White man breaks into millions of homes December 25th, receives no jail time
WORLDWIDE — Early Sunday morning, authorities across the globe received reports that an elderly, caucasian, bearded man in a red suit illegally entered the homes of millions of civilians while they slept.
The suspect proceeded to eat their food, drink their dairy products, and leave packages in their living rooms underneath plants and/or inside clothing. Police examined the boxes for explosives and poisonous substances, however they concluded that the contents were not harmful — although some would require exchanges, refunds and fake enthusiasm.
Numerous civilians claimed that the perpetrator had large dogs and/or small horses with him who were chained to an automobile which some believe to be a jet and/or hot air balloon. When images of the culprit were released, the media immediately described him as "jolly", "saintly" and "I'd let my children sit on his lap for sure!" One headline read, "Friendly grandpa surprises strangers in their houses without permission for fun!"
Police promised that the suspect was not a threat to society due to white supremacy.
The convict is an affluent, married businessman whose legal name is Kris Kringle but who uses the alias "Santa Claus". When the public discovered his identity, the white-male internet celebrated the suspect's athletic ability and innocence based on the fact that he could drive a sleigh really fast. Men's rights activists branded him the hero of 2016 and the alt-right declared that "community service would be too harsh a punishment for such an extraordinarily white white man". President-elect Donald Trump praised the man on Twitter for "doing a very good job at the breaking and the entering."
The majority of white men who witnessed Kringle ransacking their fridges were not frightened. They found him to be pleasant and immune to the justice system. Robert Allan, a 42-year-old father, says that he and Kringle chatted for awhile about the weather and how great inequality is. "We made plans to go skiing", Allan recalls. "He just seemed like such a nice, normal guy who scales up chimneys and has a flying truck."
Meanwhile, many women and people of colour screamed in fear upon encountering the unwelcome visitor. 26-year-old Sarah Brown was not smitten by Kringle. "I was terrified," Brown whispers. "He kept telling me I was a naughty girl. I thought I was gonna die."
Although thousands of victims have videos of Kringle mid-illegal activity and signed greeting cards in his handwriting, somehow the accused went to trial and was found not guilty. Judge Henry Arnold handed down the verdict, adding, "I know that Kris Kringle is innocent… because he looks like me and all of my friends."