Local man finishes Netflix
OAKVILLE, ON—On Tuesday January 5th, at 6:35 pm EST, local dog groomer Miles Decker finished Netflix, consuming every conceivable video in the company's massive catalogue.
"It wasn't easy," says Decker, aggressively brushing a cocker spaniel. "In theory it would have been hard on my friends and family to know that I repeatedly chose Netflix over their company. I say 'in theory' because I'm an orphan with limited social skills."
As sole proprietor of Updog Grooming, Decker was able to clean dogs from his home, resulting in valuable Netflix time. "A lot of people ask me about my business name," confesses Decker. "They say, 'What's Updog?' To which I reply, 'Not much dawg, what's up with you?'"
Decker chuckles softly, his eyes never leaving an episode of Full House. "I've seen this one, obviously, but you still notice little details. Like, in this episode Stephanie says 'How rude!' later on, but in my opinion Uncle Jesse is being rude right now."
"I actually got a special dispensation from Netflix to disable the 'Are you still there?' feature," beams Decker, squirting shampoo onto his hands and lathering up the dog in his lap with abnormal vigour. "What they needed to understand was that I'm always there. Whether it's an episode of Netflix original series Orange is the New Black or a documentary about the Atari video game E.T. ... For me, Netflix is anything but chill."
Decker celebrated his remarkably sedentary achievement by sending an email to Netflix customer service with the subject line, 'Got anything else?' He has yet to receive a response. "I'd say the reaction from Netflix brass has been muted," Decker remarks, pointing at the mute button on his television remote to reinforce his point. For no apparent reason, he then squeezes the sudsy cocker spaniel's paw, causing it to yelp in alarm.
What's next for Decker? "Probably American Netflix," he says, referring to the U.S.A.'s wealth of unique regional programming he has yet to consume. "Either that or kill myself."
Decker grins, rinsing the shit out of his client. "Just kidding, too much on the horizon. Netflix just ordered four Adam Sandler films and the first one was incredible."