SWEET DREAMS

Introducing the all-new Snooze Button For Your Biological Clock

Are you tired because being a human woman is endlessly draining on both a logistical and emotional level???

Are you a woman who's somehow suddenly thirty[MUFFLED SOUNDS]? Are you simply having too much fun as a forklift operator by day and ferret hypnotist by night to pump out a whole bunch of babies right now?

Do you find kids "cute and everything" but have yet to date a guy who you'd even remotely trust with the task of co-parenting?

Are you just tired because being a human woman is endlessly draining on both a logistical and emotional level???

Would you like to have a baby but it just doesn't seem doable in your Vancouver half-bedroom apartment for which you pay $800,000,000,000,000 per hour?

Despite these common and valid reasons to delay motherhood, it can still be hard to ignore the endless pressure to procreate, from both society at large, and from inside your own body.

Introducing the all-new Snooze Button For Your Biological Clock!!!

This simple, easy-to-use device clips on to every type of belt so that the button is nice and snug against your uterus. When you push the button, it sends a powerful signal into the depths of your body that will instantly quiet your internal baby-related stress for a period of six months. Now you can enjoy a nice mental and emotional vacation from the endless pressure to get pregnant, and revisit the issue at a later time!

At the same time, the Snooze Button For Biological Clocks will emit a constant, high-pitched whine at a frequency only audible to your parents, aunts, and any older relatives who enjoy pointing at their watches and saying "tick tock!",  making it excruciatingly uncomfortable for them to be anywhere near you. Blessings.

Oh gosh! What will you even do without all those people incessantly informing you that women have a limited procreation window, as though you had no idea??? How about: enjoy some blissful quiet and go live your life!

Sweet dreams!

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.