All car doors redesigned to feature cyclist-shaped cut-out

In an unprecedented move, the Canadian auto industry has introduced a bold new feature to its upcoming 2017 line-up of vehicles: a cyclist-shaped cut-out in all car doors.

TORONTO, ON—In an unprecedented move, the Canadian auto industry has introduced a bold new feature to its upcoming 2017 line-up of vehicles: a cyclist-shaped cut-out in all car doors.

The term "getting doored" refers to an accident wherein a rider collides with the open door of a motorist. This new car door feature will allow unseen cyclists to pass through the doors of negligent drivers with relative ease, which will in theory save dozens of lives. Current statistics estimate 50 bicycle related fatalities per year in Canada.

Marty Harris of the Canadian Auto Workers Union held a press conference last week to announce the new feature. "We feel this is a positive step to solving the problem of constantly complaining cyclists," he explained.

When asked by a reporter how this change will affect drivers he replied calmly, "We have entirely changed the structural integrity of the vehicle so I would say thousands, if not ten of thousands, of drivers are likely to die from side-impact collisions. But the important thing is that I will never again have to read a rude email from a bike messenger."

Harris later admitted the concept was taken from an old Looney Tunes episode where Wile E. Coyote runs through a wall leaving the outline of his entire body.

Jasmine Fenton, president of Cycle Toronto, was also present at the press conference to voice her support for the new initiative. "I think it's a great idea. Do I think the lives of 50 cyclists are more important than thousands of drivers? Yes. Yes I do." After a 10-minute tirade about the importance of bells she concluded her speech by saying: "We're saving the planet here. We recklessly weave in and out of traffic and use crosswalks while claiming to be road vehicles so that the rest of you can live longer. So on behalf of all cyclists, you're welcome."

Some critics have openly proclaimed their distaste for the new car door feature. But Harris's rebuttal was short and to the point: "Our only other option is to have drivers quickly look over their shoulders and survey their surroundings, but that ain't gonna happen, now is it?"

If you're a driver, you need to know how to jump start your car:

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