TROUBLED DIGEST

POWER RANKINGS: Is the cast of Riverdale more sad than sexy?

Down that milkshake because it’s time to figure out if the Riverdale crew is more sad or sexy
(The CW / Riverdale)

Over-line those lips and hold on to your crown-shaped toque, because Riverdale is back! Fans love the show for many reasons: murder, intrigue, foxy teens who aren't actually teens. But besides the thrilling storylines, what the devotees truly want to know is: who's the sexiest and who's the saddest? So down that milkshake because it's time to figure out if the Riverdale crew is more sad or sexy.

1.

Archie Andrews

The Sexiness Factor: With his rock-hard abs and dyed red hair, Archie has the body of the dreamboat trapped in the mind of a very whiny dirtbag. Sure he has incredible muscle definition for a boy who's mid-puberty, but he wants to sing, dammit! And play football, dammit! And have an affair with a teacher while simultaneously stringing along Betty, Veronica, Cheryl and Valerie, dammit! So, yes, Archie is killing it in the looks department, AKA he has a sharp jawline with an eight-pack.

The Sadness Factor: Remember when Cheryl sexually blackmailed him? Or when his mother abandoned him? Or when he was told he had actually practice in order to get good at music?

Result: SAD

I've crunched the numbers, and Archie is definitely more sad than sexy.

2.

Jughead Jones

The Sexiness Factor: Unfortunately, Jughead does not eat hamburgers, own a dog and is also not asexual (huge missed opportunity, The CW!) However, he is considerably cuter than the original comic implied (where's his flute nose?!). Plus he's dating Betty, a quality woman who looks fabulous in a ponytail. Not to mention, he has that cute-boy stringy hair going on, and thanks to the lack of burgers, he does have that gaunt, male supermodel look.

The Sadness Factor: Sadly, Jughead is a writer, and though writers do have potential for hotness, they are devastatingly sad people on the inside (or so I've heard). On top of his writer problems, this boy has daddy issues, and nobody should mess around with that. Adding insult to injury, he has ties to the mob. Which once was sexy, but it's the mid-2000s, and Skeet Ulrich is NOT James Gandolfini.

Result: SAD

Thanks to some hard science, I've determined that Jughead is for sure more sad than sexy.

3.

Betty Cooper

The Sexiness Factor: Betty is a bit of mystery: she wants to sell an image to the world that she's real sad, but this girl has so much going for her! She's an academic who immediately gets over Archie after he pulls the whole "you're too good for me" line on her. [Sidenote: Any boy who uses the line "you're too good for me" should either punch himself in his own face, or be inspired by that woman and catch up!]

Also, you've got to love that even though she felt all the feelings when she found out about Archie and Veronica, she still put her friendship ahead of her crush. This act may seem obvious, but for a small-town girl who is supposed to be FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, the maturity shown here should win her a Nobel Prize. Plus, Betty wants to get into journalism, which, although financially stupid, is an admirable profession.

The Sadness Factor: The largest issue here is that Betty's mother quarantined her pregnant sister and kept that a secret from her. That's a doozy. The sweet part is that Betty may have mommy issues, but Jughead has daddy issues and they found each other. Cute!

Result: SEXY

This one's a no-brainer. Betty is way more sexy than sad.

4.

Veronica Lodge

The Sexiness Factor: Former-bad-girl-learning-the-error-of-her-ways screams more sad than sexy in the world of teen drama. But Veronica has it going on for two major reasons: her right eyebrow and her left eyebrow. That girl's got brows. Like, a lot of eyebrow. The time she must wake up in the morning to attach those bad boys on her face, and still make it to school is impressive.

The Sadness Factor: Yes, Veronica is dealing with some serious Bernie Madoff issues with the whole "dad being a white-collar criminal" thing, but she's totally making the most of it. She makes friends with Betty, steers clear of Cheryl Blossom and closet-kisses Archie all within 24 hours of arriving in Riverdale.

Result: SEXY

Even though there is serious potential for her family to be emotionally and financially ruined, you've got to give it up for Veronica! Way more sexy than sad.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.

About the Author

Alessandra Vite

Alessandra currently heads the news-desk as a performer and writer of Comedy Bar produced show "Sunday Night Live with The Sketchersons," and is also a founding member of the Toronto based sketch troupe, "The Flirty Boys", whose credits include winning Now Magazine's People's Choice award at the 2016 Toronto Sketchfest; Best of the Fest Showcase at the 2016 Montreal Sketchfest; and in September of 2016 was featured in the comedy festival "JFL42".