PIPELINES

Trudeau approves pipeline that will pump 3.5 million gallons of climate change denial across Canada

“This is a major win for everyone in Canada who likes to believe that we can build enormous oil projects all over the place and still call ourselves a climate leader,” Trudeau explained at a press conference.

OTTAWA, ON—Prime Minister Trudeau announced yesterday that in addition to approving the construction of the Kinder Morgan and Enbridge Line 3 pipelines, his cabinet has officially signed off on a third, lesser-known pipeline called the StatusQuo XL that will successfully transport millions of gallons of pure, unfiltered climate change denial right across the country.

"This is a major win for everyone in Canada who likes to believe that we can build enormous oil projects all over the place and still call ourselves a climate leader," Trudeau explained at a press conference.

"I briefly mentioned the word 'climate' in my speech so now we can all rest easy knowing that there are absolutely no environmental consequences to our ongoing love affair with oil," he added.

Trudeau went on to explain that the construction of all three pipelines will be a huge boon to the Canadian economy as they will create millions of jobs across the country – however, environmental critics are skeptical of this claim.

"That's wonderful news about all the jobs, but I'll just quickly add that it will be very difficult to show up to work when the earth has obliterated itself in a shitstorm of carbon emissions," said Raina Vanstone, director of Environmental Defence.

The new StatusQuo XL pipeline will begin in St. John's, Newfoundland, and will stretch right across the country to Victoria, B.C.

"This great nation is rich in climate change denial, and we need an efficient way to transport it," Trudeau said in his closing remarks. "One day in like 2098 we as a society will wean ourselves from our addiction to climate change denial, just like the environmentalists want. But for now, we're quite heavily dependent on it, and this exciting new project is a reflection of that fact."

David Suzuki is not having a good time recently:

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