty much 37. A WOMAN'S FERTILITY PLUMMETS 300 KILOMETRES EVERY NANOSECOND. THEN IT BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND THEN THE ONLY WAY TO GET PREGNANT AFTER 37 IS TO HIRE ALL OF NASA TO REVERSE ALL YOUR BODY SCIENCE AND IT COSTS THREE TRILLION DOLLARS PER MINUTE AND THEN SURE MAYBE YOU HAVE A BABY BY THE END BUT YOU HAVE NO MONEY WITH WHICH TO RAISE IT AND YOU LIVE IN A FRIDGE BOX ON YOUR PARENTS' LAWN

10:22 am

Slept in this morning. LOVE that I can do that! Ahhh, a whole quiet Sunday to myself! BLISS!

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Managing Editor

Sophie Kohn is the head writer and managing editor of CBC Comedy original editorial, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.