ASTROLOGY

Revamped zodiac signs for millennials

Avocado Toast (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – The sign of the Unfulfilling Snack, a fire sign. ATs are passionate about things that no one should be passionate about and have a taste for things that barely have taste.
(Illustration by Sarah Robert)

Astrology has always appealed to a certain crowd, but these days it's become pretty tired, plus it has no curb appeal. Honestly, Pisces? Fish has too much mercury. Cancer? Seriously? It's time to cash in the traditional zodiac signs and get some new ones that better speak to the kids of today.

Avocado Toast (Mar 21 – Apr 19) – The sign of the Unfulfilling Snack, a fire sign. ATs are passionate about things that no one should be passionate about and have a taste for things that barely have taste.

Snapchat (Apr 20 – May 20) – The sign of the Filter, a water sign. They are fluid and ever-changing. A Snapchatter may never show you their true face because those dog ears are just too much fun. A Kardashian could challenge their very existence.

Kardashian (May 21 – Jun 20) – The sign of the Fame Hog, an air sign. They are very much the centre of attention, even if no one, including themselves, knows why.

Starbucks (Jun 21 – Jul 22) – The sign of the Pricey Beverage, a water sign. They don't have time to learn your name but they at least put forth the effort to ask.

Memes (July 23-Aug 22) – The sign of The Times, an air sign. They are quick to change and easily forgotten, only to be brought up again right around New Year's Eve for one last hurrah before fading into obscurity forever. Memes must therefore make an impression as quickly as possible, because it's all they have.

Emojis (August 23-September 22) – The sign of the Range of Human Experience, a fire sign. Emojis are unpredictable and can go from crying to laughing to an eggplant that's standing in for a penis at the drop of a hat.

This Cool New App (September 23-October 22) – The sign of Fun New Tech, an earth sign. Like all new apps, those under the Cool New App sign are life-altering and indispensable for up to a week, after which time, that drops down to maybe a 10% likelihood of ever being useful again.

Online Shopper (October 23-November 21) – The sign of Amazon, an earth sign. The online shopper knows what they want and knows how to get it and also knows putting pants on is not necessary. Standing in line and speaking to people is for suckers and the elderly, and maybe elderly suckers. Not this person, who is content to never see another human again.

Selfies (November 22-December 21) – The sign of You, a water sign. The Selfie may seem very self-assured and confident but that is merely a front to cover for the dreadful fear they have of forgetting what they look like and where they've been, forcing them to constantly keep a record of these things, just in case.

Social Conscience (December 22-January 19) – The sign of Doing Something, a fire sign. The Social Conscience is very involved with all aspects of whatever is trending today. They will Retweet and Like and Share until their thumbs are numb if that's what it takes to let the world know what they agree or disagree with, possibly all while sitting on a toilet.

Nostalgia (January 20 to February 18) – The sign of Yesterday, an air sign. The Nostalgia loves Stranger Things and Nintendo Classic and anything that reminds them of things that happened before they were born but that they saw in TV and movies and therefore feel a connection to.

Streaming (February 19 to March 20) – The sign of Entertainment, a water sign. The streamer has access to movies, music, TV and, what do you call 'em? Books? Everything you could ever want, all on a screen that fits in your pocket so you have to squint a little and hold it up to your face because that 60-inch TV across the room is for old people.

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About the Author

Ian Fortey

Ian Fortey is a columnist from Cracked.com and maybe the inventor of poutine, but maybe not.