Air Canada to start charging for emotional baggage in 2017

DORVAL, QC—Air Canada announced this morning that as of 2017, passengers will be required to pay an extra fee to transport any emotional baggage they happen to be carrying with them onto their flight.

Jacqueline Villeneuve, head of communications, explains that the exact amount of the fee will depend on the nature of the emotional baggage, how much space it will take up on the flight, and likely it is to interfere with the other passengers.

"When it comes to homophobia, misogyny, and deep-seated racism, we'll be charging $500 per issue," she explains. "That kind of emotional baggage is quite heavy and nearly impossible to store safely. It takes tremendous effort on behalf of the cabin crew to make room for those kinds of issues."

"However," Villeneuve continues, "low-level anxiety, trust issues, fear of commitment, a sense of entitlement, or garden variety anger due to a delayed flight or a lack of gluten-free options in Terminal B – we will be happy to transport those for you for just $250."

Villeneuve says the airline made the decision to introduce the fee last week after nine different businessmen on nine different flights loudly refused to turn off their electronic devices during takeoff and then proceeded to get blind drunk on tiny bottles of vodka and yell racial slurs at the person in the seat beside them.

In addition to the fee, Air Canada has put some restrictions place in order to adhere to safety standards.

"Please note that we can only reasonably accommodate up to two pieces of emotional baggage per passenger," she says. "Any more than that and we start to really compromise the air quality in the cabin."

As part of the new initiative, every Air Canada terminal will also include an emotional baggage claim. After landing, passengers will be encouraged to visit the claim area, check in with an attendant and "really try to own whatever issues are preventing them from being a tolerable human being."

Airports are a very emotional place:

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