VALENTINE'S DAY

Lesser-known Valentine's Day alternatives to make you keenly aware you're single

Who needs the heart-shaped reminder that loneliness is an abyss?

Drat. It's the worst time of year already. That's right: it's Valentine's Day. Who needs the heart-shaped reminder that loneliness is an abyss? You may not be able to find love, but this guide will help you to find an alternative to yet another February 14th spent mournfully eating fistfuls of cinnamon hearts until you crack a tooth, while your own cinnamon heart yearns for a partner.

Shall-entine's Day

To partake, one must simply speak in a pseudo-Shakespearian manner, erstwhile questioning whether one's obsession with constantly (and poorly) imitating the aforementioned bard has perhaps contributed to one's own alienation from love, that most human and primal of needs.

Valentine's Jay

Dim the lights and re-watch the 1993 World Series. You won't need to worry about getting to any bases – let Joe Carter do that instead!

Vale-lentine's Day

If all you want is to be the apple of someone's Eyrie, then Vale-lentine's day is for you. Celebrate Game of Thrones-style by embodying House Arryn and watching your enemies fall…in love.

Meowlentine's Day

Who needs to spend Valentine's Day "getting frisky" with a lover? A feline companion is the closest thing to a human one, you'll tell yourself, as the two of you sit together and watch Homeward Bound. Sassy may have Hope, but you sure don't.

Mid-February

Just straight-up celebrate the midpoint of the month. To do so, wear a middle part, take in an episode of Malcolm in the Middle, and listen to your favourite Bette Midler song. Feel free to adapt the lyrics to something more reflective of your acute loneliness, such as "Did you ever know that you're my gyro? You're everything I wish I could eat."

The Fest of Corporate Lemmings

Valentine's Day is a poison injected into our psyche by Hallmark, and only followers – not innovators – choose to be vaccinated. To participate in this fest, simply laugh judgmentally at all the romantic declarations cropping up on your newsfeed. And then look sadly to your left and see there's no one there to make fun of these mindless consumer drones with you.

Wednesday

I mean, it's just a day, and time is a social construct. You can choose whether or not to ascribe meaning to it.

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About the Author

Cassie Barradas

Cassie Barradas is a former BC middle school teacher and a current Toronto weirdo. She is an alumni of the Second City House Ensemble and an instructor at The Second City Training Centre. Catch her performing around the city with her troupe, Living Bloodsticks.