OH HELLO

Things to yell into your fake phone call when you see your ex approaching on the street

WELL, look who it is: your ex. Coming this way. Now. RIGHT NOW. Are you ready??
(Shutterstock / Anatoliy Karlyuk)

What a beautiful autumn day! The crunchy orange leaves, the lively energy of the city, the gentle sun dappling the buildings, the –

[20-MINUTE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUND AT DEAFENING VOLUME]

WELL, look who it is: your ex. Coming this way. Now. RIGHT NOW. Are you ready?? Of course you're not – as per the laws of this cruel universe, you're wearing your rattiest sweatpants, a free XXL Hootie and the Blowfish t-shirt that you won at a fall fair raffle in 1999, and you've yet to wash your hair this week. Doin' great!

If you haven't made eye contact yet, grab your phone immediately – it doesn't even need to be turned on – jam it into the side of your head's face, and shout any one of these sentences into the phone as he approaches. Do it loudly, do it with confidence, and time it so that you stride purposefully past him just as the words leave your mouth.

1.

"No, I get that you're calling me about my hedge fund, I just need you to clarify which of my hedge funds"

So many hedge funds, so little time! Are you feeling unsure that you can sell this line due to your complete ignorance as to what a hedge fund is? Hush. You're fine. No one actually knows.

2.

"Don't apologize – I think it's normal that you can't stop thinking about what we did in that highway motel"

Say this in the gentlest, most reassuring tone possible, with deep, deep concern in your voice.

3.

"If I sound a little rushed and desperately in love, it's because I'm just on my way to my wedding?"

Sure, this one raises a few questions, namely, whose wedding dress is a free XXL Hootie and the Blowfish t-shirt that you won at a fall fair raffle in 1999, but it's fine. Blow past it.

4.

"Sure, I can take the day off to go horseback riding with you – I just need to give some advance notice to the 678 people under me at work"

You can then proceed to fake an additional 678 other calls to the aforementioned fictional minions. Just a little extra ammunition in case you and your ex are awkwardly waiting on the same curb for a red light to change.

5.

"Yeah, Kanye texted me about that this morning"

Take a good 45 seconds to roll your eyes in excruciatingly slow motion. Kanye's aaaaaalways texting you about this and that.

6.

"I totally hear you: my acceptance speech was a little long and perhaps overly gracious"

Who even knows which award it was! An Oscar, a Double-Giller, your fortieth Nobel! Wheeeeee! What a time to be alive!

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Managing Editor

Sophie Kohn is the head writer and managing editor of CBC Comedy original editorial, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.