PIECE OFFERING

Tetris admits to deliberately withholding long, straight pieces to teach you lesson

After years of rumours and speculation, Tetris released a statement this morning finally admitting to withholding the long, straight block pieces on purpose at the exact moment you needed them the most.

It's official: that thing you previously suspected is 100% true.

After years of rumours and speculation, Tetris released a statement this morning finally admitting to withholding the long, straight block pieces on purpose at the exact moment you needed them the most.

"I honestly can't believe this. But I am not surprised in the least," says Hannah McGuire, 36, longtime Tetris player. "Giant companies like that always have a nefarious agenda."

In the short and confident public statement, a spokesperson stated: "We at Tetris are driven to delivering the best experience when it comes to digital assorting, and with that goal in mind we regretfully admit that we purposefully limited the dispersion of long blocks in times of great need to increase cortisol levels in your brain, therefore making you a better Tetris player."

The statement continued: "Life is hard, it doesn't come with cheat codes, and neither should games. We apologize for any inconvenience we caused by deliberately causing you inconvenience."

Naturally, this apology has been met with public backlash. At the protests outside Tetris' head office in Moscow, we spoke to players who are understandably, but also not so understandably, angry.

Thomas Shuler, 49, explains: "I feel betrayed. Cheated on, even. I may have that uh, thing, PSTD or what not, because whenever I hear that Tetris music I break out in a flop sweat."

In an effort to address the outrage of their valued consumers, Tetris has offered a solution. To appease all 113 current Tetris fans worldwide, they are offering 100 free long block pieces for every player to use at his or her discretion, though the company stresses that you will be "just terrible" at the game by the time you use them all.

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About the Author

Alan Shane Lewis

Alan Shane Lewis has been performing stand up comedy for the past 4 years, but has always had a knack for all things comedic. Whether it be writing and acting in his own sketches or with his sketch troupe "The Burning I's" or publishing comedic sports articles for BELOW THE HARDWOOD's basketball blog and DIME Magazine as a contributor.